Tie a Knot and Hang on or Let Go!
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isa. 55:8-9).
August arrived in Loveland. Adam, while showing off to a sweet girl, dove into a filthy lake and hit the bottom with his face. When we saw him walking toward us, I actually swayed. He was a bloody mess. His entire face and forehead was bleeding. I could see his neck wasn’t broken, but infection can be deadly to an oncology patient. I tried not to worry and also not be angry at him for being so foolish.
We were planning to leave in three days for Florida. We were all going to Disneyworld on vacation before Adam began his senior year and Dan entered the Army. Dan and Adam invited their friends Chad and Scott to go with us.
The day before leaving, I took Adam to Children’s Hospital for some medicine for the infection in his eyes.
Even though Adam struggled with his infected eyes and scraped-up face, we had an awesome time at Disneyworld. Our oncology doctor had written a short letter for Adam, requesting a medical pass for all the rides. I thought that the four boys would go off and do their own thing. Steve and I even gave them money for food so they could go their own way, and we could just stay connected with our cell phones.
All four of them said, “Oh no. We want to stay together.”
This is just unheard-of, but we all stayed together and had an incredible time. We just flashed Adam’s medical pass, and they let all of us take the Fast Pass lane to all the rides. Many times, people were waiting over three hours to get on a ride where we could get on in ten minutes.
The first time we used the Fast Pass, Scott said, “I don’t feel right about this. I feel kind of guilty.”
I explained that it was fair, and even though Adam looked great, he was still taking chemo every day and he didn’t have the energy to stand in lines for hours (neither did I). It was also like a payday for Adam for all the years of taking chemo and being sick.
The next day, we went on a very popular ride. The normal wait was over four hours. As we were walking down the Fast Pass lane, I asked Scott, “Do you still feel guilty?”
“Heck, no! I got over that yesterday. Hurry up.”
By Saturday, Adam was starting to drag. The four boys came home three hours early from a different thriller amusement park.
Sunday, at the airport, Adam said he wasn’t feeling well. We had no sooner arrived at home than he ran to the bathroom just in time to throw up.
I called the hospital, and they told me some things to keep an eye on. During Monday and Tuesday, Adam had a stomach ache and threw up several times, but when I asked him how he felt, he would answer, “Fine.” That was because he had just thrown up and really did feel better. I didn’t know how sick he was.
I kept taking his temperature and calling Children’s Hospital. On Wednesday, at two in the morning, he came to our room. He was angry and in lots of pain. He had been calling us from upstairs, and no one could hear him. I rushed him to Children’s Hospital and left Steve behind to make the necessary phone calls.
Adam’s senior year was to start the next day, but he wouldn’t be starting with the rest of his class. The hospital admitted him immediately. His pancreas had shut down for some reason. They thought Adam might have a blockage in his intestines.
Adam’s immune system was so low it couldn’t even fight off a pink eye infection. His entire face had scabbed over from the diving accident, and his eyes were swollen and pussy. He was a mess. They started pumping his stomach immediately to relieve the pressure in his large intestines. His digestive system had completely shut down.
He was in intense pain. He couldn’t go to the bathroom or pass gas. For all the jokes that could normally be made about that, it was no laughing matter. It was quickly becoming a life-threatening situation.
They ran many tests. After four days of Adam experiencing the most intense pain he had ever felt, the doctor in charge made a decision.
“We need to do an exploratory surgery to find the blockage,” he explained.
I had been awake almost around the clock for four days. I had questions running through my mind that I had been unwilling to ask. I struggled to form the words and finally asked, “If he can’t even fight off pink eye, how will he live through a surgery? How can his body heal itself? Isn’t this a very infectious surgery?”
“I can’t promise that he will live through it, but we can’t leave him in this pain either. We have to do something and right away,” the doctor replied.
Later, while I was alone with a sleeping Adam, I got mad. I prayed, “You’re going to let him die, aren’t You?” I was so upset. There was no way Adam could survive this with his immune system so low. Adam never knew how upset I was—it seemed there were no other options. People across the nation were praying for him—I was so scared of losing my son. I had felt like God was in control and He had cared for Adam throughout his two years of chemo, but now He was letting me down now when I needed Him most.
