Chapter 8

Peace in the Midst of the Storm

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matt. 11:28-30).

I’m glad we had ten months for our family to heal and bond together before Adam became ill in June. We were now a close family, full of love for each other, and we knew how to have fun. Cancer didn’t steal our joy as we managed to keep our focus on Jesus. Though it might sound “sick,” our first week in the hospital was more fun than scary. Even though Adam was forced to have many tests, blood transfusions, and even a surgical procedure involving his heart, he had a great time.

We each thought that one day we would wake up, reality would set in, and we would all be scared, depressed, and worried to death. But as the weeks passed, our peace remained and we held fast to our trust in God. This was a first for all of us. Even though we didn’t know what the outcome would be, we all knew God was in control and that He had a purpose.

We were blessed with a loving doctor and nurse to care for Adam during his illness. We felt like we had the best doctor and nurse in America. We loved them dearly, but more importantly, Adam felt loved by them.

The first eleven months of chemotherapy were reported to be the hardest. In the first few weeks, Adam was given all kinds of chemo. The first time he awoke from Profofal®, he very drowsily slurred, “These drugs are great! Can I have a whole jar of this stuff to take home?” Everyone laughed—he was really out of it.

Spinal taps became his favorite thing. He loved them. I lost count of how many spinal taps he had, and I always rubbed his feet while he lay still after the procedure. I don’t think any other child in that hospital got as much foot attention.

Shortly afterward, I shared my testimony at that year’s family camp. Steve kept a close watch on Adam while I attended camp.

Besides giving my testimony, I was asked to counsel people who were having relationship problems. This was unexpected, and I wasn’t sure I had learned enough at the training seminar in March. However, God used me to lead people into their hearts. God met them there, and Jesus took back stronghold after stronghold.

I had never before experienced such joy and fulfillment. My whole life I had prayed, God, I would like to make a difference in someone’s life, and now He was answering my prayer.

I returned home with a dream, a vision, and a deep desire to serve God. My spiritual outlook changed from my experience at camp. This new desire still had to blend in with our busy lives and Adam’s cancer.

When Adam first became ill, he wanted to switch churches. This was difficult for us, because we felt like we needed our church family for support.

In August, our sons selected a really neat church that had an upbeat personality. It was a large church, and the boys loved the music and the pastor. Very few people knew Adam was ill even though his hair had thinned out.

I took on the major role of administering his drugs each day. I never imagined that I would add “drug pusher” to my motherhood duties. Adam hated for me to talk about his illness. This was very difficult for me since it was on my mind 24/7. When friends would call to ask about Adam, I would share with them. I needed to address their concerns and express my feelings. This was difficult for Adam. He wanted to be Adam, not a kid with cancer that everyone talked about.

As the months went by and friends got on with their lives, I found myself withdrawing from them to honor Adam’s request. At times, I felt like the four of us were on an island all alone. It was a very lonely time for me until I was reminded that God was there with us, and we needed to constantly acknowledge His presence. I learned to share my worries and concerns with Him. This was huge for me. For the first time in my life, I really had a friend in Jesus. I felt His presence, and I could just talk to Him as a friend instead of offering my usual stuffy formal prayers.

That fall, Dan and Adam began their junior and sophomore years of high school. We talked to Adam’s guidance counselor and explained his medical condition. We needed his teachers to be aware of his illness and allow Adam to call the shots. He needed a cell phone with him at all times. He could go from well to seriously ill in ten minutes, and we needed some school rules adjusted for his needs.

On Adam’s first day of health class, the teacher was listing out everything they would be studying in the year. He covered several major illnesses including cancer. He told the class about the high percentages of deaths each year from cancer. Then he asked the class if they knew anyone with cancer.

Adam and a friend of his couldn’t help laughing out loud. His friend raised his hand with obvious enthusiasm. “I know! I know someone with cancer!” he shouted, “Adam!”

The teacher got very stern with them and told them this was no laughing matter. He knew Adam from his PE class the year before and knew he was a good kid, but he also knew Adam liked to make people laugh.

Adam said, “No. Seriously, I got cancer this summer.”

“That is enough, Adam. It’s not funny. This is no joking matter,” the teacher replied, trying to get his class back in order.

Adam yanked his tee-shirt up, revealing an eight inch tube dangling from the port to his heart! “Does this look like a joke? That’s a port for all my chemo.”

That poor teacher! Adam’s lighthearted announcement really shook him up. He had to briefly leave the room to gather his emotions. When he returned, he let Adam share about his summer. I learned that it was OK for Adam to choose when and where and how to talk about his cancer, but he just didn’t like me to talk about it. It was his illness and I tried to honor his request, but I still often found myself struggling with this issue.

We were forewarned by the doctor that the chemo would increase Adam’s teenage mood swings a hundred times more than the normal teenager! She said chemo would basically destroy his adolescence. She suggested we find a way to make him as comfortable as possible in our living room, because he would be watching a lot of TV over the next three years.

Our family goals and outlook changed a lot at this time. We considered the fact that we may only have Adam for a little while longer. We decided we were going to spoil him. At the same time, we tried to be sensitive to his brother, Dan, and find ways to do nice things for him. If things turned out that we were only going to have Adam with us for two to five more years, they were going to be the best years of his life.

A major electronics store sold us a big-screen TV at their cost. Steve and I rarely bought anything on credit, but we made an exception this time. A salesperson helped us select anything we needed. It was a special day for Adam and our family. Adam was amazed that someone he didn’t even know would do something so special for him. We were so thankful for their generosity.

Two weeks later, while the TV was still on order, more layoffs were announced at Steve’s company. Worried that Steve might be next, we felt pressured to cancel the order. Instead, I opened every drawer, closet, and trunk in my house and pulled out every collectable, antique, and piece of vintage junk I could find. The stuff covered the living room floor, dining room floor, table, and every countertop in the kitchen.

I called three antique dealers, and three days later, all my stuff was gone. We were $6,100 richer! I sold furniture, dishes, and anything I could stand to part with. I didn’t miss any of it. Well, I still miss my vintage Christmas ornaments, but the truth was, I really didn’t mind.

We paid off the TV and had money left over for doctor bills. I was thankful that I had brought my temporal-value issues to God for healing before Adam got sick. I realized it was just stuff—stuff I didn’t need. My family was much more important. And I discovered an unexpected benefit. My house was much easier to keep clean without all that stuff!

During this time, Adam began playing ice hockey even though his energy level was about 10 percent of normal. The local hockey association voted to let Adam play on the A team. He never missed a practice. I think he was an encouragement to his teammates. During that entire season, he probably had a total of two minutes of actual game time. He was thankful that he was well enough to skate at all with his teammates. Emotionally, it was important for Adam to continue a regular life, and that included ice hockey.

October arrived—more layoffs. Once again, Steve dodged the bullet, but it was hard for him to watch his coworkers and friends for many years get laid off.

We continued showering attention on both Dan and Adam. I asked Dan if he would like another dog, since his had been killed on the highway a few years before. Dan didn’t want a dog—he wanted a parrot.

“A parrot? Aren’t those kind of expensive?” I asked.

“I know, Mom. I just don’t want a dog. I’d like a parrot, but if we can’t afford it, that’s OK.”

Our big-screen TV and associated audiovisual equipment all arrived and distracted my three “boys” for weeks. It took several days just to hook it up, turn it on, and find the right channel. It took seven remote controls just to operate it—a man’s ultimate dream.

I began to pray about the parrot. Adam’s illness required a lot of attention and trips to the Children’s Hospital, which meant Dan was getting left out of a lot of activities.

I called all of the humane societies and bird society clubs on Colorado’s Front Range. I explained our situation and asked if they should hear of someone needing a good home for their bird, we would love to have it.

Three days later, our phone rang. A very nice lady in Denver explained that her mother-in-law was in need of her constant care and she couldn’t keep her parrot any longer. She invited us to come down and meet Skids. She explained how parrots pick their owners and not the other way around.

Skids was a Double Yellow-Headed Amazon parrot. She was not a friendly bird, but Dan didn’t care. He stuck his hand under her and said, “Step up.”

She squawked and nailed him! She bit him so hard he was bleeding, but Dan never even flinched. Again, he said, “Step up,” and she did. They were best friends from that day on. Skids came home with us, and anytime Dan was home, she was on Dan’s shoulder everywhere in the house. Sometimes, she even ate with us at our table. That was the most spoiled bird that ever lived. She would preen Dan’s eyelashes. They were a sight to behold. God really answered our prayers.

She did have one tiny flaw. Though she loved Dan, she was a pit bull with feathers to everyone else!

October was a significant month for our family as Adam was getting his driver’s license. He and Dan studied for hours preparing for the written driver’s test. Our family still laughs about his first U-turn. Adam thought he was supposed to accelerate during the turn. We were almost thrown from the car as he whipped the vehicle around.

Once when I was teaching Adam to shift the VW, he suddenly pulled to the side of the road.

