Chapter 6

Seek and You Shall Find

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you” (Matt. 7:7).

In January, four months after family camp, Steve and I found ourselves in Drew’s office for counseling. We told him we were there because we wanted to help our children. We were worried about Daniel’s word picture of being trapped in a small concrete room with no doors or windows and a chain wrapped around his body and face.

We thought we would talk to Drew for a short time and then give the rest of the week to the boys for counseling and help. Both had received permission to miss school all that week. Once again, I thought we were on the right track, but the boys needed counseling help.

A few months before, I had been distracted by the “feeling good” stage and was getting off track. Now, in this new stage, I was taking my focus off my own healing and beginning to pressure the rest of my family to get help. I had experienced so many wonderful changes that I believed God was finished cleaning out my heart. It was time for my family to experience the same. However, God was not done with me. I especially needed to be on the lookout for the enemy’s lies and deceptions that directed my focus away from my own heart. The lesson is—always listen to God and guard your own heart.

After Drew made us comfortable and feeling safe, we talked about our parents and what it was like growing up as young children in our families. Drew wrote as we talked, and later, he showed us the words we had used describing our parents’ characters and personalities. Some of these same words described us: control, anger, hypocrisy, dominant female, etc.

He reminded us again that our parents didn’t know how to love each other perfectly any more than they knew how to love us. He explained that because of our parents and their parents before them, we also had distorted views of what love is.

Steve grew up with “better” parents. He knew what love was and what it looked like, yet still had some distorted views and his own set of problems to resolve. I still often found it difficult to understand what Drew explained about love and control until Steve explained it again.

Drew said we just needed to relax and be honest. So I told Steve, “You can be honest with me.” This sounded good to me, but Steve felt controlled and dominated by me by that very statement! He felt like I was giving him permission to be honest—that I was trying to control his emotions.

Steve and I locked horns within minutes. I remember thinking, We can argue about this for the whole week and learn nothing except who is the better arguer (which I was) or I can let God help me understand how my husband feels. Inside my head, I prayed, I need help here! I feel like they’re against me, and I don’t even know what the heck they’re talking about! God heard me and answered my prayer. He wanted me to understand. He helped me and met me right there. I felt no more desire to argue or defend myself, and so I asked Steve to help me understand when he felt controlled by me so I could see it.

Drew had given us an assignment to write down everything we could remember that hurt us as a child and as an adult. On a paper, he had us draw two lines vertically and fill in the three columns like this:

We were to keep drawing horizontal lines and write about each offense we remembered.

Steve and I came to Drew’s office with our lists. Mine was five pages long with over forty issues written down. I had written them down as fast as I could, without thinking about each one. Steve’s list was considerably shorter.

Drew began with my list. He said that when I was ready, I could take each one to the Lord in whatever order I chose. He had Steve and I face each other in our chairs and hold hands.

While writing this section, I had writer’s block! I thought writing this book would be a challenge for me but knew all along that when I came to this part, it would be one of the easiest parts of the book. All I had to do was list all of my issues and how they made me feel. I would tell how I brought each one to the Lord for healing and how lives were miraculously changed. I had listed forty-seven issues years ago and added about twenty-five more since, but I could only remember about five or six from the original list. I was so stunned. My heart had been so transformed through the years that I actually had writer’s block. I had so forgiven others and been healed that I had to struggle to remember painful stuff from my past. I wasn’t filled with bitterness and unforgiveness any longer. I was blown away by how God had so healed and transformed my heart.

In Drew’s office, I began at the top of my list:

Item 1

“When I was a little girl my dad would play cards with us. He taught us to play poker, double solitaire, and other card games. I remember that . . .”

I’m in real trouble here. I’m supposed to be writing about all my pain and how I got free of it, and I can’t remember any of it. Instead, I am flooded with good memories. I’m so overwhelmed with joy that I can’t even see the computer screen. Jesus not only took away all my pain but replaced it with joy and peace and happy memories.

For so many years, I didn’t have one single happy memory of my childhood. As I sit typing at my computer, we are entering the Christmas season—what a special unexpected Christmas gift from Jesus! My dad was so much fun on Christmas. He was like a little kid; he would buy us pickup sticks, jacks, puzzles, and dominoes, and we would just play games all day with him. Holidays were wonderful with him, and I find myself missing him very much.

As I look back, I realized that my dad had stopped growing emotionally at eight when he began working for a living. He left home at ten. In many ways, my dad was emotionally stuck at eight.

“Once as adults, we were playing cards. I was winning, and he got so frustrated that he threw his cards in my face and yelled at me. I was embarrassed and hurt that he would treat me that way in front of my sister and my children. At the time, I felt very unloved and rejected by him. I never knew how to act around my father. I never knew what would cause him to become angry.”

“That same afternoon, he passed my sister a $50 bill right in front of me and said to her, ‘Just want you to know I love you.’”

In the counseling office, Drew encouraged Steve to ask me, “How did that make you feel?” He had Steve ask other probing heart questions until my answers mingled with tears (see other heart questions listed in Appendix G).

I cried, “I felt unloved, rejected, confused. I didn’t know what I could do to make him proud of me and love me. I just wanted my dad to love me, too.”

Steve asked, “Could you find it in your heart to forgive your dad for doing that?”

“Yes.”