I was hanging on to the knot at the end of my rope for dear life and yelling at God about the situation. I couldn’t let go because I still had a stronghold that would not allow me to fully trust God in desperate times.
This stronghold against God had started when I was kicked out of Bible college. I felt like God had deserted me there. I felt like He must have been busy with someone else and just left me when I needed Him to stand with me and protect me. Because of this, I now reacted in anger toward God. I was afraid He was going to abandon me again. My spirit was crushed when I imagined losing Adam after coming to love both of my sons so much.
I was able to get a little rest before Steve joined us that evening. He had been out of town. Steve and I found time to talk and pray, and I repented to God for my attitude toward Him. I forgave Him for my college days when I was kicked out. I forgave myself for believing lies about God. I recognized the stronghold and allowed Jesus to take it back right then. I wasn’t in control of the situation, and I didn’t want to be. With Christ’s help, I was able to fully trust Him with Adam’s life. I released my hold on the knot and let go.
Adam’s surgery was scheduled for the next morning. We spent the evening together trying to remain encouraged. Letting go of the rope and traveling a path with Jesus was agreeing that Jesus loved us and loved Adam, regardless of whether Adam lived or died. He was with each of us and had a plan for us. Jesus alone gives us strength for each of our days. Letting go of the knot let Jesus know that I loved Him and I trusted Him with each one of our lives. I focused my gaze on God and His purposes. No matter what happened, my desire was to keep my focus and gaze on Jesus.
Adam’s girlfriend came to see him. One of the hardest things I ever did was leave the room so Adam could spend time with her before his surgery.
Steve and I retired to the waiting room. As we prayed, it seemed time stood still. I don’t know how to explain it. Many cancer patients that die often die from complications, not from the cancer itself. We knew how serious this was. In our hearts, we wanted to hold onto Adam tightly, but we needed to trust God and so we willingly released him into God’s care and let go of the knot at the end of the rope.
The doctor that was scheduled to perform Adam’s surgery was held up doing another surgery. A new doctor came in to talk to us. He didn’t say the first doctor was wrong, but he very politely said, “I’d like to try something else first.”
He said he wanted to make three tiny one-inch incisions and try to insert a laparoscopic camera to take pictures of Adam’s intestines. “If I can’t find any blockage,” he explained, “then we don’t need to do exploratory surgery.” He also shared the danger of perhaps puncturing something because Adam was so swollen inside. In that case, they would need to do immediate surgery and we needed to give permission for that. We gave him our blessing.
We waited in the waiting room for the news. Even though I lost my temper with God, He understood. He still loved us. God was really with us in the waiting room, and He brought peace to us throughout the hours while we waited.
For the last three years, my walk with Jesus had become closer and more personal as I gave Him more and more areas of my life for His control. I knew I was His glory, not because of what I could do, but simply because of who I was in Christ—because Christ was in me and in control instead of me being controlled by former strongholds. In turn, my love for Jesus grew, because He was my redeemer and died for me, not because He would do whatever I wanted.
That afternoon, the doctor was able to perform the procedure and couldn’t find a blockage. Adam had been off chemo for six days. They decided to continue to pump his stomach and hoped his digestive system would eventually start working again on its own and that his pain would gradually diminish.
I remembered Adam’s question many months before. With hope and anticipation in his voice, he asked, “If I die, do you think they’ll name a park after me?” Back then, we had both laughed until we cried. As I watched him lying in bed fighting for his life, that question wasn’t nearly so funny.
One week turned into two. We kept praying for a change. He was on prayer lists all across America. During the third week, we began to see some tiny signs that his immune system was improving.
I told Adam he was famous. “Everyone in America is praying for you to pass gas!”
He was well enough to give me his little crooked smile. Little by little, he got better. Things began to move, and finally, a small bubble escaped! We felt like throwing a party. His pancreas was beginning to function. Several days later, Adam was definitely recovering. His vital signs were all on the rise. He began to learn to walk again. It took him several days before he could walk the length of the oncology hallway.
Adam missed almost the whole first month of his senior year. He had put off a lot of his difficult classes until his senior year, thinking that he would be feeling better during the last fourteen months of only light chemotherapy.
