Against All Odds
“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer” (Ps. 19:14).
On our first night home from camp, the four of us went to a local restaurant.
I shared my heart with Steve and the boys, saying, “I realize that you don’t feel loved by me and that makes me very sad.” I asked for their forgiveness for hitting them and screaming at them and for not knowing how to show love toward all three of them. Then I explained, “I learned at camp that I don’t know how to love, but I am asking God to help me learn because I want to love you much better. I want to be able to show you love in a way that you can feel loved. I learned I was not loved when I was a little girl, and I have a lot of anger inside me toward my parents and others. It’s going to take some time for me to get my heart healed. Can you be a little patient with me while I try to learn to love you better?”
They each said, “Yes.”
Then Steve and I explained how we weren’t going to dictate and control them anymore. I said, “I have pressured both of you to get good grades. I won’t do that anymore. Those grades belong to you. It is your education, and you can make whatever grades you want. You don’t even have to show us the report card. Just tell us where to sign. If you are proud of your grades and want to share them with us, we would love to see them. You both get to be in charge of your own life from now on. You’re awesome kids, and we think you will do great. We will be here to help or answer any questions you may have for us. If I ask you to take the trash out, you get to decide if you want to help by doing it or not. If you can’t do it when I ask, but would like to do it later, just say so. No more lectures or controlling from me.”
I explained how I realized I was a real control freak. I asked the boys if they could just let me know when I was lecturing or controlling so I could see when I was doing it.
We talked about appropriate ways to tell me when I was blowing it and came up with an idea that we still use. If we’re talking and one of them starts feeling lectured or controlled by me, he simply has to mention some color in his speech. For instance, if we are driving, Dan may say, “Look at that yellow sign.” Or at the dinner table, “Blue bowl.” Usually over the phone we just say, “Blue sky! Blue sky!” We don’t fix, discuss, or explain what is being said or done incorrectly. We just immediately change the subject and talk about something else. We sometimes even laugh about it right then as we move onto something else. A few days later, I might ask some questions about it so I will know how to understand and love better.
This technique is especially helpful when other people are around. They don’t have a clue what a yellow sign has to do with what we were talking about, but the kids do and we change the subject so fast that it’s soon forgotten. In seven years, no one has ever gotten hurt or angry by changing the subject.
With the boys’ help, I began to understand when and how I was lecturing or controlling. Dan and Adam knew instantly when they weren’t feeling loved or were being controlled. We called them ouch moments! Once in a while, one of them would just say, “Ouch!” I started to see why they didn’t feel loved at that very moment. My kids felt like they could have more control of conversations and felt that saying “yellow sign” was a nice way to change a subject.
Their help was not so much an action plan to fix my controlling as it was a way to prevent further damage to them while God was healing my heart. In time, after I allowed God to heal hidden pain in my heart and gave Him control of certain areas, I was able to stop most of my controlling behavior. The result was that my family felt loved by me.
Before camp, I did a lot of things for my family that seems like love to me. I told them that I loved them often. I felt like I was a servant and sacrificed a lot for them. I especially tried to help them in areas where my parents neglected me, such as music lessons, ice hockey, and school work. I attended school functions and activities. I wanted to help them excel in school, sports, and Boy Scouts. I thought love was giving them opportunities that I never had. I talked and lectured and taught about values. I gave them money and bought things for them. I offered them a nice home, food, and clothing. I thought that must be love. Wrong!
You could highlight the above two paragraphs and, in the side margin, write, “IT’S JUST STUFF!”
I poured out these things to my kids along with a lot of other basic stuff, but my boys didn’t feel loved any more than I did growing up. They were sick of lectures and what they felt were broken promises.
After I went through the steps to forgive my parents at camp, I began to relax and just love my family. We noticed immediate changes in our relationships. The boys started to feel loved. It felt natural and genuine. I was able to respond to them in love without thinking about it. I noticed Adam following me to every room of our house—he was like a sponge soaking up my love. Dan visibly relaxed right before my eyes. We laughed together, played games, and watched TV without fights erupting. We enjoyed each other’s company. And yet we were only beginning our journey and were still a long way from being completely healed.
On the first morning after arriving home from camp, I sat on our deck with a cup of coffee. Steve joined me, asking, “What are you doing?”
“I’m listening to the birds sing.”
Steve looked at me for a few seconds with a confused look.
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked.
He cleared his throat and chose his next words carefully, “Sherilyn, those birds aren’t singing. They’re just making a lot of racket.”
“They are too singing,” I argued.
“No. They’re just making a lot of noise. It’s not singing.” And then, far in the background of our property, a bird began to sing. Its song cut through the noise, and Steve said, “Hear that? That’s a bird singing.”
I smiled and began to cry. I had never heard anything like it in my life. My damaged heart had kept me from ever hearing birds sing. All my life, birds sang around me and I had missed the beauty of their songs.
I knew I was missing out on other things as well. I wanted “the beauty of Christ in me.” I couldn’t wait to discover what all those things were.
Do you remember my list of evidences resulting from my father’s spankings without love because I couldn’t tell time? The evidences were pressure, feeling stupid, being afraid of authority and afraid of getting in trouble, fear, rage toward someone yelling in my face, reacting to arguing and loud noises, and being terrified to read out loud. Let me explain what happened to these outward evidences just from my truly forgiving my father from my heart at camp and giving Jesus control of that area of my heart.
During the first few days back home, I was more relaxed and calm. Once, when both boys approached me at the same time, urgently pressing their requests, I very calmly placed a hand on one of their arms and said, “Hold on a minute and I’ll help you.” Then I turned to the other and said, “What do you need?” It was so easy, yet I had never been able to do that before in my life! Suddenly, I could respond to two people pressuring me at once. I no longer had to flee from the room, feeling like a failure.
A real test came about four days after we returned home. Adam pulled the “I can’t find my shirt” yelling-in-my-face trick. “You lost it, Mom! I hate the way you do laundry. You’re so stupid!” He continued yelling in my face, “You lose my stuff every week!”
I didn’t have to stop and think about how to react. I didn’t need a to-do list given to me by a counselor explaining what to do in this situation (like I had done in the past). I didn’t even consider that I was in a potentially volatile situation.
My reaction was as comfortable and natural as breathing. I dried my hands and turned off the stove. I touched Adam’s arm and very gently said, “I love you, Adam, and if you will lower your voice, I’ll go help you find your shirt, right now.”
“You will?!” His anger went from a ten to a one within two seconds.
I smiled, “Sure.” A few minutes later, we found his shirt where he obviously had left it himself. I said, “Gee, for the life of me, I don’t remember putting it there.”
We laughed. He apologized, and I really meant it when I said, “That’s OK. I could tell you were upset.”
When Adam was disrespectful, angry, and cruel with his words about his lost shirt, notice what I didn’t do. I didn’t tell him to correct his attitude before I would help him. I didn’t lecture him and demand that he respect me. I didn’t beat him up with God’s scripture and show him how sinful and wrong he was or yell and beat him with my fists. I simply looked beyond his faults (his dots) and saw his need. I didn’t even realize at the time I was doing that. My heart was simply capable of loving him.
Isn’t that what Jesus does with us? He looks beyond our faults and sees our need—love.
Adam felt loved when I stopped cooking and helped him. He felt more important than what I was doing. He didn’t feel judged and corrected. I helped him for the first time without physically or emotionally attacking him. After Jesus took control of that part of my heart, I reacted to Adam without all the junk from my past making me react differently. I no longer felt threatened. I no longer needed to defend and protect myself. It was awesome for both of us. From August 7 of that year, I have never hit anyone again in anger or screamed in their face—not once. What a victory in Jesus!
There’s more. Steve’s mom was very ill with leukemia and living out her last few months. Two months after camp, I drove to Steamboat Springs to cook and freeze meals for her and my father-in-law. While traveling through Rocky Mountain National Park, I passed a park ranger in a passing zone! I was so relaxed while driving I didn’t even notice that I was passing a ranger.