“Why did you pull over?” I asked.

He exclaimed with a big smile on his face, “Mom, did you ever think you and I would have so much fun learning to drive? Remember how we use to yell at each other, ‘I’m never driving with you in the car!’ And you would yell back, ‘I’ll never be in a car when you are driving!’”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“I just can’t get over how much fun we’ve had these past months learning to drive. Thanks.”

I replied, “You’re welcome. I love you.”

We enjoyed life with each other. We laughed through the good times, helped each other through the challenging times, stood together in horrible times, and forgave during imperfect times. We were the family I had always desired. Not perfect, but real. A family that could share the good and bad times, love and communicate with one another, and, most of all, forgive each other.

When a person takes chemotherapy to kill off bad cells, other parts of the body are affected also. The hospital was constantly ordering complete blood counts (CBCs). These are blood tests to measure important levels of platelets and red and white blood cells and let the doctor know if the patient’s immune system is low.

On December 17, Adam was running a high fever. His immune system was very low, so we admitted him back into Children’s Hospital. They filled him with antibiotics but were unsuccessful in reducing his fever.

The next day, Steve drove to work from the hospital in Denver. Once there, he found out he was getting laid off and that his job would end on the last day of April.

They stopped giving Adam chemotherapy while he was in the hospital until they could get his fever under control. For three days, they tried to find the source of the infection. This was very serious as his fever was quite high. By then, we knew that people could actually die from complications caused by chemo, especially when their immune system was low.

On the evening of the third day, as the doctor rounded the end of Adam’s bed, he brushed against Adam’s foot.

“Ouch! Watch out for my foot,” he complained.

The doctor was immediately alert. “Let me look at your foot,” he said as he pulled back the sheet.

Under that sheet was a huge, swollen, red, cartoon-looking big toe. It was as red as a radish! Adam never once complained about it. When he had entered the hospital, they asked if he hurt anywhere, but he had said, “No.”

I never thought so many people could give so much attention to a poor toe—soaking, lancing, and medicating. By the end of the next day, Adam was much better.

I teased him, saying, “If you had died from this, I was going to put on your tombstone: ‘Here lies the only teenager who died of a stubbed toe.’ Then I would have had them paint a big, red, throbbing-cartoon toe just above your name on the headstone!” We all laughed, but I was serious.

We tried to have fun while Adam was still in the hospital. We often stayed up all night watching movies. We tried to not think about the end of Steve’s job and no medical insurance.

Finally, on December 22, we all went home. We opened the sliding glass door to our kitchen and could barely get in. Our kitchen was filled with what must have been $500 worth of groceries and a card with money in it. Steve and I both thought of Isaiah 41:10, “I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Receiving the groceries was a humbling experience. We had always been on the giving end and didn’t have a clue how encouraging it could be to give to someone in need. We were so encouraged and strengthened from this display of love and generosity.

We called a couple of friends, and we soon had several names of other people who needed food and money. We got to receive and be blessed, but we decided to share that blessing with others.

On Christmas morning, an organization called Robby’s Friends also brought gifts to the house for our family. I think someone at the hospital told them that Steve got laid off. They had called Adam and Dan and asked for a list of items they would like to have for Christmas. The boys gave them a list of ideas, thinking they might get one or two items.

We were shocked when they bought them everything on their list! We learned that Robby was a young man that had died of cancer. His parents started this foundation to help families through tough times of treatment when they are financially strapped and emotionally bankrupt.

Robby’s Friends (http://www.robbysfriends.org) provides free outings for the families, gifts, and fun. No one can really understand how important these things are until you are the one fighting for your child’s life, sometimes for years. They really refilled our emotional bucket. I will always be thankful to Robby’s Friends for giving us a very special and blessed Christmas.

On New Year’s Eve, Dan, Adam, and I were sitting in the living room talking. I said, “What a year we’ve had! If you could wave a magic wand and change any one thing this year, would you do it if it also meant that I also had to do away with my changed heart and be the old mom I used to be? That ‘one thing’ could be no cancer or that Dad still had his job or Grandma didn’t die. Would you wave the wand and change something like it never happened?”

Adam quickly answered, “No way!” Adam often reminds me of the Apostle Peter with his impetuous heartfelt responses!

Both Dan and Adam agreed they wouldn’t want to change a thing, if it meant I had to go back to being the Mom I used to be before God began transforming my heart. Adam would rather face perhaps dying young and feel loved than die an old man with a bitter heart full of anger because of the old me. He also didn’t want to mess up his own kids from his own bitter heart and then watch them mess up their kids in turn.

New Year’s Day came and went. The following days and weeks seemed to all flow together. I lived by the road map—the daily calendar telling us what pills to administer or what liquid chemo to push through Adam’s port. It also included all his upcoming doctor appointments.

All my volunteer work stopped. I quit my sewing group and withdrew from other activities to concentrate on Adam and my family. We all continued to pray that God would help us through all of this. We had no idea what Steve would do for a job or medical insurance. Some of our friends who had lost jobs had found new jobs in different states, if they were lucky. It was overwhelming to think about having to move somewhere else.

It was also frightening to think of losing medical insurance. Adam’s medical bills had gone over $250,000 in only a few months.

March came and went. Just two weeks before Steve would be out of work, a young mechanical engineer decided to quit work and return to law school. Imagine, when there were thousands of people without jobs who couldn’t find work, someone would actually decide to quit. God is good and faithful.

Steve applied for that job and got it. He switched back from software engineering to his original career doing mechanical engineering. Once again, God met our needs. We never appreciated Steve’s job more than right then. We still had medical insurance coverage!

The first eleven months of leukemia treatment, phase one, was very difficult. The chemo was very strong, and some of it required being in the hospital for eight and ten hours at a time while the patient was carefully monitored. Our doctor explained that the volatile and mercurial temperament swings of a typical teenager were multiplied by chemo. Adam was a very good sport, but sometimes, the chemo challenged him emotionally and physically. We tried to be understanding and be patient, but sometimes, he was downright hard to live with, especially when he was taking heavy doses of Prednisone.

As we neared the end of phase one, our doctor encouraged us to celebrate with a party, because finishing the first eleven months was a big accomplishment. On April 9, after Adam received his last heavy-duty chemo at the hospital, we had friends over that night. We celebrated both the end of phase one and Adam’s sixteenth birthday the very next day. It was a great evening of noise, fun, and laughter. We went to great lengths to express that the worst was over! Tomorrow was his first day of “maintenance,” a much lighter phase of chemotherapy.

Adam went to school on his birthday, and his teachers let him have a pizza party. Later that afternoon, Adam dropped a pencil on the ground, and he reached for it with his right hand. His brain told his fingers, “Pick up the pencil,” but his hand just dangled from his arm like a dead fish. He tried again and nothing. His speech began to slur also, but after a few minutes, he felt OK again and continued with school. At the end of the day, I picked Adam up. We drove to the car repair shop. While I was in paying for the car, Adam’s problems began again. He called the hospital from his cell phone. They encouraged him to see a doctor immediately.

My thoughts were on planning a special birthday dinner that evening, but when I got in the car, Adam told me about his right arm, and I could hear his slurred speech. I tried not to reveal how scared I was. I knew that chemo often created other problems in a person’s body that could cause irreversible damage or even death.

Adam’s symptoms were like a person having a stroke. I prayed all the way to Children’s Hospital. As we drove into the parking lot an hour later, we saw our friend, Kimball, also parking her car. Her son was experiencing seizures from his chemo. We told her we would see her in the emergency room.

The emergency room was filled and overflowing that evening. Adam was put in a room with a baby’s crib. He was so tired that he crawled into the crib, curled up, and slept for most of our six-hour stay.

Kimball and I visited in the two emergency rooms. She was an encouragement for me, and we agreed it was a pitiful sight, watching a sixteen-year-old spend his birthday sleeping in a child’s crib.

The next day, we spent the entire day taking test after test at the hospital. We discovered the chemo was causing blood vessels on the left side in Adam’s brain to spasm and collapse. He was experiencing something like mild strokes. The doctor prescribed a huge dose of Prednisone that would hopefully resolve the problem in a couple weeks.

When Adam found out, his emotions plummeted. He hated Prednisone! It made him fat, angry, and irritable. He even cursed for the first time in front of the doctor. She didn’t care. She was so cool. She said she would cuss too if it were her, but Adam needed to decide. She held out her left hand and said, “Prednisone,” and then held out her right hand, saying, “Paralyzed for life on your right side.” She told him that once the blood vessels totally collapse, they could never be restored. Again, she gestured with her hands, “Prednisone or paralyzed?” and paused to give Adam time to choose.

This was a real emotional low for Adam. He had worked for months to get back into shape after being forty pounds overweight from his first round of Prednisone. He agreed to take the Prednisone but didn’t speak after that. He completely shut down.

