Past Pain = Present Problems?
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight” (Prov. 3:5-6).
First Night of Family Camp
Drew (not his real name) was introduced as a minister and Christian counselor who would be our camp speaker for the week. He began the evening service by letting a married couple share their testimony.
They shared about their families from their childhood, revealing vivid details of some of the painful experiences they had endured growing up as children. Hurt and afraid as children, they buried their pain and locked their hearts to never feel the pain again. As they matured, they learned to cope with life by locking this pain away and hiding it from everyone. When they married each other, they thought they had finally found someone that would love them. They each expected to live happily ever after. But “happily ever after” never happened.
Shortly into their marriage, they realized they couldn’t talk to each other. The wife felt isolated and rejected. These were feelings she had felt all her life, and marriage only brought out these feelings more. Her reaction to rejection caused her to be critical of her husband. He became withdrawn and lonely. These daily feelings led to a legal separation.
As I listened, my heart went out to her. I could identify with painful experiences as a child and learning to survive by locking the pain away, never thinking of it again—for sure never talking about it. Why would anyone want to talk about something so painful you can’t change anyway? What’s done is done, I thought.
Then she began to talk about experiencing freedom from her hidden pain after forgiving her parents. I immediately thought, Well, I’ve forgiven my parents for everything. After all, we learn early on in our Christian walk that if we don’t forgive, then Christ won’t forgive us.
Our enemy is so deceitful. Instead of desiring to hear more about this freedom, I sat there convinced that I had done my Christian duty toward my parents.
As her story unfolded more, she shared how she and her husband were now together in a loving relationship. Their relationship was far better than she had ever seen or imagined a marital relationship could be.
I was very happy for them, yet I found myself thinking, I’m glad I don’t have to worry about something like that. Steve and I have a really good relationship.
The speaker began to talk to us from his heart. Soft and gentle words explained how sin affects our lives and every relationship we have. He explained that Satan tried to influence us primarily in three ways in our lives (I have added a fourth):
1. From sins passed down to us from our parents and grandparents (generational)
2. From sins done against us without our permission (abuse)
3. From sin we choose to do and to cultivate
4. From unexpected events in our lives and the world around us (illness or accidents, death, weather-related disasters, war, etc.) that can leave us vulnerable to Satan’s influence and his lies
That evening, I learned that I was a product of alcoholism. My parents weren’t alcoholics, but they were both raised in homes by an alcoholic parent. Alcoholics are so consumed with hidden pain and the need for the next drink that they can’t love anyone with a Christlike love. I learned that neither of my parents had ever experienced real love as a child. Therefore, they couldn’t possibly know how to love anyone else unconditionally. They didn’t understand what love looked like because they had only experienced a poor imitation of love while growing up.
This was an amazing revelation to me. I had to admit that I was barely holding it together as a parent. I knew for a fact that all I ever wanted to be was a good mom and a great wife. I had no desire to be part of the work world and have a professional job. My entire focus and desire for the last seventeen years had been to be a wonderful homemaker, and I was failing miserably at even being mediocre.
What if my parents really wanted to love us and be good parents and just didn’t know how. Very interesting, I thought. When they first got married, I bet my parents wanted to love each other and have children to love. But they just couldn’t love their kids any better than I do.
For the first time in my life, I began to consider my parents’ childhoods. I began to wonder what it was like for my father to leave home at ten. It made sense to me that if no one ever showed unconditional love to him, then how on earth could he demonstrate that love to me—he didn’t even know what it looked like. He had never experienced it.
No wonder his natural response was to get angry and blame me for his problems, I thought.
About this time, I heard the speaker say, “Everyone has problems.” My immediate thought was Not me. I don’t have any. Adam is my only problem, and in four years, he’ll be gone. Then I won’t have any problems at all.
I completely processed this thought in about three seconds. But the very next thing Drew said was There are three wrong things to do with your problems:
1. Deny that you have any problems.
2. Blame someone else for your problems.
3. Put your problems in a time frame (meaning that this is only for a little while, and then it will go away).
I couldn’t believe my ears. He just said out loud what I had thought and in perfect order, almost word for word. Now God really had my attention! All I could think at this point was I must really have problems! I don’t know what they are, but I must have a lot.