I didn’t start shaking when he pulled me over to give me a ticket, and I was calm as he came to the side of my car. I didn’t know what I did wrong, so I asked. He explained that I was not allowed to exceed the 45 mph speed limit when passing, even if I did slow back down to 45 once I got back into my lane. I was still calm when I gave him my registration and license. He explained it would take some time to write up the ticket.
I wasn’t crying or shaking out of control. There was no horrible pain or a rock-hard feeling in my chest. I wasn’t worried about the money it would cost to pay the fine. I wasn’t afraid of the ranger or of getting in trouble.
I actually thought, “He’s a really nice man. What should I do while I wait. Clean out my purse or crochet?” I chose to clean out my purse. Finally, he came back to my window and handed me a blue warning slip. I told him “Thank you” and drove away. In the past, I would have been shaking so hard that I couldn’t drive and just have waited for the policeman to leave first.
This time, for the last three miles of the park and for the first time in my life, I drove in front of a ranger or a policeman and never even gave it a thought.
It wasn’t until five miles outside of the park that it hit me! I pulled the car off the road and stopped. I started crying, laughing, and screaming all at the same time. “I got a ticket!” While receiving the ticket, all I could think of was how nice the ranger was at the time. I wasn’t nervous or upset that I was getting a ticket. Even though I just got a warning, it still represented a real ticket to me, because that’s what I thought it was going to be.
All the way to Steamboat, I kept rejoicing and singing, “I got a ticket! I got a ticket! Thank you, Jesus.”
In Steamboat, I ran into the house smiling from ear to ear, exclaiming how I got a ticket—I was so happy. Then something else wonderful happened that night. Jesus gave me, my first ever, favorite Bible verse, Psalm 34:4: “I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.” I wrote that scripture across the top of my blue ticket and later covered it with clear contact paper. I carry it to this day in my Bible. I never want to forget that if you ask God to take back the stronghold from the enemy, He will do it and set you free of it. When He took away the stronghold, I invited the Holy Spirit to fill that area of my heart with His peace and His love. Seven years later, I am still amazed that God loves me so much that He helped me fight back for both my life and the ones I love. I can pull right up to policemen now and smile and appreciate them.
Seven months after camp, I attended a writer’s conference in Colorado Springs. I signed up to read five typewritten pages of a historical romance book I was working on—in front of two editors and forty strangers! It was unheard-of for me to not only read out loud, but to read five pages in front of people that were there to criticize my work.
And I did it! I said a silent prayer: It’s you and me, Jesus. Please help me do this. It was awesome—the entire experience. I never stuttered or lost my place. I was relaxed and read with feeling. And when the editors told me what they liked and didn’t like, I didn’t feel stupid. When finished, I practically skipped off the stage.
I was still a long way from getting rid of all of the enemy’s control over my life, but I was so excited over the huge changes already made in me. All of these new reactions came from letting Jesus take back just one stronghold connected with my dad when I was learning to tell time:
• I didn’t have to try in the flesh to control my temper. I simply was no longer angry when Adam yelled at me three inches from my face. I didn’t have to scream and hit Adam to make him stop yelling.
• I didn’t have to make myself endure the noise in the car. I simply didn’t notice it.
• I never ran from the room or yelled for everyone to shut up when several people descended on me with urgent requests. I was calm and simply answered their needs one at a time.
• I no longer even looked for police or park rangers; my fear of authority was gone.
• I was relaxed and could read out loud in front of complete strangers.
I was walking more in the Spirit and less in the flesh, and it was evident in all my reactions. This was exciting, and I wanted more—I wanted it all! I didn’t want to stop until Jesus had all of my heart. I asked Jesus to keep showing me what was in my heart so I could bring it to him. I committed my will to God’s leading. I was committed to never give up on this journey.
Before healing, all my life I had wanted to be in control. I believed somehow that if I was in control, no one could hurt me. And I exerted unhealthy control using sinful flesh patterns.
It’s odd, but in a way, I am still in control of my life. Not just me, but Jesus in me. I was the one who decided to have a courageous heart. I called out for help and asked Jesus to take that stronghold out of the enemy’s grip. I made the decision of who would be in control of that area of my heart. I decided and committed to allow Jesus to have control of 100 percent of my heart. I was in control of my decisions, but those decisions allowed Christ to be Lord of my life and to be in control of my heart. His Spirit empowers me, we together live in me, and He works through me.
One of the biggest differences upon our arrival at home from camp was Adam’s reaction to me as he began to feel loved. He would sit next to me on the couch and was everywhere I went. He was fourteen and was practically sitting in my lap. He was feeling something from me he had never felt before, and he couldn’t get enough of it. Dan was enjoying a new closeness, too.
I never told Adam he needed to change—to be nicer, quieter, get in trouble less. I just let him be himself, and I got to love him. He was acting the way a three- or four-year-old would act when a Mom would sit down and put an arm around her child as they read a book or watched TV together. He snuggled in real close and cuddled, and I loved it and encouraged it. Steve and I watched Adam emotionally grow up before our eyes as we lavished unconditional love on him.
For the next several weeks, Steve and I loved our kids as never before. Our relationships began to deepen and grow into trusting friendships. Dan began to relax and feel like he was really in charge of his own life. Both of our sons began talking and sharing with each other and with us.
That fall, Dan started his sophomore year and Adam began his freshman year at the same high school. We didn’t hear of any open hostility between the boys. Not that they didn’t still get on each other’s nerves occasionally, but it just wasn’t the open hostility that was displayed in July.
We played games together often. One evening, my father-in-law called and we were all screaming and laughing and making quite a ruckus. Dad found it hard to believe we were just playing dominoes. He said, “They must have changed the game since I was a kid.”
I no longer asked the boys about school work or pressured them to perform. Sometimes, they would call and ask me to bring some forgotten homework to school, and I would help them out. I felt it was more important for them to feel loved than to let them get an F to “learn a lesson.” It helped to live right next door to the high school, but I would have driven fifteen miles if needed. I understood that they were still unorganized and not perfect.
I wasn’t perfect about the whole control issue either, but I was feeling less and less need to make decisions and tell others what to do. In fact, in a matter of a few short weeks, controlling others started feeling uncomfortable.
Sometimes, one of the boys would come to me and ask me to tell the other one they were messing up or to tell them not to do something. It was so easy to respond, “No. It’s his choice and his decision.”
Adam was having a difficult time in his freshman English and math classes, and the kids in the classes were disruptive. He asked Steve and me to come and volunteer in his classrooms. I’d never heard of any high school student requesting that his parents sit in his high school class with him—especially a freshman! Just nine weeks earlier in July, I couldn’t even give him two dollars to buy a pop during his bicycle ride without us getting into a huge fight. He had snatched the money out of my hand and said, “You’re so cheap! I can’t buy anything with two dollars.” I had grabbed the money back, yelling, “See what you can buy with nothing, you ungrateful brat!”
Steve and I asked the teachers if we could help out in their classes, and both teachers were grateful for the assistance. I attended each English class with Adam. Steve arranged to leave work to volunteer in the high school math class. Adam was so proud of me and said to his friends at high school, “Isn’t my mom great?” Sometime, he would catch me in the hall when his friends were around, grab me around the waist, and swing me around in circles. I would yell, “Put me down! You are embarrassing me in front of all my friends.”
I don’t know if anyone ever razzed him about going to school with his parents. As far as we could tell, everyone in the two classes was glad Adam invited us. Kids don’t hate adults—they just get angry, act out, or withdraw when they don’t feel anyone cares about them. Even trouble makers can be awesome when they feel cared for and accepted.
When English was over, Adam would walk next door and join his dad in math class. We both volunteered for the entire school year. During all of that time, we never got in any kind of a fuss with Adam over school. It was an incredibly fun and wonderful experience.
Before camp, I was pushing myself into my sons’ activities and they resented it. Now that they felt loved, we were being invited into their classrooms and into their lives. We lived next door to the high school, and many times, there would be ten kids or more over for lunch. Dan and Adam knew they could invite anyone over. My house was becoming more organized and was becoming a real home. The boys were allowed to make their own decisions about inviting friends over to spend the night. We enjoyed their friends, and it was better to have everyone at our house having fun than be off somewhere else, perhaps drinking. Many a weekend morning, we would wake up to find five or six kids sleeping on the living room floor.
