Chapter 4

Having Everything, Yet Having Nothing

“My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins” (Ps. 25:15-18).

Third, Fourth, and Last Day of Camp

On the first evening of camp, we signed up for counseling and we took the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis® Profile test. Today was our day to hear the results.

Steve and I met with our counselor for three hours. We shared with him how Steve led me in a prayer the previous evening to forgive my dad from my heart. We asked some questions, and then he shared the test results with us.

The results were not pretty. The test simply measured different aspects of a person’s character that enabled them to give and receive love. The test didn’t account for all of our service in the church, our attendance, or how much we knew. There were no results or points given for college degrees, financial stewardship, or how we sacrificed to pay for ice hockey and viola lessons. We didn’t get any extra credit for dreaming up creative house rules, teaching our boys good values, or giving them food, clothing, and a nice roof over their heads. I didn’t even earn bonus points for my hard work supporting Dan in Boy Scouts so he could be an Eagle Scout! Not one thing was said about cooking, cleaning, being a taxi driver, or the thousand other things that parents do. We were rated on our ability to love—nothing else.

Some verses in 1 Corinthians 13:2-7 came to my mind. “If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

I knew I was in trouble. I measured love by all the things I did for my family and by how many things I bought for them. According to my calculations, I was a great Mom and my sons and sometimes even my husband were ungrateful, disrespectful, mean, selfish, and very insensitive.

No wonder they got angry at me. They didn’t feel loved, and I was blaming them for it.

In the next few minutes, I learned that I was controlling at 99 percent and angry at 99 percent and that I was virtually unable to express love. The boys’ tests revealed that I could love only at 2 percent. Steve’s test showed I could love at a whopping 4 percent. The results showed that I was nervous, unorganized, unsympathetic, and insensitive. I didn’t sound like a very nice person at all.

I remember thinking, Then what good am I if I can’t love? I was so low emotionally that part of me wanted to just give up. At this low moment, I paused and decided that I was still committed to listening and working this out with God even though I was very confused and discouraged. My commitment to God sustained me. I was committed to listen to Him, respond to Him, and follow where He led me.

The counselor began to explain how my sons felt when I controlled everything in their lives and corrected them without love. He said, “Adam has never felt loved by you. He is very angry and nervous. He is depressed, hostile at 99 percent, and he also cannot express love.” Adam’s scores were almost identical to mine except he got more depressed than I did. That was because I had learned to get tough and was more capable of hardening my heart to feelings.

The counselor continued, “He will only keep getting angrier until he leaves home.”

Next, he revealed Dan’s results. “Dan is disorganized, extremely depressed, and nervous at 89 percent. He is also angry at 99 percent, except he holds it all inside.”

Steve and I were shocked to hear that Dan was as angry as Adam. How could Dan be that angry and we didn’t even know it? He has always been so polite, compliant, talented, and easy to get along with.

The counselor continued, “He is very self-absorbed by his own emotional pain and has become passive and compliant. It sounds like he is often put in the middle to solve conflict.” He is the family peacemaker.

I thought to myself, The compliant and peacemaker part is good.

I explained to the counselor, “Dan does “A+” homework and then forgets to hand it in. He even forgets important concerts and swimming meets that he was to participate in.”

When Dan was three years old, he would make his bed every day all by himself. Now his room was so messy it was unhealthy.

After recovering from the initial shock, I admitted that I agreed with these test results. I also agreed that Dan was very nervous. His most obvious symptoms were clearing his throat every few seconds and blinking his eyes rapidly nonstop.

The counselor continued, “Dan lets you dominate and control him. He feels a tremendous amount of pressure when you force him to listen to you discuss family conflict. Perhaps he’s compliant because he has seen the trouble Adam gets into. Dan hates to be controlled by you—the problem is that he lets you do it to him over and over, and he hates himself all the more for letting you. He stuffs everything inside and doesn’t talk about it. He can’t get his ducks in a row because of all the inner turmoil going on inside.”

Then he lowered the axe. “Dan is like a teapot with a plugged-up spout. The angrier he becomes at you and himself, the more the inner steam builds. There is no way for the steam to escape, and eventually, it will blow up. In other words, it isn’t a question of ‘will Dan commit suicide,’ but a question of ‘when.’”

We were shocked! My heart sank to the floor and bounced back to my chest knocking the air out of my lungs. I had never considered the possibility of one of my children killing themselves. I forgot about focusing on what a failure I was as a mom. I forgot about my confusion and my desire to throw my hands up and quit. I shifted my focus to the counselor with a renewed desire to listen.

He had our undivided attention. I had never understood why so many young high achievers committed suicide with so much to live for. I’m not suggesting that if you have a “straight-A” student, they are going to commit suicide. The reason Dan was not happy was because I put him under a lot of pressure to perform. He was in serious trouble. He felt hated by Adam and unloved by me. Every day was a living hell for him.

I felt no need to argue about any of this with the counselor. It was time for me to listen to God speak to my heart, and I needed to ask Him for help. For the first time in my life, I began to see how my boys’ reactions of anger, disrespect, withdrawal, selfishness, and defiance were connected to my anger and actions of control and manipulation.

Adam was the one who made it obvious that my family and I needed help, but once I found out about Dan’s depressed state, it was he who motivated me to never turn back.

I began to see the connections between the strongholds in my life and how I acted toward my family. I had a pretty clear picture now of how the boys were reacting to my lack of love. Sure, I put 100 percent effort (from my flesh) into my family. The church and school—the outside world—saw me as a great mom, but if my sons didn’t feel loved by me, then something was broken. I was relying on flesh patterns formed from my hidden pain to meet my family’s and my own needs. My efforts didn’t look anything like love, and it certainly didn’t feel like love to them. It just felt like control and manipulation by me to get what I wanted. No wonder they didn’t appreciate all my efforts!

I once heard, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That often described my flesh patterns. I had given motherhood my very best (flesh) effort, and it was a major disaster. Somehow, things needed to change. I still didn’t know what all my strongholds were, but I was sure going to find out and get free of them. I already wanted to change, but as I considered Dan and Adam, this desire became greatly magnified. My decision to change became a major turning point in my life. I didn’t know it yet, but even getting rid of the one stronghold about my dad the previous night would also resolve and heal some major additional issues in relationships with my family.

Our counseling session continued.

The counselor suggested that we not have any house rules for thirty days. Our boys were fourteen and fifteen at this time.

“None?” I remarked, but thought, Has he lost his ever-lovin’ mind? “We need some rules, don’t you think?” I responded meekly.

“No. I would like to suggest that you throw out all the rules for thirty days. Your sons are old enough to know right from wrong. This is a great age to let them decide things for themselves and make their own mistakes. At least while they make mistakes, you will be there for them. Thirty days will provide a little stress relief.”

Thirty days of no rules. I’m going to need to pray about that one, I thought.

Next, he started telling me about my husband and how he responded to me. Steve was often depressed and nervous. His results showed he was able to love at a higher level than me, about 28 percent. He was also much higher than me in self-discipline and only angry about 78 percent compared to my 99 percent.

Still, I was surprised to hear his anger was that high. He rarely ever showed his anger. The test revealed he was more fair-minded, reasonable, and logical than me, but he was more introverted, quiet, and not as socially active.

I’m thinking, So what! We’re all different. Steve and I are very different, but who cares? And what does all this mean anyway, except that we’re different?

“In other words,” the counselor continued, “when you pressure and control him, he feels it and becomes nervous and depressed and angry when he can’t live up to your expectations. He doesn’t feel loved by you.”

Red Flag! Red Flag!

“Wait a minute!” I said forcefully while leaning forward in my chair and pointing at him (a flesh pattern I had cultivated to perfection to intimidate my foe). “I’ll admit that the boys probably don’t feel loved by me, but Steve does. You can’t tell me I don’t love him because I do!”