Although Children’s Hospital was about an hour’s drive from our house, the drive home seemed like five hours. On the way home, I said, “I know this is difficult for you. There are only six weeks left at school. If you would like to stay home and not return to school at all, I already have permission for you to get home tutoring. If you gain weight again, you don’t have to go anywhere. It is your choice.”

He didn’t respond, but I think Adam felt he had been given back a little control in his life.

We called our church and friends for prayer. The next morning, I called upstairs to let Adam know I was leaving for an hour. “If anyone calls to ask how you are doing, will you tell them that you are better?”

“Sure, Mom. Right after I tell them I died.”

I smiled so big! Adam was back. He took the Prednisone, but this time, he was more careful about eating salty and unnecessary foods. He only gained about twelve pounds, and the Prednisone healed the problems with the blood vessels in his brain.

A few days later, we talked about it. He reminded me of the promise he had made to God while riding in the ambulance from Nebraska—that he would do whatever it took to get well. God had reminded him of the scripture Adam carried in his wallet. “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:13). Then Adam shared with me that God had kept His promises so far, and he would still try to keep his through the tough times.

Within two weeks, Adam had recovered enough to begin his regular chemo again.

By May, Dan and Adam were restless, anxiously anticipating the end of the school year. The definition of “boy” is “noise, with dirt on it.” Dan and Adam got to roughhousing upstairs. Several times, I yelled up for them to stop before someone got hurt, but they continued. Finally, I said, “I’m starting to get stressed. Someone is going to get hurt!”

Two minutes later, I heard them barreling down the stairs. The house shuddered, and I heard a tremendous crash. In his rush to clear the stairs while fleeing barefooted from Adam, Dan swung on the post holding up the second-story floor. He bashed his head into the large light fixture hanging from the ceiling. It broke into a thousand pieces when it hit the wall and fell to the floor nine feet below.

As I rounded the corner, I said, “Don’t move. There’s glass everywhere! Are you all right?”

“Mom, I’m so sorry. I broke the chandelier.” Dan was holding his forehead.

“Are you cut? Let me see?”

“I’ll clean it up, Mom. I’m sorry, Mom. It was the original fixture. You can’t replace it!”

“Dan, I don’t care about the light fixture. It’s just glass. You’re more important than a light. Please let me see your head.”

He was fine, but sported quite a lump on his head. I had him stand still while I swept up the glass.

I returned to the computer, and the boys moved on to new mischief. As I sat there, I replayed my conversation with Dan in my head. I realized how much I loved Daniel and how much more important he was than a light fixture. For the first time in my life, I continued to love him after he broke something of mine—he just got to feel loved and important. I put my head down on the desk and wept. I wept because Jesus was making something beautiful of my life. I wept because my reaction was natural—it wasn’t thought out or contrived. The power of Jesus’s love was becoming evident in my life and in my relationships, and it was changing me.

School ended and soon the summer’s activities were in full swing. We drove to that year’s family camp. This year, Steve was unable to attend.

This family camp was a little different than the previous summer. Drew was the director of the camp this year instead of the resident staff. Instead of the kids joining the adults in the evening, Drew had prepared a separate program for high school students, teaching them about strongholds. Each year, Steve and I told the boys we would like them to attend the evening services with us, but they got to choose if they went to the high school programs or not.

This year, Dan and Adam didn’t want to attend. They had been hearing about nothing but strongholds and “heart stuff” for months. I had been laying it on pretty thick since attending the intensive seminar fourteen months earlier.

At sometime during the previous year, I had started lecturing and training the boys instead of just loving them. It didn’t feel like love to them, and they resented it. It reminded them of their old mom—lecturing, teaching, and pressuring, except this time it had a “spiritual” emphasis.

Somewhere along the way, I took back the responsibility for my children from God. I was pressuring them to learn all about the heart. The key word is “learn.” I shifted from loving to teaching (an intellectual exercise). I took my kids back from God and was getting the job done myself—in the flesh.

My very-outspoken kids had shared with me exactly how they felt about the change. I realized I was getting off track and needed to search my own heart to get back on the right track. I remembered that all I needed to do was love them, and God would do the rest (the most wonderful thing about kids is their ability to forgive and give you another chance).

About a month before family camp, I started loving my kids again without my flesh getting in the way. At camp, when I told them they didn’t have to attend any of the camp or teen lectures, they relaxed.

I made this request though: “If you don’t want to go, that’s fine. I would ask that you not encourage other kids to skip the sessions or do anything with them during the lecture time.” On their own initiative, they decided to attend at least half of the sessions. I was pleased, because I would rather them go to half of the classes and really listen than learn nothing because I had forced them to go.

During that week, I again counseled people and felt that tug on my heart again toward a counseling ministry. And I felt something else: It felt good to be noticed and be included in the “in-crowd”—to be needed and to be known. For so many years, I had felt either left out or kicked out.

I immediately recognized that those feelings were the beginnings of sin and pride. I repented for loving the attention, and I began to guard my heart after that. I didn’t want anything like that entering my heart. I detected a few new strongholds connected to those feelings and was able to get free of them.

I registered Steve and myself to attend another lay-counseling seminar scheduled for the last week of January.

On our way home from camp, Adam encouraged me to ask Drew if I could teach the same high school class at camp the following summer. The boys made a lot of new friends and were hoping to see them again the following summer. Over the next few months, the more Adam pestered me about teaching, the more I considered doing it. Several months later, I was asked to help one of Drew’s new staff teach the teenagers at camp.

Dan began working for a car dealership. We were able to buy an affordable car that Dan could use at a considerable discount. We had been saying for years that we wouldn’t buy cars for our kids to use, except we changed our minds. Love is sometimes expressed by changing minds.

In exchange for using our car like it was his very own, no one was allowed in the car for the rest of the summer. Dan and Adam groaned, but respected our wishes.

Dan’s senior year found him very busy with tennis and music. For the second time, he was selected to play in the Ft. Collins Youth Symphony at CSU. We relaxed our car rules a bit and let him begin driving friends to events and out to lunch.

Now sixteen, Adam was a junior and played on the high school’s first ever ice-hockey team. His health was more stable, and he began looking for a part-time job.

We spent a lot of time together, and the boys often included themselves in on our dates. As our sons grew comfortable around us, we noticed more cuss words in their conversations. I simply said, “If you choose to cuss, that’s your decision to make. I personally feel that people who cuss have a limited vocabulary and are not very creative. That description doesn’t fit either one of you. I do have a problem with you cussing around me, though. I was raised with bad words every day of my childhood. When I hear cuss words, I find myself struggling with the bad words in my mind, and now they are starting to come out of my mouth again. Please love me and care for me by not cussing around me.”

They didn’t feel judged or pressured to stop cursing or the need to measure up to my expectations, but I did offer them an opportunity to protect me. Over the next few months, if they forgot once in a while, I would remind them, and they would start protecting me again.

Six or seven months later, Dan and Adam made a brotherly pact to stop swearing. By themselves, they made this life-changing decision.

Some things in our lives didn’t change. I still tucked the boys in each night and our relationships remained close. Steve was incredible in helping me find my issues, but I was seeing few outward changes in him. Steve wasn’t severely dysfunctional. He didn’t have a long list of things that needed changing, but he did need God to change some negative thought patterns and depression patterns he would fall into at times. Nice people like my husband often don’t see their need for God to free them of their flesh patterns or strongholds, because the evidence isn’t cruel, shocking, or noticeable.

God had touched my life and freed me from many dysfunctional behaviors, and I wanted to share these biblical principals with others, especially with my family. I began to start noticing the little things that my family members were doing wrong. Again, I began to try to fix their problems and express my opinions. Once again, they resented it. They finally came to a place where they didn’t want to hear any more stronghold stuff. They even called it the “S” word.

Some evenings, I just wanted some time to shut down and do what I wanted. I would get out a crochet project and just get started when I would be interrupted with someone’s need. One evening, I actually resented tucking the boys in when they asked. It just seemed I never got to do what I wanted to do anymore. I was having very selfish thoughts, and a self-centered attitude was growing in me. I call this the “empty-bucket” syndrome. This was proof that I was shifting back from Jesus loving through me to again doing it on my own.

It was during this time I realized that we needed to not only give Jesus control of each stronghold He took back from the enemy, but also invite the Holy Spirit to fill our heart with attributes of God’s character. This allows Christ to love through us and prevents the empty-bucket syndrome.

One evening, we were all in the living room. Adam yelled a nasty comment about taking his pills, and Steve took offense and reacted in a less-than-loving and less-than-understanding manner. I jumped in to explain that Adam was on Prednisone and he was right in the middle of his nasty-impatient-want-to-hit-somebody mood.

Steve locked up and got angry at me. Dan shut down and kept quiet while he internalized everything.

Adam hated it when I asked him every night, “Did you take your pills?” I felt missing chemo was simply not an option. I had to be the one in charge of drugs. I needed to be in control of something I didn’t even want to be in control of. Adam had a stronghold against me being in control of anything, even if it would save his life. In minutes, we were all “in the boat on the ocean,” and everyone was slinging water except Dan. Dan may not have been participating in the water slinging, but he was definitely wet and damaged from everyone else slinging water and fighting.