Steve led me in the forgiveness prayer (see Appendix F). I acknowledged what my dad did and how it made me feel. I forgave my dad for throwing cards in my face, but more importantly, I let Jesus take back that stronghold from the enemy and I chose to give Jesus that part of my heart for His control. I asked Jesus to fill my heart with His peace and love. Then I asked Him to forgive me for holding this against my dad.

Steve led me again in prayer as I chose to forgive my dad for showing favoritism. I told God how much it hurt to feel like I never measured up with my father. I forgave my dad for making me feel like I was never good enough and for making me feel hopeless (something I felt often in my Christian walk). Even though my father had died four years before God began healing my heart, God still wanted me to forgive him. I feel like I understand my father better now after his death than I ever did while he was alive.

Item 2

From the time, I became a Christian, I wanted to be in the ministry and serve Christ. I attended a Bible college in Northern California. For two years, I worked full-time to pay for college and studied hard. I made good grades, made friends, and dated very little. When the third year started, I decided to have more fun. Most of my friends were guys. I loved to throw baseballs and footballs with them. I got more involved in school events. I even became a head cheerleader. I don’t know how that happened since I wasn’t very good.

I was also the manager at the local Dairy Queen. For the first time, I made enough money to pay bills and eat on Sundays. Each evening when I arrived late at the campus dining hall, my three best friends (boys) would be sitting at a table with an empty chair waiting for me. It felt so good that they were waiting for me. For the first time in three years, school and finances weren’t a struggle—I was finally having fun. My three friends were popular and highly sought after by girls. I was naïve and didn’t understand how destructive jealousy could be in young Christian women.

Just before Christmas, I was called into the college president’s office. In short order, he told me that I had stolen furniture from the college and that I had had a hysterectomy and couldn’t have children and therefore I was breaking up couples to prove my femininity. Then he lowered the sledgehammer. He said I was having affairs both on and off campus.

You can imagine my devastation. Every past hurt of being judged, kicked out, and falsely accused rushed through me. My throat filled with a knot, and my mind shut down. All the past hurtful events compounded my pain. I couldn’t even think the pain was so intense.

I denied all the accusations and simply said, “None of them are true. Not a single one.” But the enemy knew how to destroy me. In the same way as throughout my childhood, no one would listen to me. From nothing more than hearsay gossip, the president judged me, found me not good enough, and rejected me. He said I needed to either get sex counseling or leave school by that Friday.

I never did anything. It never occurred to me to ask if the “on campus” boys were getting kicked out also. It never occurred to me to ask that my accuser be brought forward and accuse me to my face in public. I didn’t need sex counseling—I had only kissed boys up to that time in my life. I left school three days later crushed, broken, and defeated.

I was utterly devastated when I left school. I had really felt a calling to the ministry, so I felt like God had somehow let me down. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for God. For the next thirty years, I would labor in churches trying to get God’s attention and earn His approval—to feel like God loved me and was pleased with me (but God doesn’t want us to try harder or work harder—He just wants our hearts).

I was severely hurt and damaged from the lies told by the girl at college. I was always scared to death to share anything with a female. I would feel pain in my chest whenever I talked to a lady. Even light talk at a grocery store could send me home with severe chest pains. I would be stressed to the max that I might have said something that she could use against me. I didn’t have a female friend for sixteen years.

Steve asked me if I could forgive the girl who lied about me at college and caused me to be kicked out of school.

I knew that for each offense on my list, I needed to care more about the person than I cared about my right to get even or hold a grudge or keep a death grip on my pain and hurt.

I remembered the name of the young lady who I was pretty sure lied about me, so I named her in my prayer and really forgave her from my heart with the help of the forgiveness prayer.

Item 3

Early in our marriage, Steve and I had two baby boys in about twelve months. From my first marriage, I also had an eleven-year-old son with mild cerebral palsy who was having a tough time in fifth grade. When you add to this a dysfunctional Sherilyn (and a ruptured solar heating system that dumped hundreds of gallons of water in our attic, caving in our entire second-story ceiling), I guess you could conclude that our life at that time was challenging.

It was during this time that we asked to be included in a certain Bible study with friends at church. At first, they said it was full. I asked if they had a waiting list, and the answer was no. I asked if they could start a waiting list—we really needed and wanted to fellowship with them.

Two months later, I called again. This time, they said they just added four new couples, and we couldn’t possibly be added to the group. I called one of the men in the group and said, “I want the truth. What is going on?”

His answer was, “Well, we took a vote and all nine couples don’t want you in the group. They like Steve OK, but they don’t want to get together with you each week. They think you’ll want us to study something different, or at a different time, or on a different day.”

I was so crushed. These were people we cared about. I asked him, “When had I ever done any of those things?” He was not able to give me any example. He said it was just the way everyone felt.

I told him that I hope the day would never come that some stinking, dirty, bum off the street wouldn’t be welcome in my home to study God’s Word.

I hung up the phone and cried. Weeks later, I was still crying (later, in “Reflections” in this chapter, you will see how my own flesh patterns, triggered from my past hurts, actually caused me to set myself up for this rejection. It was not just these people’s fault). Once again, I was devastated by rejection from church friends. We asked the church board for advice on how to resolve this. Their advice hurt just as much. We were told we should think about attending a different church. For me, it was just another rejection.