My life and relationships were so dramatically changed that at one point, I really felt like God was done healing my heart. I was ready to start teaching others how to get free of past pain. What a mistake that would have been! As I look back now, I see how the enemy was actually trying to deceive me with new, happy, and comfortable relationships. Satan will use anything to stop our growth, even much-improved relationships. There were so many positive moments and changes that for a brief time, I stopped listening for God to tell me more and show me more.
We began to occasionally experience uncomfortable and discouraging situations. Every so often, a fight would erupt in our home. God used these fights to wake us up. I felt like I was taking five steps forward and three backward. Through these difficult moments, I saw that God still needed to continue a major work in my heart and that the enemy was still trying to make us quit.
In October, Daniel got an F on an important test. He held it in for three days, and then he woke us up around midnight to talk to us. He was having a panic attack. His face was beet-red, and he was having difficulty breathing.
He gave us a word picture to express his feelings, “I feel like I’m in a small room made of concrete, and there are no doors and no windows. There is a hook on the floor, and a big heavy tractor chain is hooked onto it. The chain is wrapped around my feet and around my entire body and neck. It completely covers me including my face, and I can’t breathe. I can’t cry out for help, and no one could even hear me if I yelled, because there are no windows or doors in the room.”
We gave him a hug and told him we were listening, and we could hear him. He let us pray with him, and we prayed out loud, “Jesus, make the enemy go away.” We talked about the failing grade and told him he was so much more important than a stupid grade. We said we didn’t care if he got an F in the class. He wasn’t in trouble and that we loved him. We told him, “We are proud of you, and one grade doesn’t say who you are.” He began to relax and feel better. We offered to talk to the teacher with him, and he liked that idea. The teacher helped to put together a plan for Dan to catch up. It ended up being one of his favorite classes. Because Dan felt love from us, he was able to come to us and talk instead of trying to hide it and bury his fear and pain. Love helped him to break a repetitive and destructive pattern.
Steve and I were still concerned about Dan’s word picture though. We called the camp counselor, Drew, and made an appointment for us to receive an emergency week of counseling in January.
After we made the appointment, we attended one of Drew’s seminars in Colorado to learn and understand more about our hearts. There, we learned that the enemy can influence us through many different kinds of abuse done to us in the past: physical, emotional, spiritual, or sexual. He talked about a woman in her early fifties who had a tremendous rage that was out of control. She had been sexually abused as a small child.
I didn’t like hearing about sexual abuse, but I was sitting in the middle of the church and I couldn’t just leave. Then I began to think of Adam’s rage. Adam was responding to our love at home, but he was still raging inside at times. There had been a case of sexual abuse in our old neighborhood, and I was very interested to see if this could be a clue to Adam’s anger.
Drew explained that people who have been sexually abused can show many different kinds of evidence: intense rage, excessive self-gratification beginning at an early age, difficulty in intimacy, fantasies, pornography, lust, confusion about one’s sexual identity, and an unhealthy thought life. There are many ways to act immorally other than having affairs that can be traced back to sexual abuse. I had heard once about a study that found 96 percent of prostitutes were sexually abused before becoming prostitutes.
As Drew continued to speak about this lady who had been sexually abused, I began to feel a heavy dull pain in my heart. I recognized I had many of the same evidences as this lady. The more he talked about her symptoms, the more intense the pain grew in my chest. I started taking quick little breaths to lessen the now-sharp pain in my heart. I thought I was having a heart attack, but I still didn’t want to leave—I wanted to hear this information to help Adam. My chest hurt so much, and I was so focused on the speaker that I didn’t even realize that tears were streaming down my face.
I heard Drew say, “She was ready to commit herself into an asylum for help. She thought she was crazy, and she couldn’t control her rage.” At this point, I got to my feet and started leaving the sanctuary. Tears were falling faster than I could wipe them away. As I neared the door, I heard him say, “When she realized she had been sexually abused, she fell on the floor with severe stomach pains. We almost called for an ambulance.”
As the sanctuary door closed behind me, I screamed inside my head to God, It’s not my stomach—it’s my heart that hurts. Like in “The Accident,” I felt like Jonathan felt when he was emotionally pulled from his car. I was being forced emotionally to a place where I didn’t want to go, but I needed to allow God to lead me back into my pain.
I entered an empty prayer room sobbing—I couldn’t catch my breath. I knew someone had hurt me. God had brought me to the lecture to listen for myself, not for Adam.
It was no wonder that in the past few years, I had never wanted to hear about sexual abuse and was insensitive to victims of sexual abuse. The enemy never wanted me to go to the pain and bring it to Jesus.
I had no memory of sexual abuse, but I had several unwanted symptoms that had plagued me as far back as a very small child. I was never able to get free of these symptoms for forty-six years and had tried and failed countless times.
Steve found me a few minutes later, curled forward in a fetal position gasping for breath and weeping. He had stayed for the end of the lecture and learned how this woman also curled into a fetal position crying and gasping for air like a baby does when it has cried for a long time and can’t catch its breath. Her uncle had abused her when she was under the age of two. Steve heard Drew say, “When an adult cries like a baby, you can tell the abuse occurred at a very young age—usually under two.”
Steve knew what was happening to me. I was also gasping for breath and crying like a distraught baby. After he had calmed me down enough, we prayed the “forgiveness prayer” and I forgave whoever hurt me (I didn’t even know who, but God knew). I just let it go and asked God to take back the stronghold from the enemy. Since that day, I have been free of all of the evidences of my abuse and have felt sane, healthy, and normal. It is incredible what God can deliver us from if we are willing to forgive and ask Him for help.
Each time I was delivered from a hidden pain, I could physically feel my chest and heart relax. The pressure would disappear from my chest just as if the imaginary strands of barbed wire were being cut away by Jesus. After the conference, I experienced a new depth of peace.
A week later, I had a chance to share with my mother-in-law all that had happened to me over the past three months. When she asked about it, I offered to tell her either the long or short version. She requested to hear all of it, which was very unusual. She had been angry with God for over fifty years and didn’t like to talk about God at all.
I shared my heart with her and all my hidden secrets of the sexual abuse, and for the first time in seventeen years, I saw my mother-in-law cry. We cried together as she told me how she had been a very unhappy and angry eight-year-old like me.
She had chronic leukemia and was slowly dying. Over the next few months, she and I became very close as we talked heart-to-heart, and I was allowed an opportunity to love her. I never preached to her, but just loved her with no hidden agenda. This was a very special miracle because for most of the time I was married to Steve, she didn’t even like me and she told me so. God can change hearts and relationships. He changed my heart so I could love her, and God touched her heart so she could receive my love. I know she felt loved by me, because I asked her if she did before she died on Valentine’s Day. I still smile when I think of her getting a new heart from Jesus on Valentine’s Day.
Each of us has secret hurts and pain hidden in our heart. Jesus doesn’t demand that you fix it. He invites you to bring it to Him and give Him the opportunity to heal it for you. He will either heal your heart when you get to heaven or He can heal it now so you and your family can enjoy an abundant life in Him while on earth—you get to make that choice for yourself. Your decision will have a direct influence on your children and their children.
High school was a very busy time for us. Adam was very involved in ice hockey, and we split our time between hockey games and Dan’s concerts and tennis matches. During the Christmas holidays, Adam participated in the state hockey tournament in Colorado Springs. Steve and I got into a huge fight upon our arrival at the tournament. It was one of those everything-blew-up-in-our-face moments. When and if you try to clean up your heart, there will be moments that you will want to quit. This was ours.
Steve was angry and totally locked up. He took off walking and missed half of Adam’s game. He had decided that he just couldn’t take being married to me anymore. He was also anxious about our counseling session coming up in two weeks.
It was the first of several low moments we would experience over the next few years. The enemy didn’t just give up and let us sail away from him without a fight.
I don’t remember what the fight was about or I would share it. I do remember that both Steve and I were ROCKing at the same time. Neither one of us could care about the other while we were both locked up and self-absorbed in our own anger and pain. We both Reacted Off the Chart and Kicked each other in the teeth (ROCKed). Steve was gone for several hours, and I was worried about him. When we finally got back together, I was able to care about his heart. We were able to pray and restore our relationship. I’m glad we were committed to our relationship and to giving all of our hearts to God. If we hadn’t had that commitment in place, we might have thrown in the towel at that time.