Life happens, and we are all imperfect people. Just because we have come a long way, it doesn’t mean that we would never again have trials, arguments, temptations, or newly discovered strongholds.

I tend to be a runner. I lost track of the number of times my mom packed her bags and left home. This was my night to shut down and run. No one wanted help from me. We all had problems, and as far as I could see, I felt like I was the only one facing my problems. I was getting tired of always being the one dealing with strongholds in my life. I was frustrated.

I stuffed a few things in a bag, grabbed my pillow, and was gone within a couple of minutes.

Thirty minutes later, Steve called to tell me he and Adam had worked things out. They had prayed together, and Adam forgave him for being mean to him. Steve invited me to come home if I wanted to come. He let me know he would be there waiting when I was ready. He promised that if I came home, I could go straight to our room and not talk to the boys.

I came home, and Steve and I spent a long time talking and praying and holding each other that night. Several strongholds were revealed as we relaxed and talked. Life gets complicated when several people ROCK at the same time, but we just need to relax and talk through it.

Stronghold #1—Steve

For years, I had come between Steve and his sons. He always wanted to have his own relationship with them. He wanted to be able to have fun with them, teach them things, make mistakes, and resolve those mistakes himself. I tended to control his interaction with his sons, and he resented it. Even though he needed to know that Adam was being influenced by Prednisone, he ROCKed because of all my past interferences. A stronghold in his life wouldn’t let me come between him and his sons, even if the information was important. Steve and I were on a circle of destruction.

When I would tell him something around his sons, he would get angry and react. Then I would feel unwanted, unneeded, and dishonored, and I would run. This was a destructive pattern that was repeated often in our marriage. We prayed about it and asked Jesus to free us of our core hidden strongholds.

Stronghold #2—Adam

Adam’s stronghold blamed me as the cause of his dad’s anger toward him. This resulted in Adam being angry at me. Many times in the past, I had gotten so angry with Adam I just couldn’t handle it. I would call Steve and dump all my anger toward Adam on him. I wanted Steve to come home and beat the crap out of Adam. Steve would come home furious at Adam for his behavior. I wish I hadn’t been so convincing that it was all Adam’s fault, because now I know very little of it was his fault.

Stronghold #3—Sherilyn

A generational stronghold caused me to run away whenever I felt rejection, stress, or that I wasn’t needed or appreciated.

Stronghold #4—Sherilyn

Steve wouldn’t listen to me, just like my dad. My father would spank me over and over every time I tried to explain something. He never let me explain.

Stronghold #5—Adam

Adam couldn’t handle me being in charge. He felt like I was controlling him. When he was on Prednisone, he really didn’t want me to remind him to take his chemo every night. This particular stronghold was what started the whole fight. Everything that followed was each of us reacting in our own flesh patterns.

Stronghold #6—Dan

Dan just internalized everything and was totally stressed because of it. He locked up and wouldn’t talk. He was consumed with feelings of hopelessness and would become angry and depressed. For years, I had confided to Dan my wifely and motherly frustrations. I think Dan felt pressured to fix the problems—to be the peacemaker. I put adult pressures and responsibilities on Dan when he was just a child. This can be very damaging to children—often causing them to hide tremendous pressures, anger, feelings of failure, and even take on the guilt.

This was a perfect environment for Satan to do his best work of lying, confusing, destroying, and killing our relationships. Things become very complicated when several people ROCK at once.

It would have been wonderful if Adam had been willing to address his stronghold that triggered his angry flesh pattern when he felt controlled, but he wasn’t ready for that. As a family, though, we were able to deal with this major blowup. Steve and I dealt with our strongholds, and when the time was right, we helped with Adam with his.

Later, we learned to be better prepared for Adam’s huge mood swings. Adam couldn’t even understand himself at these times. Every month, he had to take Prednisone five days in a row. So for eight days each month, every month for thirty-nine months, we needed to endure his emotional mood swings.

I bought a huge weekly pill box with twenty-eight compartments. I learned to fill all the boxes and let Adam be in charge of taking his chemo before 10:00 p.m. After that, I had his permission to bring pills to him to take. There were many nights I would take his pills to him at two in the morning. The new plan helped a lot. Taking pills two to four times a day for thirty-nine months got old, but he could deal better with this new plan.

In the years before my heart began changing, I always got the cart before the horse. I laid out the rules and the structure to get something done with my family. I had a plan, and it was my responsibility to try to love them by seeing that it all got taught, done, and done right. My love was defined by my actions, and I was getting it all wrong.

I realized love meant listening to them. Letting them feel important and valued. They helped me come up with solutions and ways they could be in charge of their own lives. This allowed me to let them make their own mistakes and experience success on their own—these were truly their successes. I let the boys have their own relationship with their God and their dad. They got to decide how to spend their time and money.

In life-and-death situations (as in taking chemo), I learned to first love Adam and only then add structure and schedule. When I loved first and then pushed drugs, he felt loved and really helped by me and not controlled or dominated.

A few weeks after this, I yelled upstairs, “Adam?”

He responded, “Am I in trouble?”

“No. You have a phone call.”

Adam answered the phone, and as I stood at the foot of the stairs, I realized that every time I raised my voice to call Adam, he answered, “Am I in trouble?” He made a joke of it, but the truth was clear. “Am I in trouble?” was a clue or evidence of an inner-heart problem. After the phone call, I went to his room.

I sat on the bed, looked into the eyes of my seventeen-year-old, and asked in a caring voice, “When I yell ‘Adam!’ up the stairs, do you feel afraid or in trouble?”

“No,” he laughed (his laughing was a clue that I was close to the truth).

“Think about it. When you are up here and all of a sudden you hear me yell unexpectedly, do you feel like you are in trouble?”

“Yeah. I guess I do think that at first.”

I said, “You haven’t been ‘in trouble’ for over three years. I think it’s sad that you still feel like you are in trouble. Did you feel like you were in trouble a lot with me before you were fourteen?”

“Yeah. All the time,” he answered.

“What did it feel like to be afraid of me—to feel like you were in trouble?”

“Like you hated me. It felt like no one cared and no one would listen to me. I think that’s why I hated Dan so much. He never got into trouble.”

I began asking questions—like following a rabbit down a rabbit hole—going deeper and deeper into Adam’s heart, until he was in his heart where the real hurt was. Usually, when you get to the real pain, tears begin to flow.

“Do you remember a long time ago, you had that cute little duck on a stick? Its little feet flopped around when you pushed him?”

“Yeah. You broke the sucker in half ‘cuz you were mad at me!”

“Can you remember how you felt that day?” I asked. Right then, Adam moved into his heart. He let God pull him out of the car as in “The Accident” and move toward his feelings.

“Mom, you were so mean. I broke something of yours accidentally, and you went into a rage. You wouldn’t even listen. You just started picking up my stuff and breaking it. I felt like you hated me, and I was afraid you were going to hit me. I just wanted you to listen. I broke your thing accidentally, and you smashed my duck on purpose.”

I held Adam saying, “I was wrong to treat you that way. You did nothing to deserve that kind of abusive treatment. Do you think you could find it in your heart to forgive me?”

“Yeah,” he answered through his tears.

“Thank you, Adam. I appreciate your forgiveness. The sad part is you still feel in trouble. You answer me every time, ‘Am I in trouble?’ Ten years from now, you’ll be working at a desk somewhere, and your boss will slip in your office and say, ‘Adam?’ You’ll be caught off guard, and your chest will clinch just before you answer, ‘Am I in trouble?’ Do you want to feel that way for the rest of your life?”

“No.”

“Jesus can help you get free of this, just like he helped me get free of yelling. Would you like for me to lead you in a prayer that will help you to get free of this awful feeling?”

“Yes.”

We prayed together out loud. Adam repeated these words. Jesus, I choose to forgive my mom for yelling at me, for not listening to me, and making me feel like I was in trouble. For making me feel like I was never good or good enough, for causing me to be afraid, alone and in a hopeless situation. I know she was wrong, but I just want to let all of my anger and bitterness toward her go. I don’t want her to have to pay for this anymore.

The enemy got a stronghold in my heart, and he uses it as a base of operation to make me afraid of being in trouble all the time. Jesus, will you take back that stronghold from the enemy for me and now I give it to you for your control? Will you fill my heart with your love and your calming peace? Will you forgive me for being angry at my mom?

Adam cried as he recited this prayer. I waited for him to talk.

“Mom, I think I know why I treat Dan so mean.”

“Why?”

“He never got into trouble. I always thought you liked him better. We need to pray about that one, too.”

Adam and I took those issues to Jesus and let Jesus have a new portion of Adam’s heart for His control. We prayed over two more issues that night, but I can’t remember what they were. I just remember this was a significant moment in Adam’s life.