It was a challenge for him to catch up in his classes, but his teachers were very supportive. Adam pushed himself and worked hard. Through his efforts, he made straight A’s that semester. He made the 4.0 grade point list for the first time in his life. As I let the boys be in charge of their own education, their grades had gotten better, but I never would have believed Adam could earn all A’s while taking his hardest classes and missing almost a full month of school.
Earlier that year, Dan had decided to join the army. He was scheduled to be inducted on October 4. We honored Dan for going into the army and threw a good-bye party for him. This was the punishment party! The boys played football in the park, and we had a big barbeque with “drinks.” Friends stopped in to join us. It was bittersweet. Steve especially struggled to let Dan go.
Saying good-bye to Dan was so difficult—I never thought I would miss him so much. Once again, we were letting go of another son, entrusting Dan into God’s safekeeping. We felt like Dan had gained a lot of experience making decisions for himself. He was a confident young man and capable of making good choices.
While still recovering from Dan leaving, about a week later, Drew and his wife invited us to dinner on their way home from a seminar. I was delighted, and I was hoping we could straighten out some of the misunderstandings about that previous summer’s high school camp.
We ate dinner and visited, and then Drew explained that he would no longer be asking me to give my testimony and use me in his ministry—he couldn’t trust me anymore.
He explained that ten months earlier in January, I had counseled a teen in Wisconsin and a particular statement I made to her was very damaging and he could be sued. He was very concerned about protecting his ministry.
I understood why her parents were upset and I could see why Drew was concerned, but I assured him that I had never made that particular statement in my entire life and especially not while counseling someone.
He explained two other minor misunderstandings. I told him that too much time had passed since the counseling session, and I wished he would have told me about them sooner so I could defend myself.
Even the apostles Paul and Barnabas had their misunderstandings. I wasn’t so upset during dinner, because I was pretty sure I hadn’t personally counseled the young lady that previous January. The enemy was clearly hitting me in my most vulnerable areas—being falsely accused, being judged not good enough, and being kicked out. By now, Steve and I were becoming very familiar with the attacks of the enemy. The enemy couldn’t get me to quit using other lies—from the fear that loved ones might die, from Adam’s cancer or other discouragements—so he was now trying this new way.
Two months later, I verified that I had never counseled the young lady. I had never even met her before, much less made the damaging statement to her. When I was in Wisconsin that January, I woke up at the hotel throwing up on the day I was supposed to counsel her. Someone else counseled my two appointments since I was sick. The girl had been given my name, and no one ever informed her of my illness or the name of her new counselor!
The enemy can use false information to create problems. It doesn’t even matter if facts are true or false—the facts work as counterfeits. You will know they are counterfeits if the end results don’t line up with God’s commands to love one another and completely trust in Him. Counterfeits can cause doubt to grow in anyone if they believe and give attention to them. I think doubts about me began to grow in Drew over the succeeding months, and he decided to exclude me from his ministry.
I wrote Drew a long letter of explanation. All my life, I wanted an opportunity to defend myself against false accusation and misunderstanding. I hadn’t defended myself at Bible college and other painful experiences at various churches. This time I did and then tried to let it go.
Even defending myself was a counterfeit. There are times in our life when, under the law, we are required to defend ourselves, and it is justified. I tried to let go of it all, but the act of defending myself created the sense of again trying to hold on to the knot at the end of my rope. I was hanging on—trying to fix things—to make everything right again. I was fixing things in my own strength.
I cried as I held on to that knot. I was still crying months later. My emotions were at an all-time low as I struggled to hold on, constantly making sure God knew what I wanted—like the Zealots at Masada. I didn’t understand why God didn’t help me straighten everything out. In my confusion, I even felt God didn’t want to use me anymore in ministry. As I explained earlier, this was a counterfeit thought because it didn’t line up with God’s truth commanding me to love others, trust Him fully, and recognize His love for me. It was moving me toward isolation. Here was an opportunity to love God with all my heart, and I was failing. I was controlling that part of my heart that just wanted to fix the rift between Drew and myself.