I prayed out loud, “Jesus, make the enemy go away.” Every time we have prayed that prayer, at least one of us has been able to distance ourselves from our own pain and care about the other person.
At family camp, I recognized my need to have my heart transformed. But recognizing the need is not enough! You need something to motivate you to walk that new path with Jesus and to never turn back. You need to really decide that you want this for your loved ones and yourself and be committed to pay the cost.
I made the commitment, but never realized how greatly I would be blessed in the process of being transformed into something much more beautiful by the empowering of the Holy Spirit dwelling in me.
Reflections: Chapter 5
I know what beauty looks like now because I now can see what was so ugly in my life when I was totally in control for over forty years. Only Jesus can get the glory for my transformation.
Our culture teaches that we will have better relationships if we are willing to make changes and compromise. Those changes often come from self-determination—a flesh-pattern. A God-given change only happens when God heals our heart and the Holy Spirit indwells us and empowers us with His presence. This inner-heart change shows clearly in our life when our actions and reactions are naturally different.
Let me repeat. If we change the outward evidence by just trying to alter our actions, then we are doing it ourselves. This would be a temporary fix through our efforts.
If we allow God to heal our heart and fill it with His love and peace, then our outward evidence (our actions) will be different, naturally. That is the evidence that we have given God that area of our heart. This is natural, and life changing.
I had to come to a place in my life where I had to admit that no matter what I had tried before (in the flesh), it didn’t work, it won’t work, and I couldn’t do it. All my life, I had been so consumed with my own pain, fear, and emotional hurt that I couldn’t care about anyone else. The night I sat in the evening service at camp and allowed God to lead me back to the hurting heart of a little eight-year-old girl is the night my life changed. Jesus allowed me to care about someone else more than I cared about my own pain and the facts about my abuse. I wanted to love my dad and forgive him for his sake. I never considered what it would cost me or how it would affect me.
I no longer even want to try to do anything in my own strength and power. I had to be willing to ask Jesus to take the stronghold back and then give it to Him for His control of that area of my life. It’s all about Christ in me and me in Christ: “More of Jesus and less of me.”
I needed to surrender my will, my mind, and my emotions to God. I never knew at the time this would result in such incredible changes in my life and with my family relationships.
My reactions now are completely different, given the same situations. I don’t have to count to ten, recite five of my favorite Bible verses (good idea, but not necessary to master my anger), leave the room to get away, control my rage, etc. All of these ways and more ways that I haven’t mentioned are self-driven flesh patterns to try harder to get it right.
Flesh Patterns
Let’s talk about flesh patterns for a while. Is it better to at least try in the flesh than to not try at all? What do you think? For many years, I would have said yes.
Can reading Bible verses be a flesh pattern? This is a tough question. How could reading the Bible be considered sin? The act itself is not a sin, but the attitude behind it could very well be sinful. Consider this—if I use the action of reading a Bible verse to resolve and overcome my anger, then I am the one accomplishing the control of my anger by an outward action. Am I relying on myself to do something good or correct to overcome anger? Just because it is something good or excellent does not make it free of being a flesh pattern. The truth is Jesus doesn’t even want us to experience much of our anger in the first place, which we shouldn’t if we are walking moment by moment in the Spirit. If you read Bible verses in your own power to control your anger, then your success actually distracts you from finding the source of that anger. If you never deal with the source of your pain and get free of the stronghold, then you will continue to struggle with anger. That anger can often become a repetitive issue.
If you read a Bible verse and it heals and touches your heart and causes an inner-heart transformation, then that is fulfilling the purpose of God’s Word.
The difference between these two may be confusing, but our enemy is very deceitful. If you have to “do something” to overcome something, then you are in charge. You may feel good about your ability to resolve these angry moments and even say God did it. That is the deception.
We put much of our emphasis on the end product: “I managed to control my anger with God’s help.” Over and over in the Bible, God reveals that He is just as or even more concerned with the process as the outcome. What if God truly desires that you rethink your process?
Another area of confusion and deception in our churches is helping people. Helping people is a very good thing to do in the Christian life. However, I believe God wants to teach and speak to individuals in the midst of their trials and problems. As Christians, we sometime jump in to fix the problem, and the person in need loses an opportunity to hear God speak to them. Sometimes, we enable people to continue their dysfunctional ways with our good deeds. It is important as Christians to walk in the Spirit when we help others. Then we can help people with the right attitude and know it is from God.
Here is an example—a true story. I was helping a family with six children where the husband was out of work. I was teaching the Mom to cook, and we bought them a used freezer so she could store meat and other food on sale. This effort took months of building our relationship and teaching. One day, just before Christmas, a local church came and gave them an entire car load of gifts. The kids told me about their “Game-Boys®” and other gifts. A week later, I could not find a single gift in their house. I asked the children about them. They said their dad had pawned or sold everything for drugs.
This doesn’t happen every time, and I’m not asking you to stop giving to the needy. I think our first calling is to love one another. Most of the time, it requires the investment of time to build relationships. If people need to fix other peoples’ problems to feel better about themselves, then giving gifts comes from a wrong attitude. The enemy can even use that to deceive the giver and get in the way of God doing a work in the lives of the needy family. People cry out to God out of their need rather than their abundance. It is important to give as we feel led by the Spirit—otherwise our help can even be a sin when done in the flesh. We need to be perceptive and question our attitudes behind our good deeds and actions.
I mentioned that sometimes I felt I was taking five steps forward and three backward. For a while, it was very discouraging. Several times, I felt like quitting because I didn’t feel like I was getting free of pain from my past.
After I forgave my dad, for a time I was no longer angry. Then all of a sudden, three months later, I started getting very angry. I didn’t hit anyone or throw them against the wall, but I was still angry. I hated those moments, and I started to doubt God’s ability to transform my angry heart. I began to question the work God had already completed in my life.
In the following paragraphs, I would like to explain several flesh-pattern concepts that I think will keep you from getting discouraged:
• One offense—my dad spanking me without love—created seven or more outward reactions from me (fear of authority, felt stupid, can’t read, time pressure, loud noises, etc.). Each of these reactions pointed straight back to the stronghold caused from these spankings. Often multiple reactions (flesh patterns) can be linked to one painful experience.
• One piece of evidence (dot) such as anger can be the result of several different offenses. When I forgave my dad for the emotional and physical abuse he caused, I became free of that anger. However, I still had anger from experiences of sexual abuse, favoritism, broken promises, unfair punishments, rejection, etc. Seemingly out of nowhere, I would get angry over something, and there would be an argument. I would be discouraged and tell myself, “This freedom stuff doesn’t work! I might as well quit.” Who was actually telling me to quit? That’s right—Satan! Don’t listen to him—he’s the deceiver. Explosive anger is an opportunity to look carefully at whatever is causing you to feel angry at that moment. Try to remember another situation that caused you to feel the same feelings. Follow those clues and they can lead you to an underlying stronghold.
• Arguments are not meant to destroy us. God actually gives them to us as a gift. God will answer your prayer if you ask Him to help you look beyond the imperfections of others and show you why something bothers you so much. Pray like this: Jesus, why can’t I love them right now? Why do I feel ___________? Will you show me what is in my heart causing me to react this way?
• Things aren’t as complicated as we tend to want to make them. You don’t need to know how to connect all the dots before Jesus can help you. It isn’t our job to think (our mind) our way through every diagram to understand what feeling is attached to what stronghold. It isn’t up to us to decide (our will) how best to approach each situation to determine the best avenue to take for the most success. We don’t need to feel a certain way (our emotions) in order to have success. The transformation of our heart is completely accomplished through the love and power of Jesus Christ. We just get to relax and listen to God speak to our heart through a thought, a verse, a song, or a word picture. We need to be willing to follow where He leads us and allow ourselves to feel what He wants us to feel. Allow God the time He needs to speak to your heart. Sometimes, I would receive an answer from Him days or even weeks later. Everything is in God’s timing. All we need to understand is that He is with us, He will not leave us, and He will protect us. Then we get to obey Him and forgive the person who sinned against us.