He asked Steve and me to turn our chairs so we faced each other. He asked us to hold hands, and look into each other’s eyes. We were to continue looking into each other’s eyes as we asked and answered some questions. He explained that our eyes are windows to our heart. The counselor would ask the question, and one of us would repeat the question to our spouse and wait for an answer.

We first asked each other if we cared that the boys couldn’t feel loved by us, if we desired to love them better, etc. After a few more fairly safe questions like those, the counselor had Steve start by asking the following questions:

(I thought that was honest. I didn’t feel Steve made as much of an effort to love me as I did to him. I actually believed I felt loved by him a little more than that, but I wanted to leave room for his answer to the same question of 80-90 percent.)

Sherilyn: How much of the time do you feel loved by me?

Steve: About 20 percent.

For a moment, I was really mad at the counselor. I thought, This must be a guy thing. Somehow he made Steve answer 20 percent. I wanted to defend myself, but how can you argue with a person’s feelings? Steve really did feel loved by me only 20 percent of the time.

Following my display of anger to the counselor, I think Steve was probably a bit nervous when he answered, “About 20 percent.” Looking back, I realize how brave he was to answer the truth. This truthful answer probably saved our family.

Later that afternoon, after I had time to think, I realized that Steve had never lied to me and wasn’t lying to me now. He was just being his thoughtful and logical self. I had just learned that Adam was in a rage, Dan could very possibly be suicidal, and Steve was depressed and didn’t feel much love from me. If ever there was a time for me to admit the truth and be willing to let God change me, this was it.

Alone that afternoon, I prayed, God, will you help me love my husband 80 percent more and my children 98 percent more? I had been working very hard to love by serving, lecturing, and training. But something was wrong if they didn’t feel my love. I kept hearing the counselor’s words: “In other words, if you aren’t willing to change and stop controlling them, you are going to lose a son.” I’m not sure I could ever say those exact words to someone in a counseling session. It was pretty direct, but God used it and I needed to hear it. I continued praying, God, could you show me what love is? I don’t think I know what love looks like.

Adam showed me my need to change, but Dan was my motivation. I decided to be courageous and never give up on this new journey to get free of the enemy’s influence in my heart and my life. I didn’t fully understand everything, but I was thoroughly convinced of the truth of what I was learning. My past hidden pain had formed strongholds in my heart that caused me to be angry and try to control others. The enemy was lying to me and influencing me, causing me to actually destroy my family with my domineering personality and my need to control.

For the rest of the week at camp, I really listened carefully. Anytime something was discussed that reminded me of something from my past, I wrote it down. Each session discussed another area of sin that the enemy used to entrap and defeat people, causing destruction to their lives and their relationships. Here are some of the things I learned that week:

• In the first session, I realized that I was bitter and unforgiving toward my parents.

• Another session focused on temporal values. I didn’t even know what “temporal” meant until Steve explained. “It is anything that has only temporary value as opposed to eternal value. You have a temporal-value problem if your focus is on buying things, money, or climbing the corporate ladder. A temporal-value problem causes a person to focus on their wants, desires, or goals more than on what God wants for them. Their goals are based on worldly values. Excessive food, sports, and entertainment can be temporal values or even excessive housecleaning (I wished I had that one).”

I learned you can’t put God first if you have a temporal-value problem. It can also keep you from understanding God’s Word and can cause you financial problems. Your family will not feel loved by you. They will always feel like your job or your activities or things are more important than they are. I recognized that I had these issues, too.

• Steve and I learned that a moral failure problem can cause financial difficulties. We also learned that if a person was involved in some form of moral failure, they could not be emotionally connected to their spouse or God. People can rationalize that pornography has no effect on others, but that is false. Pornography emotionally disconnects you from your relationships.

• One session was on pride. I never thought that I was prideful, but it was obvious when the teacher said that another word describing pride is “control.” Pride reveals itself when we try to control people and situations. Now I understand why God opposes a prideful person (Prov. 3:34, James 4:6), because that person wants to be in control independently from God.

• We learned a rebellious person will resent correction and guidance and often reject it. People raised in a home where they were controlled and told what to do will often rebel. It is a natural response to being overcontrolled. However, when the enemy gets ground through a rebellious heart, he can influence this person to do the opposite of what God desires for him or what is good for him, and it can lead to disaster.

I accepted that I had many of these problems. All that week, I wrote down those areas where I struggled and reflected on my childhood. At the end of the week, I admitted that I had spent most of my life hating my mother. I focused on all her imperfections, cruelty, and broken promises. I felt justified in judging her as a mean, heartless woman, because her actions proved her as such. Without love, she offered nothing.

I had learned that week that my acts of love weren’t showing love at all. When those acts were stripped away, I too had nothing to offer. My actions to my kids were mean, cruel at times, controlling, and manipulative. I shamefully admitted my failures to God. I hated what I had become. My greatest fear in my life had become a reality. It was the most shocking revelation I ever had to face. I was everything that I hated and feared the most. I had become just like my mother. In some ways, I decided I was even worse.

I sat there during the last evening service with a heavy heart. If I didn’t let God show me what was in my heart and help me change, I was going to lose my boys’ hearts—maybe lose Daniel entirely. Even more, if I didn’t change and let God restore the relationships in my own family, my children would one day parent their children in the same way—destroying the hearts of my grandchildren.

Steve and I talked for a long time after the last service. Something was coming alive in me. For the first time, I could see and understand the harm caused by my controlling ways. It had damaged and was slowly killing the spirits of all three of the guys in my family. “I don’t want to control anymore. Not ever!” I explained to him. “This isn’t another self-improvement plan or another new item on my to-do list. I feel something different—relaxing—inside of me. I feel like giving up my desire to control. When the thirty days are up, I want the boys to continue to make their own choices. I’ve bossed them and lectured them enough for the next twenty years. Besides, it isn’t working anyway.”

Steve agreed. We decided to attempt to remove all the rules and let the boys make their own decisions from then on.

If you think it’s your turn to now say “Red Flag!” let me explain further. Yes, we had curfew “guidelines,” but it was up to the boys to come home on time. If they were pulled over by the police, they would have to go through any legal disciplinary action, but we would be right beside them for support. If they were too tired to go to school and their grades suffered, it was their responsibility and their education. I’m not trying to convince you that what we did is right or wrong for our own children. We did meet with disapproval from others, but we still decided it was the best thing for our teenagers. In the next couple of chapters, you will see the positive results in our family from this decision.

During the last morning farewell session at camp, several people shared how God had personally met them during the week. I shared that I hated my mother with a passion and never thought I could forgive her for all the hurt and pain she had caused me in my life. I had planned to cremate her and toss her ashes into the dump even though she didn’t want to be cremated. I explained, “I learned this week that I am just like my mother. My sons hate me and I act like I hate them, and if I don’t allow God to help me love them better, they too will be planning a funeral for me in the dump.” I shared how I was able to forgive my mom and dad from my heart. I said, “This time, I know it’s from my heart because I feel genuine love for them. My father died four years ago, but I can’t wait to go home and see my mom and give her a hug. And as God shows me what is in my heart, I told Him I’m committed to letting Him take back my strongholds because I want my family to feel loved by me.”

Seven weeks later, I flew home to California and gave my mom that hug and told her I loved her. It was the first time in my life that I had looked forward to going home, and it was also the first time I remembered feeling any kind of affection for her. We visited for four days and never argued once. I enjoyed my time with her, and I was able to love her just for who she was.

A great part of this forgiveness process is that you don’t have to confront anyone. I didn’t need to hurt my mom by bringing up a lot of past hurts, reminding her of her failures, and making her say she was sorry. I just forgave her, and she didn’t have to change for me.