In Drew’s office, Steve and I brought this group of people to Jesus through prayer. I was able to forgive them from my heart.

Though I can’t remember most of the issues I had on my list, I do remember that most of them dealt with being falsely accused, judged, rejected, and kicked out. It was a repetitive and very painful pattern in my life.

As I was going through my list there in the office, I began to notice that each time I came to something my mother had done, I would skip over it. Eventually, the only items remaining on my list were related to my mother.

I started with the one that hurt the least.

Item 4

Once we were at one of Mom’s friend’s houses, and I came into the house for a drink of water. I overheard my mom saying, “I just can’t stand Sheri. I wish she could be more like your girls.” I quietly snuck back outside and sat under a tree until we went home. I don’t remember crying about it. I think that my heart was already pretty closed up by that time. It hurt too much to feel, so I just didn’t go there. I would either remind myself that I was my own best friend and I didn’t need anyone or I would get bitter and angry inside and hate my offender. I was becoming very good at hating.

While looking into my eyes, Steve asked, “How did that make you feel, when your mother said she couldn’t stand you?”

“I felt unloved and embarrassed. I hated her. I was angry. I wondered what was wrong with me that no one could love me. My feelings broke to the surface, and I cried out, ‘Why couldn’t my mother like me? My friend’s mother liked me.’”

Back at family camp, I had forgiven my mother for everything, but now I needed to forgive her specifically for each individual thing she had done to me. Satan was influencing me through each stronghold I had developed from the pain my mother caused. I needed to identify each of these strongholds and allow Jesus the opportunity to take back each stronghold from the enemy, one by one.

To myself, I thought, I wanted my mom to like me and love me the way Beth loved her girls. Why couldn’t my mom just see the good in me and talk about that? But I knew the answer—Mom didn’t know how to get free of her own expectations and disappointments. She didn’t know how to be content and happy. She didn’t know how to look for the good, because in her heart and mind, everything was confused and distorted from her own pain and strongholds. The enemy had convinced her that everyone else was at fault and not her. She couldn’t be kind, gentle, and loving because she simply didn’t know how.

Again, Steve led me in the prayer. Once again, I gave Jesus one more area of my heart and asked Him to be Lord over it. Jesus took back the stronghold and filled that area with His Holy Spirit. Letting go of bitterness and anger is always so freeing—“More of Jesus and less of me.”

Money was the next item on my list.

Item 5

When I was eight years old (eight was not a very good year for me), I got a Brownie camera for Christmas. I needed film, and I took three fifty-cent pieces from my father’s top drawer to buy film and flash bulbs. I took pictures of my little brother taking a bubble bath. He was less than a year old and so cute.

Several days later, my father lined all three of us girls up and asked who took the coins. I was so afraid of him. I was afraid to speak up. Before I could get up the courage to tell him, he began spanking my oldest sister, Judy. Then I couldn’t confess because she would hate me. My father was heavy-handed with the belt. He spanked all three of us. Then he said, “Whoever took that money will feel very bad about it in a day or so. If you will come and talk to me, no one else will get spanked. I will work something out so you can pay me back.” Then he said, “I won’t tell anyone it was you. It will be our secret.”

Sure enough, I felt so bad I could hardly stand it. His deal sounded pretty good to me, and I was worried Wanda and Judy would get spanked again if I didn’t go tell. I approached my dad, and miracle of miracles, he dealt with me fairly, just like he had said.

The very next day, I was walking home from school and found a quarter leaning against a fire hydrant. I was so excited that I came right home and showed Mom. Without any warning, she grabbed me by the ear and hauled me over to the telephone and called my teacher. I stood there and listened as she told my teacher I was a thief and a liar. She said, “If Sheri would steal from her own father, she will steal from anybody.” She asked my teacher to check her purse to see if I stole the quarter from her. I was sobbing at the time. My mother wouldn’t listen to me. I was sent to bed immediately. I cried my eyes out at my father’s betrayal, and I hated my mother for telling my teacher that I was a thief. Now my sisters knew it was me. I felt that everyone had lied and that no one would listen and no one cared about me.

Most eight-year-olds aren’t very smart, and I was no exception. That same week, I went to my best friend’s house. I didn’t go into the house because her mother was picking strawberries in the backyard, and I volunteered to help. My friend’s mother praised me, and I worked extra hard to please her. I had blue eyes and beautiful curly red hair. Other people would tell me how sweet and special I was. I couldn’t understand why my mother always seemed to hate me and didn’t trust me. As luck would have it, as I was picking the strawberries, I found a fifty-cent piece. I offered to give it to my friend’s mother, but she said I deserved to keep it.

That evening, I ran home and showed off my fifty-cent piece. Once again, my mother got very angry. I think she spanked me herself that night. I’m not sure as I blocked a lot of this out. She called my friend’s mom and accused me of stealing from her since I had stolen from both my father and my teacher. I couldn’t hear what was said on the other end of the line, but my mother got very angry with her and wouldn’t listen to the facts. Her response was, “If she didn’t steal from you, then it was from someone else!” I was never allowed to go to my friend’s house again. It hurt so much that my mother would ruin my best friendship.

From then on, I hated my mother and father. For years, Mom referred to me as the thief and told anyone who would listen that I couldn’t be trusted.