I searched my heart and found a few more strongholds, but I was still hurting from this rejection. Finally, I asked Jesus to take away my hurt by searching my heart and showing me if any of the misunderstandings held any truth. In other words, I needed to look for any counterfeits in my life. I remained committed to my promise to God to not let bitterness or anger take hold in my heart ever again.
I had released my children to God for His care. Now it was time to even let go of my desire to serve God my way. I needed to let God open new doors for me to serve Him and trust that He had allowed other doors to close for a reason. I made a point to pray for Drew’s ministry and continue to support it financially. No matter what, Drew had taught me so much. He cared about me and my husband when he counseled us, and he showed us how to talk to Jesus about our hidden pain and let God heal our hearts.
Steve knew my heart and my motives. He would always tell me when my attitude was off base. He was my best friend. I leaned strongly on him during this time and drew encouragement from him.
A good friend from Wisconsin, Bonice, helped me and prayed with me through these low times. I learned to let Jesus take my pain, let it go, and not cast blame. I began to find peace and rest instead of living in the turmoil of trying to make sense of and fix what I thought was false accusation and rejection. God has a purpose in everything, but it was difficult not knowing His purposes when I was hurting and disappointed. I really tried to forgive Drew, but was still holding on to the knot. That counterfeit knot represented my hopes, my dreams, my passion for helping people, and how I wanted to serve God. Even though I didn’t demand it or get angry about it, this particular counterfeit had quite a strong grip on me.
When Dan had completed boot camp, we flew out to watch the ceremonies and honor him as he took his pledge to serve our country. It was during this time that he gave me a huge hug and told me that he forgave me for everything, especially the things that happened at the last family camp. It was a special day.
Later that year, he shared with me that it seemed that most new army recruits drank. He even joined in a couple of times, but then decided he didn’t want to travel that road—that it wasn’t safe. Dan said that the army had programs to cut back on drunk-driving accidents, but they still happened. He said the eighteen-year-old army kids were just so glad to be out from under their parents’ thumbs that they would just go crazy. He told his army friends, “I’ve been making my own decisions since I was fifteen, and I don’t need this (drinking and wild parties).” He found a nice church to attend and began calling home telling us all about the sermons. He was excited about what he was learning. One Saturday evening, several army friends invited him to go and party in town. He told them he would rather stay home and rest. Actually, he wanted to attend church the next day. That same night, in the wee morning hours, his friends picked up two sixteen-year-old girls. The girls were in the backseat when the driver missed a curve in the road and hit a tree, killing both girls and putting both young men in the hospital. Dan was really emotionally upset. If he had gone with them, he would have been sitting right between the girls in the backseat.
Not all parents get a chance to look back and reflect on life-changing moments that saved the lives of their children.
Dan called me shortly after the fatal car accident. “Mom, I just want to tell you I love you. Thank you for letting me choose to drink or not during high school. I know you and Dad didn’t approve, but you never nagged me about my choices. I got that all out of my system at home where it was safer. I just want you to know it was the best thing you ever did for me. I don’t want any part of drinking to get drunk anymore. Thanks. It saved my life.”
I had no idea what our lives would be like when I chose to give my complete heart to Jesus. The enemy tried to discourage us, lie to us, and defeat us at every turn. We never gave up, though at times I was tempted. We weren’t perfect and I’m still not perfect, but we kept loving, accepting, and forgiving our boys. We tried not to judge or tell others how to raise their teens. I tried that for a while, and it didn’t work. It needs to be from a change in a parent’s heart, not something else to add to a to-do list. Allowing Jesus to transform my heart restored my relationships with my kids and most likely saved their lives. I realized that the more I was willing to die to self by cleaning up my heart, the more I was able to love God with more of my heart.
May arrived, and we prepared for Adam’s high school graduation. To say congratulations, we threw another big party. Adam was heading south the next day as he had already landed a new job in Colorado Springs two hours away. He would also be attending Pikes Peak Junior College that fall.
Suddenly, both our sons were gone. I missed both of them so much. Dan was doing very well in the army. He was really thankful he grew up hunting and shooting sporting clays. He thrived in the army, especially shooting. He often came in first or second in everything he did. He thrived on jumping out of airplanes and became a member of the army Eighty-second Airborne.