Eight months later, my mother was placed in an Alzheimer’s ward. I visited her there several times over the next three years. She always recognized me, and I was always able to feel love for her. I actually cried when I left her for the last time. It was time to say good-bye. She died nine months later. My family buried her next to my dad after a small, quiet ceremony. She was not cremated.

I do wish she could have been a sweet loving mother that was fun to be with, but she wasn’t. I learned at camp she didn’t have to deserve forgiveness or earn my love. I was just able to forgive and love her just the way she was because God was healing and changing my heart.

When I forgave my mom and dad, I had no idea how the inner healing of my heart would soon result in some dramatic, positive, and immediate changes in my family.

End of Camp

It was time to pack and time to work together as a family. This was when we always had a family fight in the past. Every year, our kids would not want to help. We would lock horns and make them help anyway.

As we started to pack, both boys ran in and asked if they could spend time with new friends and pack later. Instead of our usual “pack now and play later” attitude, we very casually said, “Go ahead and visit and we’ll put your stuff in the car. We’ll see you at noon in the cafeteria.”

Noon came with another request. Adam asked if a friend could ride home with us for five hours in the car.

“Sure.”

After we made it home, many hours later, I realized that I hadn’t even noticed or thought about the noise level in the car that usually stressed me out so much. We got all the way home with no fights. Just the year before, I had kicked Adam out of the car on Interstate I-80 for making too much noise and had made my thirteen-year-old walk several miles on the freeway (Ouch!).

At the close of camp each year, we had usually joined several other families at a local minirace-car track and bumper-boat amusement park before driving home. I would usually go next door to an awesome indoor flea market and shop for antiques for a couple hours while everyone else raced cars and played. I loved shopping, there and it was an important highlight of the week for me each year.

This year, however, after meeting other families at the fun park, we all spent two hours screaming, splashing each other, and having a blast. The boys asked me to ride the bumper boats twice with them. After we had driven a hundred miles toward home, I realized I had forgotten to go to the flea market and shop. This was absolutely unheard-of and quite unbelievable. Steve knew how special it was for me and actually offered to go back or stop somewhere else.

I smiled when I realized I didn’t need to shop. I enjoyed being with my family and never even thought about shopping when we were all having fun together. God was alive in me, and the power of His love was changing me!

Reflections: Chapter 4

About ten years ago, I saw my first Magic-Eye® 3-D picture. If you aren’t familiar with that type of picture, it is a print of millions of colored dots. If you look at it in just the right way, you see a hidden picture. Steve and the boys were looking at one of these pictures and commenting on what an awesome picture it was. “This is really cool!” Dan exclaimed. I stared at the picture, realizing I must be missing something. To me, it just looked like a print with thousands of colored dots. I didn’t see a picture. It seemed stupid to me. All I could see were the dots.

They explained to me that I needed to view the print differently. I needed to stop focusing on the dots and look beyond them to see the real picture. “Look into the picture—past the dots,” Dan said.

I kept trying, but I told them all I saw was dots.

Dan instructed, “Mom, ignore the dots! Try to look for a picture past the dots and through the paper.”

I looked past the dots and slowly entered a three-dimensional, wonderful scene of three hearts floating in air. I could finally see the real 3-D picture.

The dots had everything to do with the picture, but they were unrelated with the real 3-D picture. When I focused on the dots, the real beauty of the picture was hidden from view.

Our lives are the same. Evidence is all around us, testifying how we are using our flesh patterns to meet our needs independently from God. As people in our relationships react to our actions, they respond, using their flesh patterns. Imperfections, moments of selfishness, acts of impatience, anger, disappointments in life, acts of correction, fixing, etc., show up as “dots” in our lives. The picture of our life is filled with millions of dots. Sometimes, we cause some of these dots, and sometimes, others cause them. Some dots are caused just because “life happens.”

People don’t feel loved when flesh patterns are used, causing all these dots. All these actions and reactions are evidences—they are the millions of dots in our life picture.

In “My Story,” the dots in Dan’s life were determined to be things like nervous habits, lack of organizational skills, quiet sullen periods of depression, dirty room, no desire to work, etc. Adam’s dots were outward rage, loud-voiced demands, being critical of others, demanding behavior, outbreaks in classrooms, also no desire to work, etc.

The counselor gave a very good suggestion to do away with all rules. However, if I had just gone home and obediently and willfully tried, in my own strength, to accomplish that, my sons would not have felt loved by me. I would never have made it thirty days without everything blowing up. I would have been the one doing it and just attempting “another” method of fixing things. My efforts would have become more dots on my life. Those actions, those dots, would have looked rigidly controlled and self-righteous while all the time, I would have been inwardly fuming. My sons would never have felt loved from this new effort.

Instead, I had prayed and asked God to help me love them better. God laid it on my heart to release my control and let my sons start making their own decisions. This allowed me to see beyond their imperfections (the dots) and really see their heart. They felt loved when I cared about them instead of demanding results. I listened to them, asked questions, and respected their decisions instead of telling them what to do. They began to feel loved as Christ loved them through me.

In order to see God’s design and His picture of someone else’s life, we need to look beyond the dots—to be willing to look at their life differently. When we are unable to look beyond their faults, we must consider the fact that something is broken in our own heart. We are not letting Jesus love them through us when we are focused on their faults.

When we focus on the dots—the evidences—in our hurting relationships, we only see the imperfections, the selfishness, and the reasons to blame others or reasons to feel badly about ourselves. Life seems so confusing, and our problems seem to multiply. We often maintain a long list of wrongs done to us. We become bitter and disillusioned and withdraw from our relationships—we experience isolation. As we try to cope with our deteriorating relationships, we naturally use even more flesh patterns. Yet the Bible teaches that “those who are in the flesh cannot please God” (Rom. 8:8 NASB). Walking in the flesh is sin.

God has designed relationships to fulfill a deep inner need built into each person. It is through these interactive relationships, however, that evidences of a damaged heart are revealed. God can use the actions and reactions (the dots) evident in a relationship to make us aware of an inner-heart problem.

In the next few chapters, we will discover ways to uncover our core inner-heart problems.

One way to examine the evidence in our lives is to simply use our five senses. Our senses can help us see the dots, and then we can look past them to try to find what is in our heart causing the problem.

Using our five senses to find evidences of inner-heart problems or strongholds

God created us with five senses of sight, touch, taste, smell, and hearing. We can use each of these senses to detect evidence of the hidden pain and sin in our heart that have grown into strongholds. I would like to share some examples for clarification.

Hearing

A young lady heard throughout her childhood that she was overweight and would never get a young man to love her unless she got serious and lost her weight. She became bulimic with serious physical side effects. With a lot of therapy, she’s now able to lead a “normal” life (according to American culture). She thinks she’s just fine, even though she spends a lot of time, energy, and money on her looks. Her nails are perfect, her body is thin, tanned, and usually draped in lovely, sensual clothing.

Each time she gets a compliment, it’s a huge deal to her. Inside her heart, she doesn’t feel thin or pretty, but if others say so, she must be doing the “pretty thing” correctly. Therefore, she continues her major efforts to look beautiful, even though deep inside she feels fat and ugly. Her need is to be noticed, accepted, and to feel valued and loved by someone.

Satan uses the hidden pain to confuse her and lie to her. She has learned to base her value and acceptance on her external appearance, which is a poor substitute for complete acceptance of oneself. She will never hear enough compliments to meet all her needs. Her unfulfilled needs could lead to affairs and other problems. She may struggle secretly with her eating disorder if she doesn’t allow God to lead her back to her hidden pain and allow God to transform her heart.

God sees her as a lovely person even if she weighed three hundred pounds. She also doesn’t realize she is causing problems at church with her sensual dress.

Sight

Satan uses this same woman’s flesh pattern of relying on her appearance to distract men at church. Her revealing dress triggers men’s flesh patterns. If they aren’t on guard and protect their hearts by removing themselves from the situation, Satan will trigger their thoughts toward old habits of pornography or lust. Her intent is not to cause others to sin at church, but Satan often uses one person’s actions to trigger another person’s flesh reaction.