From that day on, he never again answered me, “Am I in trouble?” He became more confident and became more of a leader in the weeks and months ahead. He and Dan’s relationship changed dramatically, and they became best friends.

Dan made it to the regional finals in tennis that year. Adam asked if he could drive Dan’s car home from school for him. Instead of just driving next door to our house and parking it, he and a friend drove eight more miles clear up to Fort Collins. On their way home, it began to rain. It was raining very hard, but again he drove right by our house out to the outlet mall two miles east of us.

I had just arrived home from watching Dan win his tennis match when the phone rang. Steve called to tell me that Adam was involved in a fender bender at the traffic light by the outlet mall.

I had heard all the fire trucks and ambulances, but that was a daily experience out on the highway where we live. I had no idea they were rushing to help our son.

I drove out, and Steve arrived shortly after me. His fender bender in reality had totaled two cars! Adam had hydroplaned and hit a car. The other car took out a telephone pole, and the two elderly occupants were taken to the hospital with minor injuries. Adam and his friend were emotionally shaken up but not hurt. It was amazing to me how minor the injuries were when both cars were totaled along with the telephone pole.

This incident set our family back a few months emotionally. Adam had used Dan’s car without permission and totaled it. Adam had his own car to drive, but chose to make the most of Dan’s car while he was away. This didn’t sit well with Dan. Also, Adam chose to disobey our family’s driving rule by having a friend in the car with him.

We had set the rules, but left it up to the boys if they were going to obey them or not. For three years, we had been letting both our sons make their own choices about rules. Dan felt Adam should have been severely punished. When we didn’t punish him, it triggered Dan’s flesh pattern of anger toward us.

As parents, we “released” both boys at fourteen and fifteen. When they made poor or wrong choices, we couldn’t just pick the rod back up again and whack them with it. When they got in trouble, they had to wrestle with the consequences of their actions, such as damaged relationships. We let God work in their lives and in their hearts. This was a difficult decision, but we didn’t need to be the ones to fix it—God is big enough to transform anyone’s heart.

November and December were stressful months. Adam needed to pay for the ticket and the increased insurance costs. We attended Adam’s court hearing with him. There was dissension in our home due to Adam’s actions. It was difficult living with the anger between the two boys and Dan’s repressed anger toward us. We weren’t sure if we were handling the situation correctly, but felt it was important for Adam to experience the consequences of his actions.

Dan was able to buy a lovely used red BMW with the insurance money. That calmed the waters a little, but not the raging storm inside Dan. We continued to let Dan and Adam work out their relationship in their own way and in their own time.

They were still distant with one another when the New Year rolled around. They had been getting into small fights for several months. Adam still refused to take the blame for the car accident, and Dan still held a grudge against him. Adam wanted to blame the rain, the other driver—anything but himself.

In January, Adam called me to his room after he and Dan had just had a physical fight. He said, “Mom, I know what I’m doing to make Dan mad, and I know why I’m doing it.”

“Do you want to share it with me?” I replied.

“Yeah, I need you to help me pray about it. I don’t want to be mean to him anymore. I hate it.”

He shared with me that while growing up, everyone gave Dan attention because of his musical talent with the harmonica. Adam didn’t feel like he measured up or could do anything particularly special himself. I stayed quiet—I was there to listen and care about his heart, not convince him that his feelings were wrong.

Dan had rarely gotten into trouble, while Adam felt like he was always in trouble all those years he was growing up. Dan was smart and made good grades easily. In junior high, Adam felt like I liked Dan more than him. He resented Dan and tried to get people to hate him at school. Also, Dan always had money because he didn’t spend much.

Adam let each one of these issues grow into anger and bitterness toward Dan. Now, Adam had a clear view of what his actions were doing to destroy their friendship. He and I prayed about each issue, one at a time. Adam was in his heart, and we both cried, as he prayed and chose to forgive me and himself for our past actions.

From that day on, Dan and Adam did almost everything together. They became inseparable best friends. It was worth the wait.

A week later, I flew to Wisconsin to counsel a few couples during one of Drew’s conferences. I counseled with people for four days, and Drew asked me to give my testimony during the conference. It was a wonderful experience.

Later in January, Steve and I attended an intensive counseling training seminar led by Drew. It was an incredible experience. That week, Steve finally allowed me access to his heart. I was holding him one evening in our hotel room. He was relaxed, and after I held him awhile, we began to talk. He shared some of the things he learned in the training seminar that had touched his heart.

As we talked about our boys and how he related with them, he made this statement, “The boys are supposed to be afraid of me. I’m their father. They need to respect me, and that’s part of it.”

I answered, “No. They’re not supposed to be afraid of you.”

We talked more, and Steve began to share some hurts and fears from his childhood. These fears were now affecting many areas in his life, especially his relationship with his father. Steve loved his dad and appreciated all of the wonderful things he had taught him growing up, but was still afraid of him, even though his dad was now over eighty years old.

This was a stronghold because there was nothing currently in his dad’s behavior to justify this fear.

Steve shared about his upbringing and things he had experienced as a small boy. He remembered what it felt like as a small boy to be afraid of his dad.

When Steve’s stronghold of being afraid of his father was being formed, his father may not even have acted toward him in an abusive manner. As a child, we would not know all the facts. Someone might have told Steve, “Wait until your father gets home!” The trauma of a statement like that for a young sensitive boy could have been worse than the actual punishment. Then there is always the possibility that his punishment was delivered in anger—without love.

Steve told me that he thought his own sin was in not trusting Jesus enough—that he didn’t have enough faith to believe Jesus could and really would take away his fears.

Steve had been raised to be tough and do things on his own—a legacy given to him by both his parents. I think he was really tired of always having to look tough and self-sufficient when he didn’t feel tough inside and had internal fears. He was always on guard, afraid someone would find out the truth that he wasn’t so tough inside after all. He hated asking anyone for help, including me. It often made me feel left out of his life and unneeded. This led to many problems in our marriage.

Because of his self-sufficiency, Steve didn’t want to give all his pain to Jesus. He said that Jesus had done so much already for him when He died on the cross and he didn’t want to burden Him with more. It was really a sin of pride in his own self-sufficiency to take care of the problem himself without Jesus’s help.

I asked him to pray, Jesus, do you want me to give you all my fears and pain? Will you show me your answer in a thought, word picture, a verse, or a song?

As Jesus answered, Steve began to cry, and then he wept bitterly. I held him as he let go of all his pain. Later, he told me, “My word picture I received from God showed me holding this giant bag of my sin and pain. I was determined to carry it myself and just dragged this heavy bag around with me every day. Then Jesus showed me what my bag looked like at the foot of His cross with all the other sins left there—all the sins He had died for. The huge bag became this pathetic, dirty, tiny little bag in my hand. Jesus had already died for my sin and my pain. He just wanted me to let it go. I slowly turned my hand over and let it fall—plop.”

Steve was able then to forgive his dad from his heart for things that had happened when he was a boy. He asked Jesus to take away the stronghold of fear and replace it with his peace. He was freed from his fear of his dad, and since then, has enjoyed a much richer and closer relationship with him.

Steve also asked Jesus to forgive him for his pride (his self-sufficiency) and for not turning over his fears (his bag) sooner. We stayed up all night talking. Jesus also gave Steve a verse about fear—Romans 8:15: “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’”

Now there were two in our family committed to giving Jesus all their pain and 100 percent of their heart. Adam wasn’t included yet. Adam had experienced God’s healing touch of his heart and changes in his life, but he had yet to make a commitment to bring every hurt to Jesus for healing and give Him 100 percent of his heart. Adam needed to arrange that time with Jesus on his own.

It was truly an amazing month. My family was coming to me for more than love. They were allowing me to lead them to their hearts and let Jesus take back the strongholds of the enemy that kept them in bondage and kept them from functioning properly. I was being led by Jesus again and not from my own desire to fix everyone spiritually.

Our relationships began to blossom after that. Steve and I were intimate best friends and an inseparable team. We could talk about anything. There were no closed doors or hidden secrets. When strongholds came up, we addressed them quickly. We became adept in accepting daily the things that came up with Adam’s cancer treatment. We faced each issue squarely and were even able to laugh our way through most of them. Laughter is good for the soul. We still try to find something to laugh about every day.

Reflections: Chapter 8

I wish I could tell you that an abundant life in Christ is like a fairy-tale world where no one ever makes a mistake and everyone lives happily ever after. I can’t do that because we are all human. Besides, if everything were perfect, it wouldn’t be long before we thought we didn’t need God, and then we would be right back in a terrible fix again. We need God. We always will—it’s a lifelong journey.

Arguments with persons close to us are here to stay. However, the intensity and frequency of arguments will decrease tremendously as you allow more of Christ and less of you in your life. You will become less offended and less defensive, and conflicts will be far less volatile. You’ll also discover that being right really isn’t very important, especially when and if you care for the heart of the other person.