I believe it took God to help me come to this conclusion because before the speaker said this, I really didn’t believe at the time that I was the problem. I was friendly, outgoing, self-confident, creative, frugal, and helpful—a take-charge-and-get-it-done type of person. How could I be the problem when Adam was surly, angry, loud, and self-centered? I was a servant 24/7. For the most part, I had a high self-esteem and strong, self-reliant personality. With the exception of my relationship with Adam, I pretty much enjoyed life and my other relationships. However, my painful and explosive relationship with Adam was sucking me dry of my joy and affecting all the other areas of my life.
At this point of the evening service, Drew read a letter from a lady whose heart was so locked up that she could neither give love to her spouse nor receive his love. I don’t remember all the details of her letter because at that time, I was still an adult with Attention Deficit Disorder and I was fading in and out from hearing the lecture.
I refocused about the time this woman revealed in her letter that Jesus helped her resolve her hidden pain and she could feel again. She was able to walk to freedom and experience closeness to her husband that she never thought was possible. Since I don’t have the letter, I can’t quote it, but it went something like this: “For the first time in my life, I am free. Today, I heard a bird sing for the first time in my life. It was so wonderful.” I thought, See, there is nothing wrong with me. I hear birds sing all the time. (We live in the country and have lots of trees on two acres).
I was convinced again that there was nothing wrong with me and yet God at least had gotten my attention with those three little “wrong ways to treat problems” in perfect order.
My pride wouldn’t allow me to admit that I had problems or that I harbored bitterness toward my parents and others. I had hidden my pain and locked it in my heart so well for so many years that I just denied it all. I really believed that everyone else was the problem.
Through the testimonies, Drew’s teaching and this woman’s letter, I kept hearing all evening how hidden pain was often the cause of outward problems in relationships. I thought, How could past pain in my life be the cause of any of my current problems? In truth, I didn’t even remember most of the details of my early life because had I blocked them out. How could stuff I don’t even remember be the cause of problems I’m having today? I had long ago moved on and didn’t see the need or any good reason to revisit my horrible past.
Drew shared with us how a child could lock his heart because of spiritual, sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. When small children encounter painful experiences, they often emotionally withdraw and lock their hearts as a coping mechanism. Actually, when experiencing pain, a person of any age can withdraw and lock his or her heart. This self-protection mechanism creates a toehold in their heart, and the enemy can build that toehold into a stronghold. Each time a similar hurt occurs and the person locks that pain away, Satan’s hold on this area of his or her heart grows stronger. He is quick to take advantage of anyone’s pain, fear, anger, guilt, etc. He attempts to make us focus on our hurts and our problems instead of on Christ. Through our anger, bitterness, and an unforgiving attitude, the enemy uses our hidden pain as a base of operation to influence us. Strongholds are established, growing and effectively working in our lives to destroy our relationships, causing us to focus on our disappointments, robbing us of joy, and making us less effective for Christ. We are totally deceived by Satan, and we believe his lies. We don’t even realize he is doing this to us.
By the end of the first evening of camp, even though I didn’t fully understand everything that was preached, I took a step and was willing to pray this simple, sincere prayer. God, if there is anything in my heart from my past that is causing me to treat both of my boys in an ungodly manner, will you reveal it to me? I promise that I will do whatever it takes to clean up my heart, tomorrow after the auction.
Looking back, I can’t believe that I added “tomorrow after the auction!” I had been put in charge of the auction for the whole camp, where campers first played games and earned $100 bills (play money) during two hours of fun and frenzy. Then, for two more frantic hours, their fake money was spent in an auction as everyone bid on all sorts of garage-sale type items. The campers were really looking forward to this, and I needed to focus on the auction before I could finally let God’s plan to resolve my problems have any priority in my life.
After the evening service was dismissed, Steve and I took advantage of an offer to sign up for two hours of counseling. Both of us wanted to see and learn more about resolving problems so we could help other people (neither of us thought, We need this!).