Smell

A wife slept peacefully in her bed. Her husband bought a new brand of aftershave lotion and was anxious to crawl in bed and gently wake her. The moment she became aware of the smell, she became violent. She scratched and kicked him and screamed bloody murder. He didn’t know it, but the smell triggered a hidden memory of her rapist years before who wore the same aftershave lotion.

Touch

During my sophomore year of Bible college a young man came up behind me and, in fun, gave my neck a squeeze. Without thinking, I swung my books back over my head and bashed him in his head as hard as I could. I gave him a concussion!

At the time, I had no idea why I did that. It was simply a reaction, and I didn’t have time to think. Now, I know that when he touched my neck, it triggered my fear of having a knife held to my throat. I reacted violently and without thought.

Taste

A mother forced her eight-year-old daughter to eat her green beans at dinner. She spent the rest of the night throwing up—only to be forced to eat green beans again and again, whenever they were served.

As an adult visiting with friends, at dinner, she noticed the green beans on the table. Her stomach tightened and even felt sick. She ate very little that night and rarely visited after that.

A woman is driven to lose weight and look pretty, a man at church struggles with impure thoughts, a woman fights her husband because he smells differently, a friend receives a concussion over an affectionate touch, and an adult is sick when a hostess serves green beans. Do you see anyone ROCKing?

Without evidences like these, it is difficult to follow the trail back to the crime (the sin done to us). If we stay focused on the evidence or the dots, we only see acts like a woman driven to be beautiful, a man focused on porn, a crazy woman beating her husband, an abusive college student, etc.

Just like a detective at a crime scene or a reporter digging into a story, you can ask who, what, when, where, and why questions to get deeper meaning. When did you first feel fat? Did anyone say anything to you? What did they say? How did that make you feel? Questions like that will lead back to the beginning of the problem.

Evidence shows how and when we walk in the flesh—where we alone are responsible for our actions. Evidence is important because it helps us realize our need for help, and it can lead us back to our hidden pain to where we can deal with the strongholds that produce these evidences.

How pain in our hearts affects us and our relationships

Pain in our heart causes us to react abnormally in many areas: emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. The results cause distant, hurting, or lonely relationships. I’ll touch on a few of the areas and show how evidence manifests itself.

Emotionally

A person can cry on the outside or secretly inside. Crying is meant to have a purpose, but a red flag should appear if someone cries all the time.

Also, the complete lack of a normal emotional response is often overlooked. If you (male or female) don’t ever cry and don’t allow yourself to “go there,” this is evidence of an inner-heart problem.

Anger, fear, and vengeful thoughts of getting even are all evidence of inner-heart problems.

These are just a few examples—the tip of the iceberg. We each need to examine our emotional responses or the lack of them. Ask your family if your emotional responses help them to feel loved or unloved. Consider their answers and pray about it.

Spiritually

Some teachers and pastors place more emphasis on knowledge than showing love. When scripture is preached from the pulpit without love, it can become spiritual abuse. Parents can unlovingly pressure their children in their spiritual growth, and the evidence can often be seen in a rebellious teen who hates church. There are many ways children and adults can be devastated by people in the church, all in the name of Jesus.

Inner-heart problems can affect the way you understand and view scripture. Some people find it difficult to understand scripture because of double standards they witness. An inner-heart problem can even convince you that you are interpreting scripture correctly when you are way off base.

Physically

There are physical evidences of strongholds other than an excessive focus on our physical abilities or our appearance.

The world has quick fixes for pain in the form of drugs: Got a problem, take a pill. I also take pills when I need them, and I’m not telling anyone to stop taking necessary medicines. I’m just asking you to consider whether your physical problems might lead you to hidden problems inside.

Stress, for instance, can cause headaches, muscle tension and pain, back problems, neck problems, etc. Also, men take Viagra® because of impotence. Some of them may indeed have a physical problem, but in my opinion, it’s probably a low percentage. If men would bring their heart before God and conquer their hidden hurts and let God heal their heart, I think many would be extremely surprised how their intimate lives and relationships would flourish.

Homosexuality: I have several close friends who were once in lesbian relationships. Every homosexual I have known was either sexually abused or witnessed an unnatural act of sexual abuse sometime in their life. Satan has used this to confuse them, hurt them, and distort their hearts and minds. In my friends’ cases, they were not born homosexual. Homosexuality is the evidence of hidden pain in their hearts that the enemy uses to feed them with lies. Satan’s influence triggers flesh patterns and decisions on their part for a sexual preference other than the one God intends for them. As Christians, we need to love the person involved in homosexual activity. When given an opportunity, we need to see past their sexual preference and care about their heart. God loves them right where they are, and He commands us to love one another. I think that is why God tells us not to judge one another. Life gets less confusing when we remember that Satan’s lies lead people to sin.

Mentally

The enemy feeds us lies through our own thoughts (he does this in first-person “I” thoughts rather than accusing us in second person “you”). This can be very destructive to us if we listen (and we certainly do listen!). Satan also takes advantage of life’s busyness, pressures and stresses, illnesses and accidents, etc., to confuse us. Feeling pressured and stressed causes confusion and the inability to think straight. Inner-heart problems mentally keep us off balance. That is often why it is difficult for some people to finish a job or task. Its why teenagers’ and adults’ bedrooms and houses become filthy. And why people become distracted and constantly lose keys, purses, and other things. If we mentally slip during moments of pressure, stress, and busy schedules, this can be evidence of strongholds in our hearts.

Depression and other mental problems are often caused by problems in the heart. Wouldn’t it be exciting to let God heal your heart and free you from mental problems like depression?

Recognizing evidence is a good thing. Satan wants us to believe it is bad. He wants us to try to hide our problems. He wants us to believe we have our lives completely under control—to believe we can rise above our addictions and imperfections. Our problem is we think we are OK—it’s just the other person who can’t seem to get their act together (when you point your finger at the other person’s dot, notice how three of your fingers are pointing back at you and your own dots). When we’re so caught up staring at the evidences (the dots), we don’t realize we need to look beyond the dots in other’s lives and our own lives and try to see our hearts as God sees them in order to get free of the pain inside. We fail to recognize repetitive problems and true sources of arguments. So, we go share our frustrations with a friend, who agrees with us. Then, with confidence, we go back to our spouse or child and point out five more of his or her dots. The fight is on! All their evidences lock horns with all of our evidences. We either defend ourselves or go on the offense and accuse. The goal is to prove our point and cast blame anywhere but on ourselves.

The enemy is not our spouse or child, but Satan. If you are caught in this pattern, Satan is winning the battle. If one of you thinks you have won the battle, you are wrong. You both lost, people you love lost, and only Satan won.

If you search on the Internet for “bull terrier and porcupine fight,” you should find an amazing picture of a bull terrier that fought with a porcupine. I think this is what some relationships and marriages look like after many fights. Did the bull terrier win and at what cost? Our relationships are the same—only we should be smart enough to recognize that no one wins.

I once heard about two massive bull elks fighting. They literally locked horns, could not get apart, and ended up dying as a result. The hunter who found them didn’t know what they were fighting over. What caused the fight no longer mattered. The evidence of the fight was that their horns were locked, and they were dead.

Regardless of whether you are the person committing unloving acts or the person noticing them and reacting, you are both sinning and it will destroy your relationship. If you are noticing the other person’s wrongs and pointing them out in love, then the person you are correcting should feel loved. Ask them if they feel loved. If the answer is no, then the enemy has distorted your view of love. That view of love probably does not align with God’s definition of love in 1 Corinthians, chapter 13.