That is all I ever did with Jesus. I was committed to listening and bringing each broken piece of my heart to Him for healing. A couple of times, when driving my car, I said, “I will pray about that later.” Big mistake! Sometimes, I couldn’t remember the prompted thoughts or where Jesus was going with those thoughts. It only took two times of missing out to decide I wouldn’t do that anymore. Now I instantly pull the car over and follow His leading. I have prayed through several strongholds in my car on the side of the road. I now have this “anywhere, anytime” policy with Jesus. Anywhere, anytime, I will relax in Him, listen, follow, feel, obey, and forgive.
Many relationships struggle because one person notices the other person’s faults and wants them to change. Our flesh patterns cause arguments when we focus on the other person’s dots. Satan wants to use our arguments to destroy us. Jesus wants us to look past the imperfections of others and care about their hearts, resulting in much better relationships.
God wants to heal our heart. The question is not “God, what makes him or her act that way?” The right questions to ask God are “What is causing me to feel this way toward them right now? Why can’t I love them right now?” Think of what your feelings are and ask, “Have I felt this way before? Did I ever feel this way as a child? When?” Remember to pause and wait for His answer to each question.
These questions are not focused on the other person’s faults at all. Most of the time, a painful event occurred and a stronghold resulted in our heart long before we met that other person. God uses arguments with family members and friends to bring these feelings to the surface for examination. That is God’s gift!
If we are to be like Christ and be His ambassadors, then we need the ability (in Christ) to love someone even as they are doing evil to us. Jesus loved us and forgave us while He hung on the cross in agony.
Steve and I learned that we weren’t each other’s enemy—Satan is the enemy. Steve and I began to direct our focus toward the problem and not cast blame on the other person. We learned to use an argument as a clue to go find the real problem.
The following is a word picture of a fight where Satan wins:
A husband and a wife are in a small boat on the ocean with their children. All the water on the right of the boat is hers, and all the water on the left side of the boat is his. An argument occurs, and some of his water (blame and accusations) splashes in the boat. She gets angry and scoops up some of her water (dots!) and throws it at him. She points out his selfishness and pride. He throws a cup full at her, and she throws a bucket full at him. Pretty soon, their boat is full of water and they are in danger of sinking because they have been attacking and blaming each other over and over and pointing out each other’s faults.
They decide to review notes from their counselor. The counselor tells them how to work as a team to empty the boat and what to say to avoid the conflict in the future. He tells them what books to read and what self-improvement programs they should start. They read their how-to instructions on communicating and how to bail the water out together. They try very, very hard to obey and follow all the rules and self-help guidelines. However, pretty soon, one of them doesn’t perform perfectly and the other is right there to point it out. Soon they are right back throwing water at each other again, over the same issue (flesh patterns of “just try harder” do not work in the long term).
We often think fighting is bad. The idea that a good marriage shouldn’t have problems and that we should avoid conflicts at all cost is hogwash. I agree that we shouldn’t be mean to each other on purpose, but we should pay close attention when someone starts to ROCK the boat. If Adam had never yelled in my face, I wouldn’t have been desperate enough to ask God for help. I would have never realized that the enemy had been feeding me lies and influencing me through pain buried in my heart.
I have found that each argument is a special gift from God. If you can get past the feeling of being kicked in the teeth, you can begin to care about the other person and ask Jesus what is going on in their heart. Once you discover their deep inner hurt, you might be able to help that person have victory over Satan and bring it to Jesus for His healing. If they aren’t interested in getting help, if you have taken care of your own heart, you can look beyond their faults and just love them.
If you can’t get past the horrible feeling of being kicked in the teeth to care about his or her heart, then you need to realize that you also have a stronghold active in your own life. Ask God why the other person’s actions hurt you so much. Ask Him to reveal to you when you felt this way before—did you ever feel this way as a child or young adult?
Go into your heart and feel the way that the little child in you once felt. That child in you has been waiting his or her whole life for someone to care about him or her. Talk about the hurt and the pain to Jesus.
This may sound weird, but it is like traveling from the adult you are now back to the child you were then and feeling your pain as a four-year-old or six-year-old or whatever age you were. Remember the disappointment or the fear he or she felt back then. This is the small child in you that is hurting. How did rejection hurt? Is he or she lonely, scared, hurting, or sad? Why? Don’t minimize his or her pain. Don’t be afraid to relive in your mind that moment of hurt. What is the specific hurt? Don’t be afraid to feel those buried feelings. If you are afraid, pray out loud, Jesus, make the enemy go away. Jesus, are you with me right now? Do I need to be afraid? Will you help me trust you? Allow yourself to put your trust in Him. The pain is in your heart. You need to reach the pain and feel it before you can forgive from your heart. Then you can ask Jesus to take back the stronghold from the enemy and give it to Jesus for His control (see the forgiveness prayer in Appendix F).
Children often don’t understand why they are being hurt. To protect themselves, they lock their heart. The problem is that this lock works both for them and against them. When children grow to adulthood, often they can’t receive or trust at a deep emotional level because their feelings have been closed off. They often lack the ability to express deep emotions of love toward their family because of the locks on their heart. A locked heart allows nothing in and prevents love and emotions from flowing out. A locked heart will cause loved ones to feel distant, disconnected, and unloved. People are often confused about love or have a distorted view of love, causing their families to feel unimportant, disconnected, and confused.
This confusion often causes loved ones to respond positively when asked, “Do you feel loved by me?” Another reason they might answer positively is because it is the correct response or because they simply don’t know what a godly love looks like.
It only takes one person to commit to deal with their own strongholds to turn a family around. I repeat—it only takes one committed person in a family to turn a family around. If you commit to bring your pain to Jesus and let Him heal your heart, He can and will begin to transform your heart and restore your broken relationships.
Often, families with considerable hidden pain look wonderful (I have met several families like this in the past seven years). They dress lovely and are polite to one another. They attend church. Most Sundays, they don’t even get into fights on their way to church (if they did, no one would ever know it). They are financially secure, and their children excel in school. Many of these people are in ministry, counseling others, or have professional jobs. They represent some of the core families in churches. Like Jesus talking to the rich young ruler (Luke 18:24-27), these families are often the most difficult ones to reach. The enemy deceives them causing them to think, “If nothing looks broken, I don’t want to examine it or question it.”
I encourage you to ask someone in your family if they are lonely. Ask them if they feel loved by you. How much of the time? Are they comfortable around you and are they able to talk to you about anything?
Don’t let the enemy deceive you. I encourage you to look at the relationships between you and your spouse and your children. Really look into their faces. Do they radiate with life and joy? Or do they look lost somewhere in there? You look at their faces every day, and you get used to the way they look. Consider asking Jesus, Jesus, will you help me look into their face and into their eyes? Will you show me if they radiate or if they are sad, lonely, broken, discouraged, or afraid? Do I ignore them? Do they feel unloved, dominated, or controlled by me? Are they angry? Do they feel disconnected from me? Do they try hard to please me but never feel they will be good enough or measure up? Do they feel my forgiveness? Are any of my family members emotionally dying alone on the side of the road as in “The Accident” and I don’t know it? Can you help me care about their hearts?
We get caught up in slinging the water in the boat with our family members and find the boat full of water, but rarely know what to do with the emotional damage caused by the fight.
Let’s take another look at a fight in the boat. He throws water; she throws water. Pretty soon, a lot of water is flying. Hmm, what to do? I’ll give you a real example. This happened to us about eighteen months ago.
This is our real fight in the imaginary boat:
Steve and I were getting ready for church. He was looking for his checkbook. I started looking too, because I hated to be late. I went upstairs and downstairs. Ten minutes went by, and I was still looking everywhere when I realized that no one else was in the house. I panicked. I ran outside, and he was just sitting in the car waiting for me to come out. I ROCKed! I was so angry. I was downright furious. I blasted him, telling him I didn’t appreciate that he left the house and didn’t bother to tell me he left. I wouldn’t sing when we got to church. I didn’t talk to him and didn’t want him to touch me (usually we are always touching). I planned on taking the car and leaving for the day when we got home. Our boat was full of water, about to sink, and I didn’t care!