While sharing this with Steve, I began to feel the pain and heartache. Like the person in “The Accident,” I could feel myself emotionally being pulled to a time of hurt and pain long ago. I shared with Steve what I remembered feeling in my heart. Following my emotions, I explained, “I felt wrongfully accused, betrayed, embarrassed, and lied to. I felt hated by my mother, rejected, and humiliated. I felt unloved and unimportant. I felt hopeless and lonely. I felt like no one would listen and there was no way to correct the wrong. No one was on my side. No one stood up for me. No one would ever believe me because of my mother’s negative influence. She ruined my friendships.”

While still in my heart, I went through the forgiveness prayer and forgave my mom. I let go of the pain and let God heal my heart. I asked God to fill that portion of my heart with His love and acceptance—to fill it with His truth and the truth of how He really views me as His friend.

Item 6

My mother broke promises whenever it was convenient for her. She loved to make money and she bred dogs and sold the puppies. When I was fifteen, I bought a little Chihuahua and named her Tikki. For the first time, I had my own pet that loved me, and I loved her. It seemed like she was never more than three inches away from me. I took her everywhere.

When I was seventeen, we discovered she had a tumor and needed surgery. My mother agreed to pay the $35 for the surgery if I would let her have Tikki’s puppies to sell when she had a litter. She agreed that Tikki was still my dog, and she promised she would never sell her.

Tikki had her surgery, but the result was that she could never have puppies. Four weeks later, I went to junior high church camp to be a junior counselor, and while I was gone, my mother sold my dog. I was heartbroken.

I had never forgiven my mother for selling my dog. I just hated her all the more. When she would yell at me, I would stick my tongue out at her behind my teeth and think, You hate me, and I don’t care! I hate you! I am my own best friend. I must have done that five hundred times while growing up. It looked like I was listening, but I was sticking my tongue out at her. I stepped on every crack in the sidewalk for years because the poem promised it would break my mother’s back. I never thought in a million years that I would ever want to willingly forgive my mom for anything.

But this day, I heard Steve again ask me, “Do you think you could forgive your mom?” I remembered that I never deserved the forgiveness Jesus gave to me, and I said, “Yes.” Yes, she was guilty and didn’t deserve to be forgiven, but I knew from experience how wonderful it was to just care about my mother’s heart and let all the anger and bitterness go. I wanted to let go of my right to hold on to my rage toward her and always proclaim her faults to everyone around me.

We prayed and I asked God to fill that portion of my heart with love and trust. I wanted to be able to trust people again.

For each previous issue, Steve and I looked into each other’s eyes while we asked questions and answered each other. Another three-hour session in Drew’s office was about up, and we had gone through most of my issues. Drew was teaching Steve how to care about my heart. I just had one more issue to go.

Item 7

Steve read my last item: “Knife to my throat.”

He knew I dreaded this one as he looked at me. The fact that I had skipped over it about forty times was a good clue.

For thirteen years, I had blocked it out of my memory. For the next nineteen years of my life, I made jokes about it. Now they are expecting me to be honest and deal with this? I don’t think so.

Looking into my eyes, Steve asked, “How did that make you feel when your mom held the knife to your throat?”

Quickly, I broke eye contact and looked straight at the wall. I was gone! I was out of there! I was still sitting in the same chair holding my husband’s hands, but mentally and emotionally, I left. No way was I going to deal with this pain honestly. It was too great. Tears were flowing from my eyes, and Steve moved closer to hold me.

Drew prompted Steve to ask me, “Where did you go?”

They told me later that I answered with a voice of a two-year-old, “I’m hiding.”

Steve: Where?

Sherilyn: In the closet. (I still would not look at him.)

Steve: Is Jesus in there with you? Will you close your eyes and ask out loud, “Jesus, are you in here?”

Sherilyn: Jesus, are you in here with me? (In my mind, I could see Him sitting in the corner, and I saw myself as a two-year-old crawling up on His lap.)

Steve: Is Jesus in there with you?

Sherilyn: Yes. (I was crying.)

Steve: Why are you in the closet?

Sherilyn: Because it’s safe in here, and no one can find me.

Steve (beginning to cry himself): I’ll wait outside the closet until you’re ready to come out.

Sherilyn: (I was angry and began to sob loudly.) I’m not coming out! I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone to love me enough to come in after me.

Steve: I’m coming in!

Sherilyn: I’m running!

It was like we were twenty-five feet from each other, and I rushed to him. In my mind, I was still just a little girl, and I jumped up to him. He picked me up and held me, and I wrapped my legs around his waist and held on to his neck for dear life. In that moment, I felt loved and cared for. The counselor left the room and gave us time to heart-connect. This was really the first time in our entire marriage I had ever really heart-connected emotionally with Steve.

When Drew returned a few minutes later, he prompted Steve to ask me, “Could you give me your pain and fear from your mom holding the knife to your throat?”

Still fighting back, I first thought, Can’t he just give it up? Why do I have to deal with this?

I broke eye contact with Steve and looked at Drew. “Can I just give him my pain and fear? How do I do that? Will it hurt him?”

Steve answered, “Just let me have it. It won’t hurt me.”

I was scared and still crying, but was able to finally and willfully just let it go and give it to him.

Then Steve asked, “Can you tell me about the fight with your mom?”