Ten months after Drew’s rejection, August found me still clinging to the knot at the end of the rope. I finally came to a place where I no longer wanted to even suggest to God how I could help Him in His kingdom. I came to a place where I was willing to accept doing things His way even if I didn’t understand it. I wanted God to be totally in charge of everything. I let go of the knot as I prayed, Lord, You open the door and I will walk through it. I’ll even clean toilets if You want me to. What do you want me to do with my new heart and everything I have learned? Then I heard His answer—maybe not audibly, but very clearly:
Just use it to love people.
I relaxed and let go of my inner desire to fix the rift between Drew and me. Psalm 23 had a brand-new meaning to me. My counterfeit was in holding on to the way I wanted to serve God—it looked like I was the sheep trying to lead the shepherd, and it just didn’t work.
That very day, I spoke to a friend who told me he needed a nanny. He was suddenly a single parent again with nine kids. That month, I became a nanny helping him with the five youngest girls. I had never been blessed to love girls before—it was a fabulous job. I cooked for them and showered them with love. God became incredibly special to me during this period. My joy and trust in God was growing daily.
In January, I flew to Wisconsin to visit with a friend. She and I visited a mutual friend, Pat. While we were there, it became clear to me that Pat and my employer would be perfect for each other. Pat was also a single parent with nine children! The two began corresponding and fell in love. They got married a few months later in May, and I was out of a job. The way it all happened was so unbelievable and awesome that only God could have put it together. They are still happily married and have fifteen children living at home.
My emotions took another hit. I had fallen in love with these children, but I needed to just walk away to allow them time to bond as a family. Loving people seems difficult when you become emotionally connected and then have to separate, but love is so worth it!
After my nanny job ended, I began writing this book. As I was writing this chapter, I got frustrated. I didn’t know how much to explain in the book about the misunderstandings between Drew and myself and how to tell it. I kind of spit it out at God: I don’t even know why the rift with Drew happened!
I hadn’t taken two steps out of my office when I heard His answer, Because if it hadn’t happened, you could never have written this book.
All the leftover frustration that I had tried so hard and so long to let go of dissolved in that moment, and I released my grip on another knot. Sometimes, we have lots of knots we hold on to. Everything in me turned to pure joy and thankfulness. I am so thankful for everything that has happened in my life—like Joseph and his coat of many colors, it was clear to me that God allowed everything to happen for His purposes.
As I looked back, I saw how during the time Dan was graduating from high school and Adam was doing better, my counseling appointments and speaking engagements were picking up rapidly. If the misunderstandings with Drew hadn’t happened, I would have become more and more involved in his counseling ministry and had a full schedule with no time to write. And I wouldn’t have had my new clean heart I now have. With my heart at peace, I could listen to God when He inspired me to write this book. I am so thankful now for the misunderstandings and for having my eyes opened to see that even though God’s ways are often not the path I would choose, they are for a greater purpose.
Drew had a ministry that he prayed over and cared for. Drew could choose whoever he wanted to use in that ministry. That ministry was between God and Drew. I am so thankful that he chose not to use me—God had other plans. I needed to understand more about righteous counterfeits—when you believe you are right because of facts and really hang on to that knot. But right or wrong, facts didn’t matter. What only matters is how we love God and each other and always trust in God and depend on Him. If we’re holding on to that counterfeit knot and it doesn’t line up with God’s truth about love or trusting in Him and His ways, then we are wrong and are deceived. God wants us to let it go.
I once heard the definition of peace: “Rest for the soul during the storm or conflict.” Peace is not the absence of conflict. It is rest for the soul during the conflict. That’s what it felt like when I let go of the knot. Each time I brought a stronghold to Jesus and He took it back from the enemy, I felt like I could breathe more freely. It felt like He gently cut away another piece of the barbed wire that had wrapped around my body when I left home at seventeen. And He filled each new empty space in my heart with His presence and love, giving me the freedom to love Him with all my heart.
My sons had never heard my testimony about the barbed-wire fence illustration where my mother cut the barbed-wire fence and the wire wrapped around me. After Dan graduated from his airborne training, I flew out to visit him in North Carolina. Dan was a little anxious about telling me he’d gotten a tattoo.