Before I relate any more of this story, does it seem abnormal to pull the car out of the garage if the wife yells out, “It’s time to leave”? You’re right—it’s a perfectly normal thing to do. You also need to know that this same pattern had happened to us several times before. It didn’t involve looking for a checkbook each time, but if my family left the house and didn’t tell me, I would be upset.
That is exactly why I said I ROCKed. I totally reacted off the charts and kicked Steve right in the teeth with my actions, body language, words, and, eventually, silence. He had every right to dump a bucket of his ocean water in my face!
I didn’t care if the boat sank—he could just dump water all over me, because I had my bucket full and in ready position to dump back on him. Have you ever felt that way?
The reason I didn’t care if the boat sank was because for some reason, this situation caused me to ROCK and I locked up. (There are clues and evidence here. We need to look for and find them). I didn’t care about anyone at the moment except myself. I was self-absorbed in my own painful emotions, all because Steve pulled the car out to go to church.
This is exactly why you hear people say that married people get in fights over the silliest things. Those silly things are very emotionally upsetting to one person and these silly things can reveal real past hurts.
Before going any further, can you go back and reread the story about going to church? As you read, look past the dots and try to find anything that might be a clue—something that might cause you to ask a question or two. If so, write them down.
Steve could have started lecturing or criticizing me. He could have gotten angry at me or tried to convince me I was wrong. What good would any of those things have done? He had every right to be angry at the way I treated him and could have retaliated (dumping water on me). I would have thrown a lot of water at him before I would have given in. Eventually, I might have admitted I was wrong and he was right. I would probably feel guilty and ask for forgiveness after I calmed down. Meanwhile, we were both soaking wet in the boat. Even though forgiveness would have been granted and all anger laid to rest, we would have missed a real opportunity for God to transform me and heal the hidden sin done to me that triggered this repetitive reaction from me. We would have missed the opportunity to be completely free of the root problem and resulting pain and resolve this repetitive issue once and for all. Not only was it my pain, but it also became his pain when I reacted, causing a painful argument and isolation.
Go back to the story and draw a fine line through all words that tell the facts. We think facts are so important in an argument. We use facts to debate and win arguments. We are going to cross out the facts (like going upstairs and downstairs and looking for checkbook)—they aren’t important when caring about the heart. Most of the time, facts, figures, and details are distractions unless you only use them to move toward a person’s heart.
Let’s look at everyone in the boat. Mom, dad, and the kids are all wet. Everyone has experienced emotional trauma or even abuse. Our children hated Sundays because it was the day a fight usually happened (most of our fights were about getting out of the house on time). They were stuck in the boat with us—they were soaking wet and hated it. The worst part is that usually in a week or two, it would happen again.
Well, Steve didn’t throw water in my face. Instead, he recognized that I had reacted off the chart. He knew I was ROCKing! The evidence or clues showed a reaction from me of about fifteen on a scale of 1-10, whereas the offense was worth, maybe, one on the same scale. Steve asked God, “Will you help me care about her heart and discover why she reacted this way?” He knew I was committed to search my heart for every stronghold.
Now go back again and cross out all the actions and reactions from either person. Cross through any actions I planned to carry out when I got home. I believe 100 percent of our family fights are because we focus on the other person’s actions or reactions. I am telling you that these actions and reactions aren’t even a part of the equation—they get zero percent of the importance. Their only significance is to show that there is an inner-heart problem and the degree of the hidden hurt.
On the way home from church, Steve asked, “When we get home, could we talk?” He let me choose to talk to him or not. His question was an invitation, not a demand—it felt safe.
He and I sat on the couch relaxing together, and he explained that he went and got in the car because I had said it was time to leave. He wasn’t trying to make me angry.
Steve wasn’t trying to defend himself and prove he was right and that I was wrong. He completely skipped over the facts, actions, and reactions. He looked past all the dots that could have distracted us. He wasn’t willing to throw water on me. He wanted to care about my heart, and his next question will show that. But first, can you find and circle any words in the story describing my feelings or emotions?
Steve asked, “How did you feel when you realized everyone was gone?” By this time, he had his arm around me as we were talking. I answered, “Besides being angry, I felt scared like I had been left. I felt like it was my fault we were late, and I felt stupid—I panicked.”
Steve asked, “Were you ever abandoned sometime, maybe as a child?”
I gave a quick chuckle and said, “No” (a snicker, a chuckle, or a smirk are each a hint that a question is very close to truth hidden in the heart). When I answered him, I believed I was answering truthfully. Sometimes, the reason a snicker or chuckle comes out is that the heart knows something that our mind doesn’t grasp. When a question comes too close to the heart of the pain, we may use laughter or a smirk to distract ourselves from getting too close to something uncomfortable. It’s a deceptive technique that the enemy can use to steer us away from the direction we should be going.
We talked a little more, and Steve continued to probe gently with questions. Remember my commitment to God? That I would relax, listen, and follow where He leads me. That I would engage my feelings, obey, and forgive. That if He would show me what’s broken in my heart, I was committed to bring it to Him. So while we were talking—when I realized that Steve had done nothing wrong and I was Reacting Off the Chart (ROCKing)—I asked God if He would show me what it was from.
Within two minutes, I interrupted Steve, saying, “I know what it is!” Within seconds, I was crying. “When I was eleven, my whole family went to my uncle’s house. We had the makings for homemade ice cream and had packed a huge lunch. We were all going to the beach to spend the day together and had been planning this for weeks. There were four adults and eight kids. We were taking two station wagons to get to the beach ninety minutes away. All eight kids were close in age and were excited about getting together for this fun outing. Just before we left, my dad told all of us to go to the bathroom and then get back in the two cars. I was the last in the line. When I came out of the house and pulled the front door shut, it locked behind me. That’s when I discovered that everyone was gone. They had all left without me!
“I was locked out of the house in a strange neighborhood. After several hours passed, the neighbor next door came home for lunch. He gave me a sandwich and water and assured me that when they got to the beach and realized I was missing, someone would come back for me. He told me they should be back any minute, and then he went back to work.
“As the hours passed and no one came back, I felt like no one loved me. I was hurt and crushed that they didn’t care that I was left behind. For a while I thought that maybe they missed me, but it hurt more to realize after all the hours that they didn’t care. I spent most of the afternoon crying.
“I was still sitting there waiting at eight o’clock that night when my family came back. The neighbor said they would feel bad that I got left, but my dad just cussed at me and yelled at me. He said, ‘We’re going home in a few minutes. Where do you think you should park your butt until we leave?’ I went and got in the car and waited all by myself while all the kids played for another hour in the front yard.”
I was crying in earnest now on the couch as I shared my story from my heart. “I didn’t do anything wrong. They left me and didn’t care. I needed to go to the bathroom again, but I wasn’t about to get out of the car and get left again.”
Steve and I prayed and I was able to forgive my dad from my heart for leaving me behind, and I asked Jesus to take back that stronghold from the enemy’s control. I asked Jesus to fill my heart with His presence and peace. I asked forgiveness for hating my dad. I gave the Holy Spirit control of that area of my heart.
Instead of throwing a bucket of water in my face, Steve saw the clues, and he cared about my heart. He was able to look beyond the dots in my life and follow the clues to my damaged heart.
Let’s go back to the boat analogy. One real deception here is the boat itself. Our flesh decided to get in the boat. Our flesh packed the life jackets so we would be safe. Our flesh started the motor and learned about boat safety. Our flesh keeps rowing or putting gas in the gas tank and bailing out the water other people toss in. The boat and our actions in the boat are excellent examples of people relying on their flesh to get things done and to live a life independent from God. We try to be self-sufficient even while we try to love God and serve Him.
The most startling revelation about the boat analogy is God doesn’t even want us to be out on the ocean at all. He wants us on solid ground (Matt. 7:24-25). He wants us to give Him complete control of our heart. Jesus doesn’t want us out there in a boat on the ocean tearing each other down (verbally or silently) and emotionally damaging and destroying our spouse or children. He wants to heal our heart, take back the stronghold from the enemy, and completely take us out of the boat and stand us up on the firm foundation of the rock. He uses our ROCKing to reveal clues and turn us back completely (each part of our soul) to Him—our rock and our firm foundation.