I began wiping away my tears as I said, “I was really hurt when my first boyfriend dropped me off at home after our last date. I didn’t understand what I had done to make him break up with me without talking to me or letting me know we were breaking up. He had told other girls at the church rally, but he never spoke to me about it.”

“My mom started accusing me of being a slut. I just blew up and yelled back at her. I was sick of her accusations, and for the first time, I screamed back. We were both screaming, and she grabbed me and pulled me up against her chest and held a knife to my throat. I could feel the knife shaking against my throat.”

Steve: Was Jesus there with you?

Sherilyn: I don’t know.

Steve: Would you ask him?

Sherilyn (praying out loud): Jesus, would you show me in a word picture, a memory verse, a song, or a thought if you were there. (I closed my eyes and waited.)

For the first time in over thirty years, I saw the kitchen again in my mind. Jesus was standing next to the counter in front of us. As soon as my mother picked up the knife, He was instantly behind my mother. His left arm was wrapped around both of us and His right hand was holding my mother’s hand that was holding the knife.

In that instant, all my anger melted away. Instead of being consumed with fear, I was flooded with joy. My Jesus was there in my darkest moment. No one could have hurt me unless He allowed it. He not only protected me, but He also protected my mother at the same time. He loved us both. Steve and I prayed to forgive my mother, and I let Jesus take control of the stronghold. I asked Him to fill my heart with peace and His security. I asked Him to forgive me for hating my mother for so many years.

Our counseling session was over for the day. Before leaving, Drew gave us an assignment for that night. Our assignment was, when we went to bed that night, to hold each other in a nonsexual way. He was to hold me for five to ten minutes, and then I got to hold him for five to ten minutes. Either person could go first, and then we were to switch. We committed to do this each morning and each night for the next thirty days. We have practiced it many, many times since.

Steve started that evening saying, “Could I hold you for five minutes or so and just let you feel how much I love you?” Drew had taught us that the person being held doesn’t need to do anything or say anything—just relax, feel, and enjoy. I moved over and cuddled and got comfortable. I tried to relax, feel, and enjoy Steve holding me.

Steve held me and began with one sentence of affirmation. “You’re never going to be alone again. I want to be there for you.” Then he didn’t say anything for two to three minutes. He simply tried to express his love by touching my face, gently pulling my hair, and rubbing my back. He made every effort through thoughts and touch to help me feel his love. Sometime in the middle of his turn, he said one more affirming statement like “You are so important to me.” After another minute or so, he said, “I am committed to you. I love you.”

Next, we switched roles and I got to hold him and repeat the process.

Over the years, times like this became very special to us. If I knew he was struggling at work and under pressure, I might say, “Can I hold you for five minutes?” We also say that to signal a switch of who is holding the other. After that, there are no more questions. “I love you just the way you are.” Silence for about three minutes while lovingly touching and holding. “I don’t want you to ever feel you have to earn my love.” After another minute or so, I say, “I’m glad we are committed to one another. It’s you and me against the world.”

There were a couple of rules. The person who is being held is not supposed to talk at all. He or she is supposed to just relax, feel, and enjoy being loved by the other person.

Getting comfortable sounds easy, but everyone I’ve talked to says, “It is amazing how difficult it is to get comfortable enough to relax.” It is true, but once you have practiced this awhile, it only takes a few seconds to get settled into a comfortable position.

Sometimes, I would hold Steve only a couple of minutes, and then he would hold me. It is kind of like refilling someone’s emotional bucket. Sometimes, holding the other person will leave you drained, and they will need to hold you again. There are no set rules. It is amazing how God uses this time to help us care about each other’s hearts. I hesitate to use the word “magical,” but it is almost magical. I think it’s as close as it gets to the perfection of loving like Christ, totally and unconditionally.

Steve and I started doing this the first night of our week at counseling. We were relaxed, and we talked and talked. A few nights that week, we were up all night talking. He said it was like watching me grow up that week from two years old to eighteen. Each night that week, Steve and I held each other and learned the importance of talking to each other’s hearts.

I originally thought our boys were going to take up the whole week of counseling, but we learned that if we were going to help our sons, we needed to help ourselves first. Then, all we needed to do after that was love our boys. They didn’t need counseling help; they didn’t need stuff and activities; they needed our love. Steve and I were the ones who needed help. We needed to love each other until that love just spilled over onto our sons.

It took most of the week to get through all my issues, and only one short session was devoted toward Steve’s. I wish more time could have been given for him. Steve and I heart-connected because he could reach out to my needs and love me, but it was another two years before Steve finally let me help him bring his strongholds to Jesus. I worried and thought a lot about it during those two years and often asked God to help me understand why Steve was taking so long. In many ways, it was a slow process, and yet sometimes, some changes occurred quickly. All of it was in God’s timing, however—we couldn’t rush Him. In order to write this book, we had to learn and experience everything in God’s time and let Him work out His will in our lives. This book was written to help your own journey be less of a struggle than ours and perhaps not so scary.

On Friday, we returned to Drew’s office with our two sons, fourteen and fifteen at the time. They talked to Drew for just a few minutes, and then our counseling time was done.