Someone recently pointed out to me that no one can really love the way it is explained in 1 Corinthians 13. That is true and exactly what Christ wants each and every one of us to realize. We can’t do it, and we need to stop trying in our own strength. Only when we get rid of enemy-influenced strongholds and give that ground of our heart to Jesus for His control, can Christ love others through us—then we can love as shown in 1 Corinthians 13. Through Christ alone it can be done on a regular basis through the empowering of the Holy Spirit in our heart and lives.

So far we have learned that we can use all of our senses to discover evidence of hidden damage in many areas of our lives. We’ve learned how these evidences affect our lives emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. The evidences we usually focus on first are the obvious ones: hitting, rage, cussing, drugs, eating disorders, and addictions, etc. However, I believe there are many evidences in our lives that are quiet, unseen, unspoken, and subtle and just as damaging to relationships. These quiet, unnoticed flesh patterns are often overlooked because these evidences are often our successes in life, such as climbing the corporate ladder, making lots of money, being the toughest or smartest person around, etc. These are rarely addressed, and we learn to just live with them, overlook them, or ignore them altogether. If these successes can be achieved while walking in the Spirit, there is a balance to life and others around us will feel loved. If they are done in the flesh, others will feel unloved and feel unimportant. Life is out of balance when people around you look unhappy, fearful, sullen, lonely, withdrawn, or angry. Ask yourself, “Do they openly talk to me and share their life with me?”

Most people just accept these evidences in their lives as their personality—their comfort zone. How sad to accept this as a way of life and never get victory over these quiet battles that engulf us as the enemy damages and destroys our relationships!

The key to determine whether you are walking in the Spirit versus walking in the flesh is to examine your relationships during any activity. Is anyone around you feeling unloved or unimportant while you engage in certain activities? Do they feel left out? Is your life out of balance because of this activity? Is your behavior revealing that this activity is too important or over the line of normal behavior? Could this activity be another busy excuse to keep you from focusing on your deteriorating relationships?

Let’s look hard for evidences in some types of activities that may look good.

Work

Work is necessary and can be accomplished while maintaining a balance in a person’s life, family, and in his or her relationship with God. We understand how people can be trapped by the time pressure of work. We also know what workaholics look like and how they justify their busyness. When work is done totally in the flesh, it can go beyond temporarily having to overwork. Overworking becomes a way of life and can often be an escape. A workaholic can’t relax even at home away from work. He or she often brings work home. If they are not working on work from the office, they often constantly move from one project to another at home—always busy and rarely slowing down to enjoy close relationships. Family members don’t feel loved or important. Loneliness becomes a way of life. They work harder to ignore the loneliness and never slow down long enough to discover the truth.

I have seen people spend years building and remodeling a house to make it the perfect home. They work nonstop with a passion. They build a beautiful home only to find it is just a house made of wood and rock if love is not expressed within the walls.

The kids feel lonely, unloved, and unimportant. In time, the kids leave home, damaged from emotionally detached parents. When it becomes too painful for the parents to live separate and lonely lives under the same roof, divorce happens. Don’t be deceived and think it could never happen to you. The dream house becomes another house for sale and the family’s relationships are strained and distant.

Reading Books

Reading is a pleasure I now enjoy. It is a wonderful way to relax, be entertained, and learn. However, reading books nonstop while avoiding housework or other responsibilities is probably a flesh pattern. If you can’t lay a book aside (even the Bible) at a moment’s notice to engage in relational fun activities or needs with your family, then something is broken inside your heart.

Constantly reading alone in a room to avoid interacting with family shows evidence of an inner-heart problem. Perhaps, you read because you are lonely and your relationship with your husband or wife is distant and disconnected.

Nervous Behavior

Blinking eyes, clearing the throat, biting nails, washing hands, pulling out an unwanted hair are all normal activities. However, when you excessively repeat a nervous habit, it is evidence of strongholds present in the heart. There are hundreds of nervous habits that show a person’s inner-heart problem. We need to just slow down long enough to look for them. Pulling your hair out in great chunks or stripping your eyebrows bare without realizing it is a clue. Washing your hands sixty times a day shows an inner-heart problem.

This person may feel anxiety, fears, pressures, along with various other unwanted feelings like anger, frustration, and being trapped or controlled. It is highly possible that they do not feel loved, accepted, or understood.

Unwillingness to Join a Club or Small Group

Anyone can reason that we need to protect our daily family schedules and keep our activities to a minimum. However, if a person is unusually uncomfortable in a group setting, refuses to ever join in, or refrains from leaving their home to join an activity, then something in their heart may be causing this.

Intimacy

God created us to fully enjoy closeness with our spouse. He created a sex drive in us that needs to be fulfilled, therefore drawing us to one another. This driving need helps prevent us from traveling a road of isolation and independence from one another. Our intimate relationship is like a thermometer to show us where we are in our marriage relationship.

If you are experiencing constant problems in this area, it more than likely stems from strongholds in your heart. Our culture often says it is normal to lose interest in sex, that many men experience impotence, that adultery is an acceptable reason for divorce, etc.

Disinterest in sex within marriage is not normal, and there is a reason for this evidence, regardless of whether it is from the husband or the wife.

Why do men and women engage in affairs, pornography or fantasizing, etc? It’s because of strongholds. Instead of you beating your spouse up about a moral sin, God can use that very sin for His glory while Satan will use it to try to destroy the relationship. God wants to use the sin to point to the hidden pain and the stronghold that has power over you or your spouse. He wants you to learn how to look past the other person’s sins (the dots), see the real picture (the sinful person’s heart), and care about it.

Perhaps you found out that your spouse had an affair, but has now repented and wants to recommit to you and your children. However, you feel you cannot forgive them or love them anymore. This really big issue has destroyed so many marriages. It hurts deeply and you feel rejected and betrayed. You find it impossible to ever trust your spouse again, much less love him or her. The enemy wants to use that pain to destroy you. He wants to destroy your marriage and your family. The decision you make will affect everyone in your family including your children and your future grandchildren.

Believe it or not, God can and will use this very same sin of adultery to create an intimacy in your marriage and in your relationship that you have never experienced before. You have a choice to make. You can choose to obey God or not obey God—it’s really that simple. If you can’t forgive your spouse, they are not the only one with a stronghold in their heart. God has given us the ability through Jesus to love others, and He commands us to forgive them for anything. If you can’t love or forgive, there is something in your own heart that prevents you from doing so. The stronghold that prevents you from forgiving could be part of the problem that led to the adulterous affair.

Today, our churches often consider an affair as being very bad and sometimes allow people to reject forgiveness and reconciliation. Somehow, they categorize adultery as an unforgivable sin and assume that unforgiveness in this case is understandable. Years ago, I even heard a pastor say an affair is a ticket out of a bad marriage. I think this is the wrong attitude. God views sin as sin—unforgiveness or an affair are the same in His eyes. In God’s Word both are called sin and are never referred to as sins of greater or lesser importance.

To emphasize this a little more strongly, Jesus never said, “If you commit the sin of adultery, my heavenly father will not forgive you.” But He did say in Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

I believe God loves us so much that He commands us to forgive. It is for our benefit to forgive others. The other person may never even know we have forgiven them. Some of the people who have sinned against us will never cross our paths again. Jesus knew unforgiveness can eat away at our soul like cancer. We don’t even know it’s happening until it’s too late. My hope is that, from this book, you can understand how unforgiveness can harm you and how Satan uses it in your life to deceive you.

God gives us intimacy as a gift in our marriages. God can also use moral sin to reveal inner-heart problems in the husband and wife. One might sin by committing adultery, but the other can sin by not searching their own heart to see their part in the problem and by not forgiving.