In the depths of despair, most of us will call out for help, usually after we have already tried everything we know ourselves and realized those things didn’t work. That is exactly where Jesus wants us to be and what He wants us to do. He wants us to admit that we can’t do it. He promises to deliver you from your fears. He promises to be with you every moment, and He promises to take back the stronghold from the enemy and set you free of the pain and sin that continue to influence you.
If you’ve been allowing the enemy to influence you or if you feel you’re at the end of your rope, you are probably ready to let God work in your life. If you are doing OK and think you and your family are doing fine, I’d like to encourage you to watch for clues and flesh patterns. Start asking tough questions to yourself and your family members. If you realize you are drifting on the ocean, humble yourself and ask God for help. Your grandchildren will one day thank you.
Jesus will help you turn your boat toward shore. He doesn’t want you out on the ocean being rocked back and forth by the waves and the winds of self-sufficiency and independence from God. He will help you return to the shore where the rock, Jesus, waits for you to rebuild your relationships with Him and on Him.
It is so wonderful to bring a stronghold to Jesus and let the pain go. Instead of constantly feeling afraid of being left, I can now feel secure in Christ. I can take another rock out of my canning jar and fill the jar to the top with more red water (more of Jesus and less of me). Steve and I have never argued over this area again. I completely feel like Jesus removed another piece of barbed wire from my body.
Did you write any other feelings on your paper or circle them in the story (e.g., I hate to be late)? Even as I was editing this portion of my book about the beach story, I needed to stop and listen to God speak again to my heart about more hidden evidence. I’d like to reflect on what He showed me today.
I hate to be late. I have always considered it being considerate to be on time to show respect to the preacher or to the doctor, etc. As I went to a doctor’s appointment earlier today, I realized that I became extremely stressed when I went to the wrong address. I finally arrived thirty minutes late. I could hardly think straight. I drove like a maniac from one address to the other. I even wished Steve could have been with me so I could have yelled at him even though he had nothing to do with me going to the wrong address. Yelling at someone else sounded pretty good to me at the time. I just didn’t know what to do with the stress and anger building in me. I finally asked God to calm my spirit. I prayed, “God, this has to be linked to something. Will you show me?”
Hours later, while editing the beach story, I realized that I had been late coming out of the house. I was late, got in trouble, and was left behind. I had already dealt with the issue of being abandoned and I no longer fear being left behind, but I had never dealt with the issue of my being late getting out of the house. This left an eleven-year-old girl with the conviction that she had better never be late again! I had always felt driven to be on time and also pressured my family to do the same.
I stopped editing, and I took this to the Lord right then and let Him remove the lies of the enemy and the stronghold from my heart about being late. I knew this was going to make a large difference in my family’s activities.
I have many examples in my own life of getting in serious trouble when I hadn’t done anything wrong (false accusations). It is a hopeless feeling when you are in trouble for something you didn’t do and no one will listen or believe you. Horrible feelings were attached to many of my young life experiences, including this one. I just keep bringing these to Jesus and getting free of pain!
Courageous Hearts: Chapter 5
Let’s recap for just a few seconds before we look at the Bible.
Flesh patterns or walking in the flesh is when we try to handle a situation in our own strength, independent from God. It often is developed with the help of the culture of our society and generational examples. Flesh patterns can be triggered as we protect ourselves.
Everyone has flesh patterns, and everyone has problems—they’re part of life. God uses these problems to speak to our hearts and remind us of our need for God. Problems remind us to be dependent on Him for all things. Flesh patterns will damage and destroy a relationship and move two people away from each other toward isolation. They will experience loneliness and not feel loved.
Walking in the Spirit comes from the Holy Spirit being in control in each area of our heart. We allow Christ to love through us as we live out our lives. We are able to love and forgive because of Him, and this is what makes us Christlike.
When we walk in the flesh, we take note of the mistakes and sins of others. When we walk in the Spirit, we can look past their faults and love them and care about their heart. Then and only then can they feel loved.
As a prelude to our Bible study, would you read the “love chapter”—1 Corinthians 13—and also about the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-26?
Now, go to Luke 15:11-32 and read the parable of the prodigal son. What a wonderful example of a father’s love and his ability to look past both of his sons’ imperfections and care about their heart and love them!
Can you see love displayed in these verses? Can you see flesh patterns in anyone? Write down ways that the father shows his love toward both sons. Write down either of the son’s actions that did not show love. Then compare your list to mine below.
• Verse 12: I think the son asked for his share rather rudely. Yet the father didn’t correct him and demand that the son wait until he died or even say please (that’s love). Jewish laws of inheritance say that when a man dies, his possessions are divided by his sons. If there is a firstborn son, he receives a double portion. The father allowed his younger son to make his own decisions. In love, the father let go and trusted God to work in his son’s life. The son’s selfish and self-centered priorities caused him to demand things that weren’t even yet owed to him. He independently ventured forth into the world, indulging in obvious sin.
• Verse 13: When the father gave the inheritance to his son, there were no strings attached. No lectures recorded. No arguments. No begging required. No ultimatums. The father gave, and the son squandered his estate in loose living. As parents, we need to trust God with the lives and hearts of our children and spouse.
• Verses 20-21: When the younger son came to his senses, he thought of his father and how well his father took care of his servants, and he returned home. The father missed his son dearly. Even after so long a time, the father was still looking for his son. The story reads, “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.” The son didn’t have to earn his way back into his father’s love. He tried his little speech about not even being worthy to be called his son, but his father brushed it off and poured love out on him. How loved, cherished, forgiven, and safe do you think the son felt? My heart is touched as I see this father’s love in action. Love is welcoming. Love is looking past a person’s unwise decisions and actions. It looks past their sin. Love rejoices when a person turns back to the father (earthly father or heavenly Father).
• Verses 22-24: Even though the son told his father he was no longer worthy of being called his son, the father gave him a ring and the best robe and sandals. He ordered a fatted calf to be killed and called him his son. The father didn’t care about the tension when the son left home or how hurt he felt. The father didn’t care about the mistakes and the son’s loose living while away from home. All he cared about was that he was once dead (lost) and now he is alive (found).
• Verse 25: The older son was in the field, working.
• Verse 28: Hearing about the welcoming party for the younger son, he became angry and refused to go in the house.
• Verse. 29: “‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.” He was angry and felt cheated. He wanted the robe and ring. He wanted to be recognized. He had spent all these years trying in his own flesh to earn his father’s love and wouldn’t accept the unconditional love the father had for him. He was angry and wanted to be praised, honored, and rewarded for his work. He was the son who “looked good.” What hidden attitudes were in his heart? Anger often flares when we don’t get our expectations met. Sin is sin regardless of whether it is open sin for all to see as in the younger son or hidden pride, resentment, and doing things in the flesh as in the older son.
• Verse 30: He not only noticed the sins of his father’s son (he didn’t call him his brother), but he proclaimed those sins to his father. This is definitely a flesh pattern caused by jealously.
• Verse 31: The father didn’t say, “You selfish brat. Look around. All that I have is yours. Everything is yours and you begrudge your starving brother one little calf?” No, he didn’t say that even though this son was guilty of sin, too. The father spoke deeply into the older son’s heart, “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.’” Love calms the heat of the moment. Love is soothing. Hopefully, the older son was able to see how much the father loved him too and how he had always loved him even in the absence of his brother, but the Bible doesn’t tell us.
• Verse 32: Love draws and welcomes. The father lovingly reminded him that “his brother” was dead, and now he has begun to live and was lost and has been found. Just as in our own life, the older brother has a decision to make. He can return to the field to his work and carry his anger with him or he can recognize his father’s love and join the party and rejoice in his brother’s return. The Bible doesn’t say if the older brother finally went in and enjoyed the party. The father knew how to love both of his sons. The older son reacted in a selfish flesh pattern at first, but when the father spoke to his heart, hopefully his heart softened. I have seen this happen over and over in my own family. When my children finally experienced Christ-like or Spirit-filled love and saw it modeled in our home, they quickly learned how to love others. They let go of their anger, jealousy, or arrogance—those things didn’t feel as good as being loved and loving others. They were willing to move back into a close, loving relationship because it fulfilled the God-given need that is in each of us. Once they had experienced emotionally close love, they wanted to continue to feel it! Love drew them back.