That night, we stayed at a hotel with the boys. I crawled on the bed with one of them and just held him. I said, “I would like to show you what Dad and I learned this week. Could you just relax and let me show you how much I love you? You don’t have to do anything. Just relax and see if you can feel loved by me.” I held him and ran my fingers through his hair. I rubbed his back and tickled his back and arms. My sentences of affirmation were something like, “You aren’t alone anymore. I want to be on your team and listen to you.” Then I went back to touching again. I tried to keep 100 percent of my heart, mind, and will focused on my son. I prayed and asked God to help me love him better and to help him feel loved by me right then. I ended with “I love you.”

He loved it! From zero to ten, he loved it at ninety-nine! Steve and I and the boys had never before experienced anything even remotely close to this feeling of being cared for. It was and still is such an incredible, wonderful, and safe place to go.

Next, I held my other son and did the same. His reaction was ninety-nine, too! He absolutely felt my love and craved it. Both of them have given me permission to say anything about them that I want to in this book.

My sons were in the ninth and tenth grade at this time and fourteen and fifteen years old. There were very few nights during their days of high school that they didn’t ask me to tuck them in. No matter what I was doing, if they asked me to tuck them in, I did it willingly, and they loved it.

During Dan’s senior year, a foreign-exchange student came for lunch who had found himself without a host home. He moved in the next day, and a three-week stay turned into nine months. I wondered if our boys would still ask to be tucked in with a high school peer living with us, but it never fazed them one bit.

It became a habit for them to say, “Good night, Mom and Dad. Are you going to tuck me in, Mom?” There were some nights I was already in bed and half asleep when they came in to say good night. I made a commitment to myself that if they asked, I would tuck them in no matter what I was doing. Those were incredible moments of heart-connecting with my sons and letting them share their hearts with me. After I held them for the ten to fifteen minutes (they liked to stretch it out), we would often talk for thirty to forty minutes. I can only count a few nights during those years that I didn’t tuck them in.

No matter how old the child, teen, husband, or wife, it is wonderful to be held and feel loved and safe; it fulfills a need that each of us are born with—the need to be loved.

Reflections: Chapter 6

The more complicated our lives become from relationships, business, and things, the more difficult it is for most people to know how to relax. The result is a confused and distorted view of love. They lack experience to recognize what love really looks and feels like.

When we create a nonconfrontational environment by holding someone, we help them finally relax and let their guard down. They don’t need to defend or guard themselves or build walls of protection. In this relaxed state, they can really experience what love feels like—when someone loves them and expects nothing in return. That is unconditional love.

I would like to challenge you to hold your spouse and ask them to relax while you try to show them, through touch, just how much you love them. Remind them that they are not required to do anything except relax, feel, and enjoy. They should just be silent during the time they are held. It’s a brief taste of what life will be like when our hearts are clean and we experience an abundant life with Christ. It’s a time to feel pure love.

In the beginning, Steve and I committed to practice this caring-and-holding technique each morning and night for thirty days. Most days, we were successful, but sometimes, schedules didn’t permit twice a day. It wasn’t the schedule that was important—it was important to learn and experience a new depth of caring and communication in this relaxed state and safe setting. Even though it was a little uncomfortable and difficult to relax at first, everything soon began to click, and we were amazed at the result.

Gradually, this depth of caring and communicating became an integral part of our daily life instead of something we experienced just at night. As we experienced emotional intimacy throughout the day, we found less and less need to seek it out in this special way each evening. However, we still occasionally have special needs that cause us to return to this safe, loving environment where we hold each other this way.

Relaxing, enjoying peace, forgiving, and caring about another person’s heart are all ways to emulate Christ and His loving character. “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making His appeal through us” (2 Cor. 5:20). As children of God, we are His ambassadors. The question we need to ask ourselves is this: Are we good ambassadors to our loved ones and strangers or are we doing a poor job of representing God’s love, grace, and mercy?

We can reveal God’s love to others if we love them the way Christ loves us. We can only demonstrate the peace of God if we have experienced His peace. God’s mercy, grace, patience, understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance can be revealed through us only as we live out our lives in Christ and Christ in us.

The more we ferret out each past hidden pain and stronghold and ask Jesus to take it back from the enemy’s control, the more we will be able to reflect God’s true character. We cannot be like Christ, love like Christ, or show Christ’s true character to the world if we rely on our own efforts to accomplish those things, independently from God.

2 Corinthians 3:18 says, “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” It is a lifelong process.

We express the opposite of God’s character in our lives when the enemy uses the strongholds in our hearts to hurt, confuse, and defeat us. These strongholds trigger flesh patterns in us, causing us to act ungodly. If our ungodliness is obvious, like yelling, it will be revealed immediately. If it is hidden, like with attitude or control issues, it will be revealed in time as relationships are affected. If we, as Christians, act hateful and unloving, then we are not reflecting the character of Christ, and we need to ask ourselves, “What’s with that?”

1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” I have learned to take this scripture seriously and personally. I like to imagine that a roaring lion is seeking to devour me. However, because of my commitment to let Jesus fight the enemy for me, I allow Jesus to immediately take control of each stronghold I find. Each time Jesus takes it back, I picture that lion with one more tooth knocked out. After seven years, my lion is pretty toothless. Jesus has knocked all his teeth out for me. His roar is now worse than his bite. I am wise to him and no longer fear him. Earlier in my healing process, when I thought God was finished healing my heart, I got depressed and very discouraged when I discovered one more repetitive sin in my life. The enemy wanted to distract me and make me feel like a failure, and I would spiral down. If and when you feel the same way, pray out loud, “Jesus, make the enemy go away. Will you speak your truth to me?”