In this chapter, I showed the steps I took to care for Adam’s heart. This should give you an idea of what it looks like. Notice some of the things he said: “Dan never gets in trouble,” “Everyone likes Dan,” and “Dan is talented, and I’m not.” None of these statements were completely true. Adam was telling me how he felt, moving toward his heart, and leaving himself open and vulnerable. The fastest way I could have locked him up, shut him down, and shut him up would have been to tell him he was mistaken or wrong. I also could have shut him down if I had defended myself. But Adam was sharing his feelings and moving toward his inner hurt, and these feelings were true. They might not have been 100 percent factual, but they were true in his mind. I needed to care about his feelings, not the twisted facts.

Caring for someone’s heart is not difficult—it’s just foreign to most of us. If you ask someone questions about how they are feeling or how they once felt, that begins the journey to reach the depth of the pain. Many heart questions are found in Appendix G. But if you jump in by correcting facts, defending yourself, or trying to fix the problem, you will slam shut the door to their heart.

Because God had been healing my heart and transforming me, Jesus’s love flowed from me to Adam. I could focus on his needs instead of explaining what really happened. In some cases, there was a good explanation, and most of the time, it was because I had been unloving and wrong in how I had treated him. However, I could save those explanations for later or just let them go unexplained and allow God to heal his heart.

I repeat it isn’t difficult to care for someone’s heart if you can keep your focus on their needs and not your own. Sometimes, however, it’s difficult to focus completely on someone else’s needs, especially if you haven’t allowed God to heal your own heart. We are still human and can turn our focus back to our own interests. Then both people will often become frustrated and even lock up. Steve and I have been there several times. In those moments, however, it just takes one person to pray out loud, Jesus, make the enemy go away. Help me to care about his (or her) heart.

In this next section, I would like to teach you more about how to care for a person’s heart. This is not so much a list of how-to instructions, but more like ingredients that you will need to care:

1. Before you start, ask Jesus to help you care for the other person’s heart.

2. Find a relaxing place to sit or lie together where you are comfortable and won’t be disturbed. Clear your schedule.

3. Pray and ask Jesus out loud to make the enemy go away so you can care about one another.

4. Begin with nonconfrontational communication that feels safe for both people. Then, ask questions that will reveal their desire and if they are willing to accept your help. For example, “Do you want to feel that way all your life, Adam?” “Would you like me to lead you in a prayer that will free you from those feelings?”

5. Ask heart questions about their feelings (see Appendix G).

6. Don’t pressure, criticize, or try to fix anything by lecturing or correcting the person’s behavior, feelings, or opinions. Don’t try to defend yourself or justify your actions. If you do, you’ll know you still have hidden pain in your own heart that causes you to care more about your own pain than theirs.

7. Help them feel comfortable. Let them talk. You just get to listen to what they say. If they are relaxed and not on guard, they will actually tell you exactly what you need to know. If they attack you, notice their pain and hurt. Avoid defense. You might reply, “I realize how angry I made you. I’m sorry. Could you help me understand why that made you so angry?” This will lead to more insightful communication.

8. If you are new at this, mistakes will be made. Let them have signals or words ready to communicate their concerns. They might say, “I am feeling uncomfortable,” or “I don’t feel loved by you right now.” Or perhaps, they could raise their palm up to stop. Any of these will show or tell you that you are getting off track—that they are not feeling loved right then.

9. Forgiveness needs to be quickly given if mistakes are made and someone isn’t feeling loved. More than likely, the mistake was made because strongholds were causing self-centered or defensive reactions by one person. Remember, it’s difficult to care for someone else when you’re concerned about yourself and trying to defend or protect yourself because of your own strongholds.

The key to caring for someone’s heart is to ask questions about their feelings and then let them talk while you listen well. Even if you don’t do it perfectly, you could ask, “How did that make you feel a moment ago when I tried to defend myself?” Start again from there. “Could you forgive me for messing up? Would you be willing to pray with me and ask Jesus to help us care about each other?”

As we listen, ask heart questions, and try to see the other person’s heart through God’s eyes, something real and powerful happens. Over time, with the Holy Spirit guiding us and His love flowing from us, caring for others becomes natural.

A person will usually go into their heart when they are gently led, unless they are very afraid and have intense fear (like I had when my mom held the knife to my throat). If you run into extreme fear or guilt, try some of these approaches to get past the barrier:

1) Pray out loud, Jesus, make the enemy go away so we can hear from you.

2) Lead the person in prayer. Have them pray, Jesus, can I give You my fear? or Jesus, can I give my fear to my husband (wife/friend)?

3) Have them pray, Jesus, I am scared. Are you with me right now? Will you answer me in a word picture, a song, a verse, or a thought if you’re with me?

4) Have them pray things like

• “Do I need to be afraid?”

• “Do you want me to revisit this painful memory?”

• “What would my heart look like if I allowed You to heal it?”

• “What would my relationships look like if You healed my heart?”

Wait for an answer from God. His answer will often break through the barrier. If no answer comes right then, tell them it is OK and let them relax about that. You could use scriptures that affirm how much God loves them and that He is always with them. If they later get an answer from Him right out of the blue, it will be so exciting. They will know it is their special answer directly from Him and not something we forced or contrived. These are special messages to them direct from God that they will treasure forever. Everything is in God’s timing.

It can be very fearful dealing with some strongholds. Also, stubbornness, unforgiveness, guilt, pride, or a distorted view of truth often will prevent us from going into our heart. We need Jesus to break down those barriers—we just need to be willing to let Him. He will do it if we ask, but first, we must desire to travel this journey with God. We clearly need to know what will motivate us to go the distance and not turn back or quit. We need to know why we want to be whole—to be free.

After you read the following story by a forty-year-old woman, we will identify some of the different strongholds that this woman has and how they might be affecting her. I have combined three true and separate sexual abuse stories into this one since they were almost identical. I chose this example for several reasons: It has elements of fear and need for secrecy, and because an enormous number of men and women have been affected by sexual abuse. I also chose this story because it’s very difficult to forgive someone who has harmed you like this.

My father often told me I was the apple of his eye and he would never let anyone hurt me. When I was six, my mother’s brother raped me in the woods near my home. He told me not to tell anyone because they would be mad at me for coming home late and because he would tell them I was lying anyway. He said he was an adult and they would believe him. No one would believe a child.

I was physically hurt and afraid. When my mother saw the blood, I told her what my uncle did. She said her brother would never do anything like that and I was not to talk about it again. She didn’t believe me.

Every year for several years, my uncle found a way to sexually abuse me when he came to visit. I never told anyone.

The hurt, fear, and trauma were overwhelming for a six-year-old. When the victim shares a story like this, it is often shared intellectually—in a detached manner. Their heart is disconnected from the pain, and they can tell their story without breaking down and crying. Often, no fear is revealed, and they are just reciting facts. If I were to ask them to forgive the person right then, they would forgive from their head, not their heart. Many Christians try to forgive like this out of obedience to God and His Word. I did that myself and was deceived by the enemy. I believed I had forgiven my parents when I was in my mid-twenties. I said the words, but it was all from my head. However, my heart remembered and still harbored hate, bitterness, anger, fear, and unforgiveness. I grew up tough, insensitive, and could be downright mean.

Our culture and family values often teach this: “Men don’t cry and women are too emotional, so, ladies, toughen up.” When abused children grow up, some learn to be tough and just get on with life. All of them find ways to cope just to make life bearable. Unfortunately, their flesh patterns for coping and conforming leave their hearts wide open to the enemy’s influence.

This “sexual abuse” story is not uncommon. I am shocked at how many times I have heard adults say that, as children, they were told never to talk about something so very painful.

This rape story reveals many things that explain the problems this woman is having in her life. And it’s because of these problems that this woman decided to seek help. As a forty-year-old, she reacts certain ways because of the power of strongholds in her. Below is a list of evidences and consequences that were revealed as she relaxed and I began to counsel her and ask questions. Can you see the connections?

• She is afraid of parks with woods.

• She hates camping and has never known why.

• She is afraid to go anywhere alone.

• She finds it difficult to trust males.

• She is outraged if someone ever thinks or hints that she is not telling the truth.

• She has no close female relationships.

• She doesn’t trust females.

• She blames her father and doesn’t trust him. This episode in her life may have completely changed her relationship with him. He has no idea why she was aloof and distant to him her whole life.

• She only shares a small part of herself with her own family—she hides a lot of her thoughts and emotions. She is very verbal and fights to defend all abused children. She may go into a rage when she hears of sexual abuse on TV or in her local community.

• She is afraid of being late.

• She keeps her personal life and thoughts to herself.

• She fears her uncle or any company coming to visit.

• She is always afraid. She feels unsafe and is very nervous.

• She loves reading books 24/7.

• She lacks confidence.

• She has problems with intimacy in her marriage.

• She becomes very upset if anyone ever tells her to be quiet, even for a good reason.