I’m not saying you drove your spouse into the arms of another and you are completely at fault. Consider this: What if the enemy was using some of your flesh patterns to make your spouse feel left out, unloved, unimportant, unappreciated, pressured, or emotionally disconnected? What if your spouse felt disrespected and rejected? They may have been convinced they were unlovable, and while lonely and miserable, they meet someone who compliments them, appreciates them, laughs at their humor, and enjoys being with them. At first, it’s just a pleasant alternative to their lonely life at home, but then without conscious planning, they become emotionally connected. Perhaps later it moves deeper into an affair. We are all designed by God to be in fellowship and emotionally connected through relationships with one another.

If this happened, should you throw stones and toss out accusations and ultimatums? Or should you look past the sin, forgive, and begin to woo your spouse back? Before that is possible, you must get real with God and look into your own heart—asking God to reveal the stronghold so you can break free of the very flesh patterns that pushed your spouse away.

You always have a choice: Hold tight to justified anger, disobey God and refuse to forgive, or trust God and forgive.

I would like to conclude this section on intimacy with this thought: Beware of a preacher that stands behind the pulpit and declares what are appropriate or inappropriate sexual acts of love in your marriage bed. If he can’t clearly back up his words with scripture as to what is acceptable or unacceptable sexual activity with your spouse, then I think these declarations are just his opinions and sometimes can even be the result of his own strongholds. Often opinions like this come loaded with guilt trips, rules, and behavior control and many times are very legalistic. The book of the Song of Solomon in the Bible has a lot to say about enjoying one another’s bodies. Sex is God’s gift to us to enjoy with each other. God usually makes important things very clear in His Word. If He wanted to attach a lot of dos and don’ts to sex, we should find more about this in His Word. If you aren’t sure, search scripture and ask the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart. And always take into consideration the feelings of your spouse. If someone has been sexually abused and still remains unhealed from that, they may be uncomfortable with something you feel is acceptable. You should respect that and abstain from that activity until their root issue can be dealt with.

Church Volunteer Work

If you feel led to serve Christ at church and are walking in the Holy Spirit as He helps you, then you are properly serving God. However, many times people accept one church challenge after another in order to be accepted, to feel needed, or to believe they are working hard enough to please God. Sometimes, they will say yes simply because they can’t say no to the pastor or a friend. Or maybe, they’re saying yes because they are afraid of letting someone down. These are poor reasons to serve and are flesh actions. Some of us learned how to perform to please others when we were children, and we work at church because we are still performing. God doesn’t need our performance. He wants our heart. He wants us to serve Him as we walk in the Spirit for the right reasons. Many people have been greatly hurt at a church by these kinds of demands and have never returned. To them, church is not a safe place. Family members can resent your excessive church activities and resent the church. They may feel unimportant and unloved.

Spiritual Growth

Many couples are unequally yoked where only one is a Christian and only one in the relationship feels inclined to study and pray. The believer, trying to be a good influence, may do things like study God’s Word in the presence of the other person, attend lots of meetings at church, and frequently mention Jesus in conversations. However, the spouse may be turned off by this and may lock up and withdraw more from Christianity. This is a circle of destruction. The more one withdraws, the harder the other pushes Jesus and tries to set an example. Then the spouse feels more pressured and withdraws farther. If this is you, you might consider reading and studying when your spouse is not around. Working overtime to set a good example in front of them isn’t working, and your spouse may not feel loved. Try entering his or her world. Enjoy their company and do something they like when you are together.

Ask Jesus to help you love your spouse or child better. Another suggestion would be to ask God to show you why studying His Word is more important than your relationship. Relationships often have special moments that come once and then are gone. If you miss a moment to connect with someone, that moment is gone. However, if you let your schedule be interrupted for a special time to connect with somone, you can finish studying God’s Word some other time. If you have trouble doing that, ask God, “Why?” A relationship is living out God’s Word with another person, not shoving a person aside so you can read God’s Word.

Low Self-esteem

A person can have a lot of negative thoughts about themselves and hide them from others, but occasionally they become visible in actions and words. If you fear being a failure, getting in trouble, and never being good enough and that you’re too fat, too stupid, or too dirty, or that no one likes you, you are showing evidence or dots that you struggle with a low self-image. If you think people are tired of you and ignore you or fear that no one will ever love you because you are unlovable, you may lack trust in people and be withdrawn. Perhaps, you believe that God will heal other peoples’ hearts, but not yours. The low self-esteem list unfortunately goes on and on, and the negative consequences in our lives are numerous.

I am living proof that you don’t have to continue to live with these negative feelings and lies. They come from Satan through strongholds in your heart. If you have any of these thoughts and doubt the victory Jesus offers, please pray these words out loud, Jesus, make the enemy go away. Please wrap your arms around me and help me feel your presence. Can you give me victory over these negative feelings?

We will address this topic more in upcoming chapters.

Fighting

When Adam would yell at me three inches from my face, usually over something trivial like a lost shirt, I would go ballistic and be totally out of control. I would yell back at him, “No one is ever going to talk to me like that again” (that was my flesh pattern). I relied on a flesh pattern to handle the situation because I could not see past Adam’s volatile and disrespectful anger and care about his heart.

Let’s try out some of the who, what, when, where, and why questions and follow the clues to the root of the problem. Notice that these questions are from the heart. They are questions used to care about the other person and gently probe. They are not accusatory or judgmental questions. That’s why I call these heart questions. A friend can ask you these questions, or you can ask yourself.

Question: Who talked to me like that before? What did it feel like then? Did I ever feel this fear and helplessness before?

Answer: My dad. He had yelled at me like that, and yes, I had felt this anger and fear before. I never realized that it was my dad’s cuss words coming from my mouth when I screamed at Adam. Do you repeat any actions of your parents that were and are unloving? If yes, there is hope! These are clues or evidence of something that is broken or left unresolved in your heart. Can you recognize some of your repetitive reactions or flesh patterns?

Other places to look for less-visible evidences of strongholds are our attitudes, judgments, critical thoughts, and things like inner pride and how we justify judging others (incomplete list).

Both visible and invisible evidences that you discover in your life will damage your relationships if you choose to let them. They will damage your relationships, not because you discover them, but because they are already there and the enemy is actively using them. You can choose to ignore them. On the other hand, these very same newly discovered evidences can lead you to freedom!

You can choose to allow the power of sin in you to keep you in bondage to that sin, or you can go with me on the journey of a courageous heart and allow God to heal and transform your heart.

The Bible says that Jesus came that we might know God. He came to show us God in the flesh. Jesus died that we might live in Him and He in us (John 17:22-23). This alone allows us to be like Christ. Christ alone gives us value. The Pharisees tried so very hard to keep every rule and obey every letter of the law. We saw how proud they were of themselves and how they thought they were so spiritual. Yet similarly, in our own strength, we also set rules about daily Bible studies, times to pray, how to act, and when to volunteer at church. We don’t even realize how we are trying so hard in our own flesh to be spiritual (remember that walking in the flesh is sin) because the bottom line is “We are still doing it!”

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight.” I especially like the end of the verse where it says, “He will make your paths straight.” Even our spiritual walk can only be accomplished—be straight—when Christ lives in and through us and we live in Him. Our spirituality is nothing we can boast about or accomplish on our own, independently from God, just because we are smart or good (like the Pharisees).

God’s Word tells us to Love God with all our heart, all our mind, and all our soul. We are told to obey God with all our heart. There are many scriptures that say all your heart or all your soul. I thought when I asked Jesus into my heart and asked Him to be my Lord and Savior, I was giving Him all my heart. I never realized until a few years ago that all my dots or evidences could show me the areas of my heart that I was still holding on to. I was still controlling those areas of my heart that I never wanted to address. I was deceived—I thought God was in charge of all my heart, when all the time I was keeping those areas under my control through my unforgiveness—giving power to the enemy.

If you can’t love or can’t forgive, you need to acknowledge that you are in control of an area of your heart. Hidden pain and strongholds are influencing you to disobey God and preventing you from forgiving.