Sometimes, when I was counseling others, I noticed that some people chose to ignore a repetitive sinful action or reaction. They simply refused to acknowledge it or bring it to Jesus for healing or freedom. They chose to continue in their accustomed life patterns.

You get to choose. You can ignore your repetitive flesh patterns, get depressed about them, or partner with Jesus and run with Him to the battle line. No one else can make these choices for you—they are yours alone to make.

Now, whenever I discover another problem in my heart, I just get excited and I think, Thank you, God, for showing me one more area of my heart that I get to give to you for your control. I can’t wait to see the new changes in me. Sometimes, that excitement only comes after a misunderstanding or argument and the corresponding gut-wrenching hurt, and also after praying and refocusing on God away from the current situation. Excitement comes after I seek an answer from God, through thoughts directed toward my own heart. The process itself is not fun, but the results are life changing; they increase God’s glory through me, and it is worth it!

As children of God seeking to live the abundant life in Christ and as His ambassadors, we must be willing to look for strongholds and be committed to get free of them with Christ’s help.

Over the last few years, we have discovered several ways to recognize strongholds:

1. God reveals strongholds through painful memories.

God can reveal a stronghold to you as you meditate on Him and ask Him to show you what is in your heart (e.g., at family camp when God brought back my painful memory of learning to tell time).

2. Strongholds can surface through an argument.

If you care about the person who is ROCKing (Reacting Off the Chart) and care about their heart instead of attacking them or defending yourself, you can, with God’s help, discover the core problem and be able to help them get free of the stronghold (and associated pain) that holds them in bondage and influences their actions (e.g., when Steve pulled the car out for church and I felt abandoned). Casting blame doesn’t care for a person’s heart. Skillful debating to prove who’s at fault is not productive, and a marriage will suffer if that is your goal. Getting other people to take your side in an argument only emphasizes a strained relationship and will speed up its destruction, because you are failing to discover and resolve the real underlying problems. These fleshly approaches will not restore relationships. The enemy will use them to further destroy your relationships. Your spouse, siblings, parents, or children are not the enemy—Satan is. We can only restore our relationships as we realize and defeat his purposes in our lives.

3. Strongholds are caused by generational sins passed down to us.

Examine the pages you wrote in your notebook about your parents and grandparents and observe characteristics that reveal sin in their lives. Upon examination, you will probably recognize that some of these same sins are evident in your own life. Be honest and ask God to open your eyes. Circle those generational sins that are evident in your life.

Recently, I found myself unhappy with Steve’s lack of desire to help with Christmas decorations. 1 Corinthians 13 says, “[love] does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.” To me, this means that love hardly even notices when someone else does it wrong. However, I was noticing Steve’s lack of desire, and my focus here seemed to be more on myself and my needs. Recognizing this, I talked to Steve and asked him, “Why does it upset me so much when you don’t want to help me decorate for the holidays?” Instead of attacking him and making him angry, causing him to defend himself, we addressed the issue and discovered the following core issue:

My mother had so many expectations that no one could please her. Her unfulfilled expectations left her unhappy, critical, and bitter and often drove her to seek revenge. For the first time, I began to see that my mother passed down this sin to me—the sin of anger from unmet expectations. I prayed and asked God to help me forgive my mother for passing down this generational sin. Resolving this issue has made a glorious difference in my life. I have found and dealt with several heart issues caused by high expectations, but I’m not finished yet. I need to continue to take care of each foothold or toehold as I discover them. A prayer to resolve and get free of generational sin can be found in Appendix H.

4. Repetitive flesh patterns reveal strongholds.

Are there any visible areas in your life where you repeatedly have problems in dealing with a situation or getting along with people? If you can’t see repetitive patterns yourself, ask a family member if they do. Other people can often see these far more easily than we can. I caution you to prepare yourself for answers you might not want to hear!

For example, if you shut down and withdraw and refuse to talk, this is a repetitive pattern. Ask yourself what prompts this reaction. Have you ever felt this way before? When? How far back can you remember feeling that way? What happened? Ask Jesus to help you find the source.

Do you have repetitive problems with anger, rebellion, gossip, domination or control, etc?

Are there any hidden repetitive areas such as judgmental attitudes toward others, ungrateful attitudes, or sullen anger? How about a lack of passion to pray or to read God’s Word, a lack of motivation to work, or a lack of desire to attend church or trust God? Do you harbor jealousy or prejudice in your heart? Do you resent rich people? Are you generally discontent? Are you impatient with stupid or poor people? If so, be courageous and ask Jesus why. Perhaps, it’s another area where He desires us to surrender something to His Lordship.

5. Strongholds are formed from sin done to us.

Remember the rocks in your canning jar representing your hurts in chapter 2 (who did what and how each one made you feel)? That list will reveal strongholds. I found freedom from 80 percent of my strongholds by filling out “who did it” column, “what did they do” column, and the last column “how did it make me feel.” My mind, will, and emotions were all engaged as I took the time to bring each one separately to Jesus and pray the forgiveness prayer for each offender.