I was calm and asked enthusiastically, “Let me see?” He took off his shirt, and I looked at the new six-inch tattoo on his upper back.
I was totally unprepared for what I saw. I began to sob—emotion poured from my eyes. In all the years that Jesus was removing the barbed wire from my heart and my body, I never once asked Him what He did with it, but here was the answer. Tattooed on Dan’s back was a cross with barbed wire wrapped around it. Every time Jesus removed a piece of barbed wire from me, He took it upon himself while He hung on the cross at Calvary. I knew, the moment I saw the tattoo, that God knew Dan’s heart. Daniel is safe in God’s keeping. God knows my son and will all the days of his life (Rom. 8:38-39).
Adam followed his brother’s example and got a tattoo of a cross on his back. It was really quite awesome and had lovely green vines around it.
I am not a tattoo kind of person. I was quite surprised with my accepting attitude.
But then the news came that Adam had gotten another tattoo on his arm. Oh, man! I thought.
However, I was in for another surprise. Tattooed on Adam’s left bicep in large one-inch letters was “Phillippians 4:13” and barbed wire encircled his arm, running from the last letter around to the first letter.
Again, I was overwhelmed when I saw it. He reminded me how Philippians 4:13 was his special scripture that helped him get through his bout with cancer.
I will continue to bring my fears and pain to Jesus. I know He will be with me and He will give me strength. I want Jesus to have 100 percent of my heart. I will wear my wood and rocks on my wrist to help me guard my heart and remind me God is my Masada, my fortress, and I will continue to look for counterfeits in my life.
I didn’t lose Dan to suicide or in that army car accident. I didn’t lose Adam to cancer or from bleeding internally by making him go to a free ice-hockey camp. My boys are living proof of God’s love for me. Dan wears on his back and Adam wears on his arm the barbed wire that Jesus wears for me and for them.
In North Carolina, Dan was able to forgive me for everything. More recently, I had a special time praying with Adam. He met a special girl, Katy, in Colorado Springs, and they had decided to get married. Adam really desired to be a spiritual leader for his family. While praying, He asked Jesus to show him what was in his heart and give him courage to bring each hurt and painful memory to Him for healing. He committed to ask Jesus to take back each and every stronghold that Jesus reveals to him. What an exciting moment it was to help lead Adam in that prayer of commitment.
Love is wonderful. It grows when shared. Love draws people together, and it changes lives. God had so much to teach me. He used everything to show me my heart so I could share it with others.
I was recently reminded that no one cares what you know, until they know how much you care. I have shared my hidden secrets with you in this book because I care about you. I wrote this book for one person—for you. I want you to know, more than I want to hide my shame, failures, and past mistakes, that Jesus loves you and can restore your heart and heal your relationships if you will just cry out to Him and let Him. Only then can we love Him with all our heart.
May your God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, touch your heart and transform your life. The “Reflections” and “Courageous Hearts” sections for this chapter are waiting to be written by you when you are ready. This is where I let go of my book and release it into your hands and God’s hands and trust Him for the outcome.
It’s my prayer that God will reveal to you what is in your heart as you surrender your heart, your mind, and your will to Him. He loves you and died for you that you might live an abundant life in Him. May Jesus always be your Masada, your fortress, the one in whom you trust. May you love Him with all your heart, mind, and soul.
God bless you in your journey of your own courageous heart. If you ever need any help after reading this book, you may contact me at sherilyn@courageousheartsministries.org.
“The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy” (Ps. 126:3).
This is not the end; it is . . .
The Beginning
Current News about the Cook Family
Adam and his wife, Katy, live in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Adam is in his third year of college and is a successful sales person for a high-end audiophile company, ListenUp. Adam and his friend Chris started their own Ice Hockey business called "Bleed Hockey." Adam is building a life and a marriage on Christ.
Dan also walks with Christ and lives in Fayetteville, North Carolina. He serves as a Staff Sergeant in the US Army at Fort Bragg, as a member of the Golden Knights Army Parachute (Black) Demonstration Team. He travels throughout the country performing in air shows and sporting events as an ambassador for the Army and has over 2300 parachute jumps.
See: http://www.usarec.army.mil/hq/goldenknights