Courageous Hearts Assignment
Are you a part of this story? Which person do you act like the most? Many of us have not grown up with love that forgives anything—that is gentle, kind, patient, and understanding. Have you been arrogant, proud, or angry? Perhaps, the love you were given let you down, hurt you, defeated you, lied to you, threatened you, or didn’t protect you. You may have no concept from your earthly homes what a Spirit-filled love looks or feels like. Jesus came in the flesh that we might know God. God is love. Jesus came to be our example and to teach us about love. He came to love us and to let us experience love. The Holy Spirit in you allows you to love like Christ.
I was mean, hard, and stubborn until God transformed my heart. I demanded my own way. Rules were set, and I expected them to be obeyed. All of this was done without love. Christ’s love changed my heart. My children now love me. They respect me and honor me. More importantly, they feel loved by me and are seeking their own close relationship with God.
In an earlier chapter, I told about our first night home from camp when I shared my heart with my family at the restaurant. It was like I had come to a fork in the road. One fork allowed me to continue calling the shots and just keep trying very hard. The other fork in the road let me start walking in a closer relationship with Christ, allowing Him to help me every step of the way. At this juncture, I needed to talk to my family, find out how much they felt loved by me, and share with them that I was in the process of getting my heart healed from God.
I’m now offering you the opportunity to care about your family in the same way.
Try to talk with each person in your immediate family. Invite them to look back into your eyes when you talk with them. Sometimes men and boys find it more difficult to make eye contact, so don’t force them if they’re uncomfortable. Ask them, “How much of the time do you feel loved by me? From 0 to 100 percent, how much of the time?” If they answer the question in any of these three ways—1) Looking away while answering, 2) answering too quickly, or 3) laughing, giggling, or smirking while answering—it’s more than likely they are either finding it difficult to tell you their true feelings, or perhaps they don’t even know their true feelings. These three ways of answering are huge clues that they are unable to go into their heart and answer you truthfully with their emotions engaged. You will need to take a calming breath and start again. Your conversation might go something like this:
“Sam, could you look into my eyes, please (wait patiently)? You’re not in trouble now, nor will you get in trouble for your answers. I’ve been asking God to help me with my family relationships, but first I need to know how we are doing. I would like to know if you really feel loved by me.”
He might answer with a quick, “Sure, Dad. Can I go now?”
Try to hold eye contact. “Not just yet. I need to know how much of the time you feel loved by me. Being loved means that when you talk to me, I will stop what I am doing and listen to you, because you are more important than what I am doing. It means that you know that I’m on your team, and you don’t have to please me or be perfect for me to love you. It means you feel loved and accepted by me just the way you are. It means you don’t feel lonely or feel like you are all alone. From 0 to 100 percent of the time, how often do you feel loved like that from me?”
Be prepared for an honest answer and be courageous enough to encourage them to give you an honest answer. If your relationship is distant, lacking communication or time spent together, be prepared if they answer a very low percentage.
Regardless of the percentage, if it’s not 100 percent, ask them to forgive you for not loving them 100 percent of the time. Share with them that it makes you sad if they feel unloved and alone. Open your heart to them and share that you desire to love them better. Ask them if they can be patient with you while you work it out with God and learn how to love them better, that you would like to be able to love them at 100 percent. Nothing is impossible for God. Ask them how they would feel if you could love them at 100 percent. It’s OK to give them a hug if you and they are comfortable with that. In fact, they might even love a hug from you.
If you are feeling discouraged or overwhelmed because people in your family are not feeling loved by you, would you pray this prayer, Jesus, will you encourage me right now. Will you help me to continue to seek out your truths in the upcoming chapters and fill my heart with your love that I might be able to love my family better? Remember, you’re seeking truth and love, not only for your benefit, but also for your whole family.
One exercise that Steve and I practice with each other is this: We sit in a chair facing each other to encourage eye contact. We hold hands and ask questions of each other. One of our sessions went something like this:
Steve: I was wondering if I ever make you feel left out or rejected.
Sherilyn: Sometimes.
Steve: When do you feel that way?
We answer questions for a while in this safe setting. We learn about each other. We are vulnerable, but relaxed. Our questions create a feeling of one person caring about the other. Heart questions are not meant to make one person be defensive or force them to protect themselves.
Steve: Would you like to feel loved by me every day?
Sherilyn: Yes.
Steve: What would that feel like to you?
Sherilyn: Awesome. Not lonely. Safe.
Steve: I’d like to love you that way. I’m asking Jesus to help me learn how. Can you be patient with me while I learn to do that with His help?
Sherilyn: Yes.
Sherilyn (now asking the questions): Is this scary for you?
Steve: Yes.
Sherilyn: Why is this scary for you?
Steve: I don’t like failing. I’m afraid I won’t know what I am doing and I’ll let you down.
Sherilyn: What if I could promise not to hold your mistakes against you? Would you like that?
Steve: Yes.
Sherilyn: Were you ever afraid of doing something wrong or getting in trouble when you failed?
Steve: I suppose.
Sherilyn: Could you share what you are thinking about?
Steve looks away and breaks eye contact—obviously, there’s something on his mind. I squeeze his hands gently to bring him back.
Sherilyn: Can you look at me? I’m here for you. I’m not going away. I know this is difficult, but I don’t want you to feel like a failure or be afraid of failing for the rest of your life. Can you share your hurt with me? Maybe I can help.
Steve: When I was a senior in our little high school, I competed for and was chosen to go to the Colorado State Honor Band. It was a high honor. All the best musicians from all over Colorado gathered in Greeley. During one rehearsal, each player in my section tried to play a particularly difficult part alone in front of the entire band, and I didn’t do it perfectly. The conductor singled me out in front of everyone and said, “Don’t play that part during the concert.” I was so humiliated.
(I wanted to go and slap the conductor several times right in the face! I was so angry at him for hurting my husband that I almost forgot to care about Steve’s heart!) Calming down, I asked, “How did that make you feel?”
Steve: I was humiliated in front of all my peers. I felt like a failure. I was hurt and shamed. I wanted to quit the camp and go home, but I had no way to do that. I was disappointed in the conductor who I knew and who I thought was also a friend. It ruined our relationship. I was confused. I don’t know why he treated me that way. I thought I played the part well enough and knew I was capable.
(Steve could feel the old hurts and was in his heart.)
Sherilyn: What he did was wrong and insensitive. I don’t think he deserves to be forgiven, but actually none of us deserves to be forgiven of anything. I’m so sorry he humiliated you that day. I’m even more sorry that you have lived in fear of failing for thirty years. Do you think you could forgive him for shaming you and making you afraid of failure?
Steve: Yes.
Steve and I then worked through the forgiveness prayer.
This stronghold was discovered by just talking and asking questions. I encourage you to try it.
When we first started caring about each other’s hearts this way, it was quite uncomfortable. I would write down every heart question I heard while in training. It was like a foreign language to me. I would select a few questions to ask Steve. We agreed to talk like this frequently for thirty days. After a few days, it wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable or scary. As my heart began to feel and function under Christ’s direction, heart questions became less foreign and became a familiar language.
We still talk to each other’s hearts when needed, but it is now more natural and spontaneous. To help you ask heart questions, you can find some examples in Appendix G at the end of this book.
Once we let Jesus free us of a stronghold and have confessed to each other our fears and sins done to us and cultivated by us, we become free from the enemy’s hold on us. After we are free from the pain and the enemy’s influence, we can truly care about others.
If you would like to really experience this for yourself, ask yourself these two questions:
1. Do I really like myself?
2. Do I enjoy and cherish my relationships?
If you answered no to either of these questions, don’t be discouraged. In the next several chapters, we are going to learn how to trust more deeply, learn to love like Christ, and begin to focus more on eternal things. Where does inner joy and peace come from? Peace comes from trusting Christ:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6-7).