You can do the same. From each offense, look for more than one evidence of a stronghold in your life. Also, for each offense, it’s important to tell Jesus how that person made you feel. It is because of those hurtful feelings that you act and react toward others.

When I was at family camp, I forgave my mom for everything at once. That helped me align my attitude and will with God and helped me accept that God wanted me to forgive everyone including my mother. However, it was necessary for me to take each of my mom’s offenses to the Lord, one by one, in order to really get free of strongholds that her offenses created in me.

6. Strongholds are often exposed when we relax and talk to a spouse or friend.

While facing each other, holding hands or just relaxing on a couch, you can ask caring questions about the other person’s heart in a relaxed, nonthreatening way. In this safe environment, issues can be gently exposed. Also, after you and your spouse hold and care about each other for five or ten minutes, you can often discover strongholds and issues if you talk afterward while relaxing and trusting the other person. Remember—they are not the enemy; Satan is.

7. Strongholds are revealed when we discover what distracts us.

Sin distracts us. It separates us from God, and focusing on sin keeps our focus off God and all He can be in our life. I’d like to share this simple diagram I learned in a Sunday school long ago:

If we keep our gaze on God, He gets our focus and our love. Our steadfast gaze on Him allows Him to be God in all His glory in our life. We can trust Him for everything and for every event in our life. If we merely glance at our problems, at other people’s imperfections, or at worldly distractions, these things will remain small while God will remain large, omniscient, and omnipotent.

If we find ourselves gazing at worldly distractions, we are focusing on our problems—on our stuff. Our problems become very large, and we will often find our pain and stress almost too much to bear. God will only get a glance and be small. He’ll be put in the background and confined to a small area of our life. The problem area that we’re gazing at becomes large, all-consuming, stressful, and causes worry and concern.

Courageous Hearts: Chapter 6

Matthew 14:22-32 relates the account of Jesus walking on the water. In verse 28, we read, “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

Consider the gaze-glance triangle: Imagine Jesus walking on the water at the top of the diagram. Peter is at the base of the triangle on the left and the water, wind, and storm are on the other point.

Peter takes his eyes off Jesus and is distracted by the winds and the water. Verse 30 says, “When he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’”

When we allow our gaze to focus on our problems, flesh patterns, or sinful distractions in life, those things become bigger and God becomes smaller. We are forced to give more attention to the problems, and before we know it, we are relying totally on our own knowledge and strength to overcome situations.

When Peter began sinking, he quickly redirected his focus by crying out, “Lord, save me!”

Are we wise enough to admit when we notice other’s faults, focus on relational problems or escape to familiar flesh patterns for relief? Are you like Peter? Are you gazing on something other than Jesus? Will you cry out to Jesus, “Lord, save me!”? Refocus your gaze on Jesus and ask Him to make the enemy go away.

Our will can be redirected to focus and gaze intently on God—you are in control of this choice. When our gaze is on God, the Holy Spirit can empower us. When you are focused on God, ask Him to speak to your heart about your strongholds.

Read the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42. Martha was distracted by all the preparations for the reception while Mary sat at the feet of Jesus and listened to all He had to say. Martha came to the Lord complaining that Mary had left her to do all the work by herself. She demanded that He tell Mary to get up and help her! My Bible also shows an exclamation mark here, emphasizing her frustration with Mary.

For years, I never understood this story. I was on Martha’s side. I didn’t understand why Jesus just didn’t make Mary get up and help. When Jesus said Mary had chosen what is better, I didn’t understand—not until Jesus started healing my heart. Do you remember the two paragraphs I asked you to highlight several chapters back where I was doing everything for my boys but loving them? Those family responsibilities and activities were just like the work Martha was focusing on.

Jesus’s answer to Martha is equally relevant to us today. Verse 41 and 42 say, “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Loving someone and investing time and energy in a close relationship are better than doing a lot of things that are just distractions and stuff. The problem is that in our culture today, we can no longer distinguish the difference between doing stuff for our family and love. Our culture and upbringing teach us ways that are very different from God’s.

I thought I was loving my family before camp, but I was just doing a lot of things for them. That was not love. I know it wasn’t love, because they didn’t feel loved by me before camp. You can’t argue with how someone feels.

After camp, we loved our boys better by just listening to them. We respected their opinions by showing interest in their ideas. We let them make more of their own choices and accepted them for who they were and believed in them. We listened and accepted them with no expectations or conditions. In only a short time, our sons felt loved at 85 percent to 95 percent of the time. That is a huge difference from the original 2 percent. Some people we knew criticized us for our decision to remove most of the rules and constraints we had placed on them. Today’s families are often confused on the issue of love and many don’t know what love looks like.

Jesus told Martha she was distracted by a lot of things. Are you distracted by a lot of stuff? Could getting free of strongholds actually help us see the only thing needed? Jesus said, “Only one thing is needed.” Do we miss love and relationships by chasing after a lot of distractions (such as providing an income, buying a house, working on the house, hockey leagues, and viola lessons, buying things for our family, cooking, cleaning, etc.)?

Which of the above diagrams most often reflects your life? Would you be willing to write down anything that distracts you, worries you, or upsets you? Or anything that takes your gaze off Jesus and directs your focus to something else? Take the time to write a list in your notebook and add to it as you think of things in the weeks ahead.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6-7).