• She feels dirty and sometimes blames herself.

• She tries to hide her rage.

• She is too involved in her children’s lives, and her husband feels left out. Her children feel smothered.

• She needs to control situations and people.

• She is obsessed with protecting her children. At the tiniest hint of trouble, she goes completely overboard: making accusations, calling police, etc. Her children hate it.

• She hates her mother and never shares anything meaningful with her.

• She is socially active, but lacks genuine heart. Her performance seems plastic and guarded—she will only let people get to arm’s length in a relationship. She keeps her distance and her secrets.

This woman will remain like this the rest of her life unless she allows God to heal her heart and transform her life. God can use these consequences for good. They lead back to the sin or the crime just like clues at a murder scene. We can follow these evidences back to the sin of rape, and then she can either choose to forgive that person or hold on to justified anger and bitterness. The Bible is pretty explicit about how bitterness and unforgiveness can then destroy her.

Caring about this woman’s heart required me to also care about the little six-year-old girl still inside her. That is where her damaged heart is—that’s where and when she shut down—blocking out the pain. Without even thinking about it or realizing it, she locked her heart at six.

Her locked heart causes several problems. Her emotions are hidden, locked away, and left to fester. This gives ground to the enemy. By locking her heart, she is deceived into believing that no one can hurt her again like that. She has built a wall around her heart.

This wall causes a new problem. She has to keep a tight rein on her emotions; they’re kept under lock and key. The main emotions expressed are those like anger and bitterness. If any healthy emotion ever gets out, it is diminished and far less than what God created in her—a poor representation of who she really is in Christ. Most of the time, she keeps people at a distance. She may feel uncomfortable if anyone pressures her to be closer than just an acquaintance. She will lead a cautious life where she is in control. This unresolved abuse may cause her to actually have six-year-old characteristics evident in her adult life today. This is an example involving abuse here, but any hidden stronghold from pain works in this same way, for male or female.

The evidences listed above brought this woman to her knees as they created conflict in her life and relationships. She asked God to really help her. She humbled herself similarly to what I did seven years ago when I said, “I’ve tried everything in my own power, and my best is not working. My best efforts are worthless, and my life is horrible. Jesus, if you will just show me what is in my heart, I will do whatever you ask of me to clean it up with you.”

Let’s go through a counseling session with this forty-year-old woman. As I begin to care about her and journey with her into her heart, let’s assume I don’t know anything yet about the rape or anything else about her. I start by just asking heart questions—nonconfrontational questions where she feels relaxed.

• Notice how I listen for clues.

• Try to see evidences in her life.

• See how I use comfortable, nonthreatening questions and note her discoveries from them.

• Notice how I say prayers and have her repeat them so she doesn’t have to think. I invite her to repeat them only if she wants to say them to God from her heart.

• As she begins to relax, see how I move to more difficult heart questions—these are usually about feelings. She will either stay with me and follow me into her heart or she will check out like I did, thinking about the knife held to my throat.

My first question and statement to her in a relaxed setting would be “Can you tell me what your relationships are like between you and each family member?” Then I would ask what is bothering her and where she is having difficulty. Through her answers, I would write out the list of evidences listed on the previous pages.

After making a list, I would use that list to help her see what she has been missing out on in her life. I would ask questions and let her answer.

For example, I would say, “You mentioned that you were never comfortable taking your children to a park. When you did go, you always hated your time there. Would you have liked to play with your children at the park like your friends did and have fun with your children without experiencing enormous fear?”

I would pick a few more questions like that from the list:

• “Do you want to be afraid like this for the rest of your life?”

• “Do you think all of these feeling of fear and control affect any of your family relationships?” (Yes, her kids hate her controlling and overprotective ways.)

• “What would you like to experience in your relationships with your family?”

• “When you have grandchildren, would you like to enjoy the park and camping with them?”

• “Would you be willing to ask Jesus to show you what your heart looks like now?”

• “Would you like Jesus to heal your heart?”

I would share how God made her in His image: He didn’t make her to be mean, angry, overprotective, afraid, or controlling.

• “Would you like to love your family and others more like Jesus would?”

• “Are those the kind of relationships you really want? Or do you want relationships with an intimate closeness?”

• “Would you like to feel free of anger, fear, and control and to be full of laughter and joy even during difficult times?”

As we work through these questions in a relaxed way, trust will build. She will begin to understand the necessity of sharing her secret rape with me.

“Would you allow me to lead you in a series of questions that will take us to the hurt in your heart? On this journey, I will not make you follow me or make you say or do anything you don’t want to do? Are you willing?” I let her answer.

At this point, she trusts me enough to tell me the details about being raped, though still in an intellectual way.

After the rape is revealed, I explain, “What your uncle did was wrong. It was a sin, and you did nothing to deserve it. But the enemy wants to keep on destroying you even though this happened over thirty years ago. He not only wants to destroy you, but he also wants to use this to destroy your children and your family. That’s why Jesus commands us to forgive everyone for anything. The anger, unforgiveness, fear, and pain of this sin will eat at you on the inside like a cancer. You’ve been carrying this for a lot of years. Would you like to be free of it?”

After she answers, I say, “You get free by caring about the heart of the person who violated you. Someone also hurt him, and the enemy is destroying him and using his festering hidden pain to hurt you. Now the enemy is trying to destroy you. The truth is Jesus died for the very sin this man so violently committed against you. Can you forgive this man and let it go? Can you ask God to take care of it? Can you ask God to love this man and seek him out and heal his heart? Forgiveness is when you care more about the person who hurt you than you do about holding on to the hidden pain and unforgiveness in your heart—even if it’s justified.”

Then, using some of the heart questions from Appendix G, I would begin to have her share her story again. This time, as she tells her story, I would ask heart questions about her feelings following deeper and deeper into her heart until she remembers and feels the fear, pain, and helplessness caused when she was raped. When people reach their heart at this time, they will almost always be crying. This is the sign that they are in their heart, not just in their head. At that point, you can try to lead them to forgiveness that can resolve their strongholds and allow them to find freedom through Jesus.

If she was ready to forgive, I would ask her to follow me in the forgiveness prayer. The reason I recite the prayer for her to repeat is that I want to do the thinking. I don’t want her to bounce out of her heart to think of the right words to say. I want her to stay in her heart long enough to forgive her offender from her heart and give the stronghold to Jesus for His control.

She may not be ready to forgive the offender. She might choose to hold on to her anger and hate, believing she has the right to hold this offense against him. I’m not talking about our justice system—offenders should be caught and punished. At this point in the journey into her heart, it is important to remember this is just between her and God for the timing of forgiveness. This woman is in control of her decisions and the condition of her heart. Fear will often prevent a victim like this from journeying from her head into her heart where true heart forgiveness happens.

If fear is the cause of her inability to forgive, I would have her ask God if she can give Him her pain so she can face the terrible sin done to her and forgive her abuser. If she has her husband or a friend with her, I could ask her if she could first give her pain and fear to that person. If she can do that, I would again ask her if she can try to forgive. I would have her ask Jesus if He died for her attacker. Does Jesus love him too and want her to forgive him?

I have journeyed with some people right up to this point only to have them refuse to forgive. I would then pray, Jesus, make the enemy go away that she might be able to hear you speak to her heart. Then I would again ask, “Do you think Jesus wants you to forgive this person?”

At this point, she will often answer, “Yes,” and forgive. Sometimes, though, a person will still refuse and hold tight to bitterness and unforgiveness. I might have her ask God to show her what her life will look like if she chooses not to forgive and how it will affect her and her family. However, no one has the right to make this choice for anyone else. It is between each person and God. God needs to work this out with each person in His own time.

If I were working with a couple instead of one person, I would have them face each other, hold hands, and look into each other’s eyes. I would invite them to relax and follow my lead. If they ever felt uncomfortable or if I asked them to say or do something that they didn’t want to do or say, I would encourage them not to do it or say it. I would give them the questions to repeat to each other. They just get to relax and feel. In this way, the husband or wife gets to journey into his spouse’s heart and care about them without having to worry about what to say.

Before going on to the “Courageous Hearts” section, I would like you to understand that the above counseling session is not a formula or recipe you can adopt and use without truly caring for a person with true Christlike love. To help others, you must express love to them in a way that they can feel it and are helped by it. Here, I’ve tried to share some of the ingredients needed to care for and help others. Christlike love that comes from His Holy Spirit living in us is like flour in a cookie recipe. You simply can’t make cookies without the main ingredient. If you say words, ask questions, or use your authority to control others without love, it will almost always be unsuccessful. Helping set people free is not something we can just do by ourselves. It is something that we receive from Jesus as He loves others through us. It isn’t about us doing it in our own strength.

Courageous Hearts: Chapter 8

God made each of us with a freewill and with the ability to make our own choices. It is very important to allow each family member to travel their Christian walk at their own pace. Everyone needs to make their own choices in their own time. God’s ways are so much different from ours. He alone can make something wonderful come out of a terrible situation caused by poor choices. We just need to believe that and trust Him with our lives and the lives of our loved ones.