In every area of our lives, there are different clues or evidences allowing us to see hidden problems in our hearts. Look for these clues and ask Jesus to reveal them to you. I am so thankful now for all of the horrible clues, evidences, or dots I have found in my life. They all forced me see my need for Jesus to transform my heart. The clues brought me to my knees and made me confess that I had failed and couldn’t live the Christian life without Christ owning all of my heart—I wanted Him to be in control of each and every area of my heart.

Christ also helped me see that only I could make the decisions for my own heart. No one can make any decision for anyone else’s heart. If I couldn’t love a person, regardless of how they treated me, then the problem was in me, not them. It was not up to me to fix or change them. I needed to ask Jesus to help me respond to Him, clean up my own heart, and love others.

If I wanted to love my family better, I needed to focus on my own heart and allow Christ to change me from the inside out. My will was set on obedience to Christ, and I always remembered what motivated me. Life became much simpler when I removed my focus from other people’s faults and the many ways they were doing things wrong to focusing on my own heart and its needs. I then could view each imperfection in others as an opportunity to love them. I only had to love. I started to not think about correcting, lecturing, or fixing—just loving. I don’t want to sound “perfect” in this area as I still occasionally slip back into old flesh patterns. The victory is that I can now recognize it, repent, and turn back to loving others through Christ. I also use each opportunity to look for a stronghold.

There are many clues when you are loving others incorrectly. The most obvious is the other person will not feel loved. If you find yourself reacting in an unloving or insensitive way to another person’s sin, pray, Jesus, will you show me what is in my heart that is causing me to act this way toward them—making them feel unloved and uncared for by me?

If you can’t look beyond someone’s sin and selfish ways and care about them, then there is something in your heart that Jesus wants to heal and transform in you. Ask Jesus what it is. Jesus, why can’t I love her (or him) right now? Why do I feel the need to protect myself? Or defend myself? Why does this make me angry? Will you show me what is in my heart?

Circle of Destruction

Without transformation by God, our flesh patterns will create a circle of destruction with someone we love. My son Adam and I were on what I call a circle of destruction.

My flesh patterns set off definite actions that triggered Adam’s flesh patterns, resulting in abusive actions. His actions then came back at me, setting off my abusive flesh patterns.

This circle of destruction goes round and round—repetitive patterns are triggered over and over again. The circle has no end, and Adam and I were two individuals growing farther and farther apart, emotionally pushing each other away toward isolation.

Walking in the Spirit allows us to love others in all situations. Love draws someone close to you. It creates oneness instead of separation. Relationships grow closer as you care about the other person’s heart.

Looking and focusing on the dots—my son’s imperfections—caused me to recognize and address his faults, not my own. I felt justified to scold, criticize, correct, yell, and dominate him. I thought I was helping him. I thought I could save him heartache when I lectured him. I wanted him to grow up according to my expectations. I thought that all the time and energy I was giving him was in love. Instead, I pushed his buttons, and he felt unloved and controlled. He got angry, got in trouble, and yelled in my face.

I felt unappreciated. I felt like I was a failure. I reacted physically to him by hitting him and yelling in his face. He got angry and reacted, and I yelled at him even more. I lectured more, criticized more, and dominated him more. I tried harder to parent correctly and get him to change. I became harder and more rigid. He reacted with more anger and got in more trouble. It was a “Circle of Destruction.”

Adam and I continued to repeat this pattern and our circle of destruction continued round and round. We emotionally moved away from any intimacy in our relationship and grew farther apart. We became more and more isolated from one another. How sad!

Not only was I destroying Adam, but I was also destroying my future grandchildren and all future generations as well until someone (me) faced the truth and said, “Enough! It doesn’t have to be this way any longer. We can raise up a new generation with love and balance. Jesus wants this, and He will help us.”

I would also like to say more about the relationship I had with my older son, Dan. As you read the next several paragraphs, look for judgments and favoritism and see how some clues are obvious and others more subtle. Notice how our opinions about our children and reactions to them feed their anger toward us and toward each other.

While Adam was loud, obnoxious, domineering, tough, and angry, Dan at the age of three was already neat and orderly, sweet, kind and generous, quiet, affectionate, and very sensitive. He began to play the piano by ear and fixed my broken toilet at age three. He was a smart little guy and so cute!

Adam was cute and full of energy, but he was a demanding child and rarely seemed satisfied or content. Adam sent the babysitters home crying, but Dan brought smiles to everyone.

The reactions from us as parents, church members, sitters, and friends created situations that wound up hurting both of my children and strongholds were formed inside our children against each other and against us.

When the boys were about five and six, I began to lack the energy and the patience needed for Adam. I was more drawn to Dan—he was my compliant child. I gave up trying to change Adam and just locked horns with him instead. I put most of my energy and attention into loving and helping Dan. With my best flesh effort, I lavished my “love” on Dan.

At three, Dan was very sensitive. He would cry when he got his feelings hurt or he bumped his knee or fell. He would cry with a very high-pitched scream, and Steve would complain that it hurt his ears. I felt pressured to fix the situation. Also, the loud noise triggered one of my strongholds and caused a reaction in me to stop the screaming.

I would pick up that tenderhearted little child and tell him, “Shut up!” or “Stop screaming!” I would give anything now to have those moments back when I crushed his spirit. I would give away anything I own, all of it, to have those moments back so I could love Dan correctly. I wish I had just picked him up and just held him till the hurt went away. I’d let him cry and scream as long as he needed, and I would never tell him he had to toughen up and stop crying.

In my fleshly version of love, I started teaching my son to toughen up, just like my father taught me. I began to control him and mold him to be the kind of child I thought he was capable of being instead of loving the child he was right then.

Our circle of destruction began. I controlled him and pushed him to perform. I encouraged him to excel. I was active in everything he did.

Dan made good grades and, at thirteen, decided he wanted to attend the Air Force Academy so he could fly jets. To help him be accepted, I told him he should join the Boy Scouts and become an Eagle Scout.

My parents never helped me with school or went to any of my outside activities, and so to be a better parent, I became obsessed with helping Dan. Each week, I let him know what three or four things we should complete for his next Scout badge. I had all his weeks scheduled out to so he could accomplish his Eagle ranking in the four years he had left instead of the usual five. I made Dan practice his viola. I made sure he had his homework done and packed for school.

Dan quit the piano at age eight, and by fifteen, he loathed Boy Scouts. He never told me, but he resented my being involved in every aspect of his life. He was extremely nervous and constantly cleared his throat every few seconds. Along with other nervous habits, he had the habit of rapidly blinking his eyes nonstop. He was beginning to have anxiety attacks at school, and his teachers were concerned about him in the ninth grade, even though he made straight A’s.

When I used my flesh pattern of reacting angrily on Adam, my sinful behavior was obvious. When I used my flesh patterns on Dan, I looked like a caring, loving, and involved mother that loved her son. Yet my flesh patterns toward Dan were also sin, and I severely damaged his heart. I thought I was loving him and giving him my best, but in some ways, it was more damaging to him than what I did to Adam. At least with Adam, I recognized my sin and would often repent and ask him for forgiveness.

Because I never saw what I was doing to Dan, I didn’t repent and ask him for forgiveness for the damage I was doing. The hurts collected and grew over the years.

Dan struggled inside where no one could see. He wanted to say, “Stop telling me what to do! I don’t want to do it.” He needed desperately to feel loved by me. He tried to earn my love, by obeying me and by trying to please me. Only it didn’t work. He didn’t feel loved; he felt controlled and manipulated. He hated himself for allowing me to boss him around. He got depressed and started shutting down.

Naturally, being the “good mother,” I was right there to help when he started forgetting his homework. Each morning, I would ask about each assignment and make sure it was done correctly—our destructive circle would start all over again.

He was so locked up by the time he got to school he would forget to hand in his homework, and believe me, I let him know what I thought about that. Pressure, pressure, and more pressure! It all shouted, Be what I want you to be. Get tough and get it done. Do it my way, or I won’t love you.