We learned earlier in Genesis how Isaac and Rebecca showed favoritism between their sons, Jacob and Esau. Hatred and jealousy between the two brothers caused Jacob to flee to save his life. In the following generation, in Genesis 29-30, we see how Leah and Rachel jealously sought Jacob’s favor by having his children. Leah had five sons and Rachel none. Rachel gave Jacob her maidservant, and Jacob slept with Bilhah who bore him two more sons. Next, Leah’s maidservant, Zilpah, was given to Jacob to bear sons for Leah, and she gave birth to Gad and Asher. Later, Leah gave birth to two more sons and a daughter. Finally, God heard Rachel and opened her womb, and she gave birth to Joseph and Benjamin.

Let’s look at the next generation story of Joseph from Genesis 37-45. We’ll take a close look at his growth from a cocky seventeen-year-old to a man second in charge of all of Egypt. Let’s see how he cared about his brothers when he had great opportunity for revenge.

• Genesis 37:2-3: What generational sins are apparent?

• Genesis 37:4: What were the consequences of Jacob’s favoritism?

• Genesis 37:5-10: How would you describe Joseph’s character at age seventeen? What were the consequences of his character in verses 8 and 18?

• Genesis: 37:31-34: Do you think the brothers thought Jacob would love them better once Joseph was out of the way? Did he?

In the next several chapters, we read how Joseph is sold into slavery, falsely accused by Potiphar’s wife, and thrown into prison. However, Joseph never let his circumstances rule his life. Through each hardship, each lasting sometimes years, he remained faithful to God, and God blessed him. Joseph kept his focus on God in every situation. This is an amazing story of God’s faithfulness and a wonderful picture of Joseph caring about his brothers and his family despite the harm they had done to him.

• Chapter 44:33-34: What was Judah willing to do to save Benjamin and his father from greater sorrow?

We often focus on the here and now in our daily lives. As a result, we often don’t see the big picture God has for us. When our daily lives don’t turn out the way we want, God often gets blamed. Our focus is on our problems and trials, not on God’s plan for us.

Joseph could have focused on his brothers’ hate and abuse toward him. As second in command of Egypt, he was in a perfect place to seek revenge. He had every authority to kill his brothers as spies and easily could have justified it to himself.

Joseph chose to look past the dots (present problems and past pain) in his life and kept his focus on God. In Genesis 45:4-5, we read, “Then Joseph said to his brothers, ‘Come close to me.’ When they had done so, he said, ‘I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.” In verse 8, it continues, “So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God.” Joseph recognized God’s bigger plan for his life.

“Then he threw his arms around his brother Benjamin and wept, and Benjamin embraced him, weeping. And he kissed all his brothers and wept over them” (Gen. 45:14-15). Joseph was able to react to his brothers in love. He provided for them, met their needs, forgave them, and loved them. He cared more about them and what God wanted than for his rights for revenge and judgment. He walked closely with God, and God blessed him—he understood God’s purpose for his life.

• Genesis 45:4-7: Was Joseph’s focus on his long-awaited opportunity for revenge or was his focus on the bigger picture—God’s purpose?

• What are you facing right now that is difficult or emotionally painful?

• Do you think God can use that in your life for His purposes?

• Joseph trusted God in all his circumstances. Can you trust God in your circumstances? Can you look past an opportunity to take revenge? Do you feel like you should continue to justify your lack of forgiveness or will you see the bigger picture of God’s purpose for your life and choose to forgive?

• Do you allow your circumstances to overwhelm you, clouding and diminishing your trust in God? What prevents you from keeping your focus on God and trusting in His purposes for you?

• When you are faced with painful memories or current difficulties, do you sometimes react in an ungodly manner? Why?

Strongholds trigger flesh patterns—each flesh pattern is sin and does not reflect God’s character. The action or the evidence brought about by our flesh is often the opposite of God’s character.

Power comes either from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit or from the sin in us—one or the other (Rom. 6:11-14). We need to take a close look at evidence in our life to determine where our power is coming from. What is the fruit of your life?

Circle any words in the next several paragraphs that are evident in your life. For example, seven years ago, I had rare moments of being gentle, but I would not have circled “gentle” because it wasn’t very evident in my life. For characteristics that were opposite of God’s, such as insensitive, I would have circled it because it was evident in my life. I wasn’t insensitive all the time, but because I didn’t want that characteristic in my life at all, I would have circled it. As you read the following paragraphs, make them personal and circle the words that are evident in your life:

If the Holy Spirit fills my heart, I receive power through His love and become confident and secure. The fruits of His Spirit (evidence that the Spirit reigns in my heart and life) are these: I am gentle. I am content. I am caring and compassionate. I am thankful and tenderhearted. I am a servant and am willing to share with others. I am patient, kind, humble, and gracious. Forgiveness flows from me easily and quickly. I find myself being friendly, faithful, and encouraging. I am able to honor others and hardly even notice when they love incorrectly. I maintain a nonjudgmental attitude toward others and accept them as they are. I experience self-control and peace. I am righteous because of who Christ is in me. I desire a pure heart and extend mercy to others. I display honesty in my daily life, and the Bible says I am radiant. I am filled with joy. I have peace even in the face of death. Most of all, I am able to understand love. I can love others, and I can receive their love. Others feel loved by me. When someone is unkind to me, loves me incorrectly, or rejects me out of their anger, I can turn the other cheek and continue to love and care about that person. My desire and passion is to love others and reveal a loving God to the world through the actions in my life. I am willing to humble myself and be open, honest, and completely vulnerable to achieve that.

This is far from a complete list, but it does emulate Jesus. These characteristics come from a heart that is filled with the Holy Spirit.

We as Christians can also be influenced by the power of sin that is in us—sins represented by the rocks in our canning jar. They are the strongholds in our heart, our hidden pains. Each rock takes up space in the jar where water cannot fill that space. It is the same in our heart. The Holy Spirit can only fill the areas of our heart where we allow Him access. If we hide the hurt and sin in our heart, we prevent the Holy Spirit from having control and access to those areas of our heart—we can be deceived by them. Then some of the following fruits will be evident in our lives. Make these personal also by circling the words that you experience in your life.

I feel stressed, pressured, fearful, angry, anxious, and jealous. I can gossip and slander without realizing it. I am unforgiving, mean-spirited, hard, and unsympathetic. I am dishonest, hard-hearted, selfish, or self-centered. I have little desire or passion to read God’s Word. I’m ungrateful, wicked, and seek out sin. I’m boastful, proud, or judgmental. I lack self-control and am disrespectful, unhappy, and negative. I have high expectations of others. I can be critical, confused, bossy, depressed, discontented, and inconsiderate. I need to cast blame on others. I worry all the time. I keep a long list of wrongs done to me. I feel pleasure when others have a difficult time or when they are punished. I’m involved in criminal activity, moral failure, drugs, and self-destructive habits. I have eating disorders. I have a rebellious attitude or an attitude of self-assurance. My life is driven by a lot of goals. I am driven to achieve and stay busy. I constantly am seeking entertainment or experience a life of procrastination and laziness. I’m set in my ways, I’m stubborn, I expect others to obey me, and I am not a good listener. Sometimes, I appear arrogant and independent. I don’t like to think about the needs of others or how I can help them. I don’t like to ask for help. I demand and expect respect, and I am quick to tell others how to fix their lives but don’t check my own heart because I’m right and don’t need fixing. I get upset when things go wrong and when I don’t get my own way. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I would like to have or buy. I spend money on things I don’t need.

Again, this is an incomplete list.

Seven years ago, as a mature Christian, almost all of the characteristics I had circled were from the fruits of the enemy and from my own flesh. Because of that, my family felt unloved and unimportant. Now my family feels loved and is experiencing the evidence of the fruits of the Spirit in my life. Don’t be discouraged if you have a lot of evidence from the enemy’s list. In a way, that’s actually good because now you know there are problems—there are things hidden in your heart that are the roots of those problems, and now you and Jesus can go after them and get free of them. You are much closer to freedom in Christ than the person who looks good at church but is deceived by the enemy and blinded by his own pride.

I remember asking my sons the following question just six weeks after the first family camp: “At camp, I was about 2 percent gentle. From 0 to 100 percent, how gentle am I now?”

I prayed silently, Please God, let them say 30 percent so at least so I can be encouraged.

Adam answered, “90 percent.” Dan said, “Yeah, about 95 percent.” It was a memorable moment—you will never fully understand what a miracle moment that was for me. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about allowing the Holy Spirit into areas of my heart that I had long ago locked up and hidden. As the love of God filled my heart to overflowing, it overflowed to my children. God loved them through me, and they felt loved because of Jesus’s love in me. The power of His love changed me and is still changing me, and my family feels the difference.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you” (Phil. 4:7-9).