I can see now how Dan felt. After I remembered how a little girl felt, always trying to do what her controlling Mother made her do and hating every moment of it. Just like Dan, I locked up early against my mother and strongly rebelled against her inwardly.

People can rebel outwardly—we all know what that looks like—or they can rebel inwardly. Either way, the enemy can get a stronghold in your heart that influences you to reject correction, good advice, or godly direction. A flesh pattern of rebellion is established from original hurt and pain. The enemy’s influence is so strong that a person will go to great lengths to feel like they are in control of their own life, even if it is to make horrible choices that have lasting negative consequences the rest of their life.

The good news? People with rebellious attitudes are in charge of their own decisions just like everyone else. At any time, they can say, Jesus, make the enemy go away and allow me see the truth from You. Please help me do things Your way. I will do anything You ask me to do because I choose to follow You.

I want to make it clear that all flesh patterns are sin. Flesh patterns that look good are more deceiving, and the enemy can and will use them to destroy you and your family. The good news is that God is bigger and smarter and stronger than the enemy or any of our problems in our life.

For a longer list of examples of evidences of strongholds, refer to Appendix E.

Courageous Hearts: Chapter 4

This chapter was meant to show you the dots—the evidences in your life like on the 3-D print. We have begun together to discover areas in our lives that distract us and can tear our families apart bit by bit. The next couple of chapters will begin to show you how to move past the evidence and care about another person’s heart. We will learn how, after digging deep to find strongholds, to deal with them and allow Jesus to free us of their influential grip on our lives.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, and defeated, it might be helpful to read the story of Gideon and the Midianites in the Bible, beginning in Judges, chapter 6.

It is a wonderful story of God’s power delivering the Israelites from the oppression of the Midianites. There are many stories in the Bible that tell of incredible victories over impossible odds. God wants Gideon to know victory comes when we follow God’s leading. It’s about who God is, not who we are. God alone is in control of the situation. Over and over in the Bible, God repeats this theme.

God wants us all to understand that on our own, we cannot heal our hearts, transform our lives, and restore our relationships, but God can and will do it for us, in us, and with us. He wants to make sure that no human can take credit for the victory that He will perform. My story about my family is a record of God’s miraculous touch on our lives. Gideon’s story is a great example of God doing the impossible for His children. He will meet your needs also. Don’t give up.

Judges, Chapter 6

For seven years, the Lord gave the Israelites into the hands of the Midianites. The Midianites ruined the Israelites’ crops—they swarmed the land like locusts and left nothing for the Israelites. Everyone feared them.

The angel of the Lord found Gideon hiding in a winepress, threshing wheat to keep it from the Midianites.

In verse 12, the angel says, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.” God saw Gideon as a mighty warrior.

Gideon tried to set God straight. “But Lord,” Gideon asked, “how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.”

In verse 16, the Lord answers, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites together.” It sounds to me like Gideon was to strike them down, but the Lord was going to be with him so they could accomplish this together.

In verse 7:2, the Lord tells Gideon he has too many men to fight the battle. Gideon followed the Lord’s instructions and finally reduced his army from thirty-two thousand men to only three hundred.

The Lord explained He wanted their numbers greatly reduced so Israel could not boast that the strength of their army was what saved the people from the Midianites.

The Lord was with Gideon. The Midianites put their swords to each other and ended up fleeing from the Israelites. Gideon gave chase and 135,000 Midianites were killed fighting against only three hundred Israelites.

Over and over in the Bible, God is with His people and helps them overcome impossible odds. In every situation, success is by the power of the Lord. God wants us to cry out to Him that we need His help. He wants us to admit, “I can’t do this, but you can.”

It is interesting to me that Gideon didn’t see himself as a mighty warrior. But with the Lord on his side, he was a mighty warrior even though he was found hiding in the winepress.

Things are not so different today. In my case, I was hiding behind my flesh patterns developed from my hidden pain and through generational behavior. I was in bondage to that secret pain, and it was destroying me. Others might hide behind their pride or intellect, etc.

I was hiding until God spoke to me. He showed me that I was hiding from the pain that was causing my destruction, just like the Israelites were hiding from the Midianites who kept them in bondage and were destroying them.

God also saw me as a mighty warrior. Not because I hit my kids and was filled with an uncontrollable rage, but because he saw Christ in me. He wanted me to start doing things His way so He could get the glory for restoring our relationships.

Our lives were such a mess that it was beyond human effort to straighten it all out and have the relationships that we have today. It took God’s help and His power to work in us. God alone gets the glory for the unbelievable results. God gave me the desire of my heart. He gave me a fun and loving family. Today, we laugh and cry together and really love each other.

If God saw me as a mighty warrior, what does He see when He looks at you? He sees a mighty warrior in you even when you can’t. God sees you as a mighty warrior if Christ is in you.

Other people are not the only ones that can see our dots or imperfections, we often see our own. We can often get stuck looking at our faults and be consumed with guilt.

God wants us to look beyond our faults (the dots in the 3-Dpicture) and, with His help, find and deal with the root problem. Then, as the Holy Spirit gains complete control of our heart, others can see Christ living in us. That’s what the real 3-D picture is—a picture of His glory in us. A picture that proclaims what He always created us to be in Him—mighty warriors!

A mighty warrior listens to God. When the counselor told me to throw out all the rules, I didn’t do it just because he asked me to. I prayed about it and felt certain that God also wanted us to throw out all the rules. When Steve and I walked in the Spirit and threw out the rules, it was not just another accomplishment on our to-do list. Our sons felt loved and the results were amazing:

1. Our sons felt like they were finally had some control of their own lives.

2. They grew in confidence.

3. They were in charge of their education and their relationship with God.

4. They got to make all their own decisions.

5. They were in charge of their own hearts.

I won’t share all the details now as I would get ahead of myself in our story. Just know that God will do amazing things with your family if you will but ask Him and listen to Him.

Courageous Hearts Assignment

1. Is there any offense so bad that you could not forgive a loved one, a friend, or even a stranger?

2. What is the offense? What will that unforgiveness do to you and your loved ones? Is the price of unforgiveness worth what it will cost you in your life? You already paid the painful price the day it happened. Why should you continue to suffer from their sin done to you? God is giving you a way to end the pain. Christ can help you let it go and be done with it. Power is given to the sin and to Satan when we hide the sin and store the painful experience in our hearts. We give our bitterness and pride the opportunity to grow when we refuse to return to the pain with God, and, with His help and power, forgive and let Him heal our hearts.

3. Many times, we believe we have already forgiven someone, but I would like to challenge you to look for evidence that reveals that you may have forgiven from your head and not from your heart. If you forgave from the head, the forgiveness was not complete. If you answer yes to the following, then the evidence shows you have forgiven mainly from your head.

• Do you remember the many details of the offense? Do you still feel hurt, afraid, or angry?

• Do you experience anxiety, tightness of chest, anger, or fear when the person’s name is mentioned?

• Do you refuse to talk about something or someone?

• Are your feelings numb or shut off emotionally at times when you should be feeling something? Or do you display feelings in the opposite way by raging off the chart or crying all the time?

• Do you experience the same fear, anger, frustration, or inferiority today that you felt during the offense long ago?

• Do you secretly feel hatred and wish bad things to happen to the offender?

• Do you find fault in others and verbally blame and criticize them for your current problems.

These are some clues that you have not forgiven completely from the heart. Are you brave enough to ask Jesus, “Jesus, do you want me to forgive any sin done to me? Will you help me forgive?”

4. Would you be willing to share your answers to these questions with your spouse or a close friend? Appendix G lists some heart questions your spouse or friend could ask you to help you reach your heart. Once you are in your heart, you can pray the forgiveness prayer (Appendix F) and really forgive from your heart.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).