I tried to understand what had been taught so far, but I was confused. I love my kids—I just hate them at the same time! Friends had always told me that teenage years were a challenge, and they were right. What does forgiveness have to do with all this anyway, I thought.
What does it mean to forgive from your head or to forgive from your heart? Forgiveness is forgiveness, isn’t it? I forgave my parents years ago, then why do I feel like these people are trying to make me feel like I didn’t? Perhaps a counseling session would shed more light on my confusion.
Reflections: Chapter 2
I was pretty confused at this point in my story. I didn’t understand most of what Drew had said about the heart. But for the first time, I had to admit that all my relationships were experiencing some level of stress, and in Adam’s case, it was hopeless.
I knew I had given life my very best effort—doing things my way to the best of my ability. It just wasn’t working. Perhaps, I should listen carefully to this new way of thinking, even though it was very foreign to me. At least, I was able to ask Jesus to show me what was in my heart. It was a baby-step, but a step in the right direction.
I was being challenged to view scripture from a new perspective. I was hearing new teachings from the Bible on strongholds and generational sins that I had never considered or thought about before.
I was leery, yet I kept thinking, What if the camp speaker is correct? What if he knows what he is talking about? I remember praying, Jesus, I will listen to what is taught concerning you as long as it is backed up with scripture. Help me listen with an open mind, because I don’t understand most of this heart stuff. Will you help me understand my heart?
Before we can get help, we need to recognize there is a problem. We need to be willing to ask God to show us what is in our heart.
Let’s create an object lesson together that will help explain the relationship between problems in our life and hidden pain in our hearts. I can’t be there with you, so I am asking you to join me in creating a meaningful object lesson that we will refer to again later in the book.
The Canning Jar
The purpose of this exercise is to discover and acknowledge the pain in your past together with Jesus and, at the same time, not point fingers at or accuse anyone. This fairly lengthy exercise is an opportunity for you to be honest with yourself, alone and with God.
You will need the following items:
1. A one-quart canning jar with a lid (or a mayonnaise jar or a spaghetti sauce jar with lid, etc.), filled with water.
2. Red food coloring
3. 20-30 small rocks that will fit into the jar and perhaps a cup full of small pebbles
4. Hand towel
5. Notebook and pencil
The rocks you collect represent the pains you have experienced during events in your life when you were hurt. As each pain is remembered, you will put one rock into the jar and record it in your notebook.
Example: As I pick up a rock, I say, Jesus, this rock represents the pain I felt when I came home from church camp and my mother had sold my little dog, Tikki. I write in my notebook, “Mom sold Tikki.” I continue by picking up another rock and sharing another disappointment or hurt. If you can’t express a painful experience in writing, perhaps just put a date or an “X” on the paper. You will know what it represents and so will God. This list will be extremely helpful to you later on.
When you have gathered all the listed items, find a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted. As you begin, pray, Jesus, will you help me to be honest with myself? Will you remind me of the times I was hurt, so I can put a rock in the jar to represent each hurt. Will you help me be courageous and unafraid? Will you be with me while I do this? Pause and wait for His answer.
Fill the jar near the top with water. Some water may overflow as you add rocks.
Take a few minutes to think of your childhood. As you remember a hurtful situation, put a rock in the jar and record it in your notebook.
If you can remember being rejected fifteen times on fifteen separate occasions, then you would put in fifteen rocks and make fifteen notations in your notebook.
Try to remember as many painful memories as you can by yourself. Take your time and relax. No one is in the room but you and Jesus. If God brings something to your mind, no matter how insignificant it may seem, add a rock or pebble to the jar and write it down in your notebook. If you are running out of room, add the smaller pebbles.
Refer to Appendix A for additional ideas. If you should get overwhelmed or are afraid, refer to Appendix B for a prayer to help you. Allow Jesus to be with you and talk to your heart. May God bless you and help you be honest with yourself and with Him.
When you can’t think of any more hurts, put the lid on the jar and cover the jar with the hand towel. This jar now represents your life.
We are created by God with a body, a soul, and a spirit (1 Thess. 5:23).
The towel represents our body or our skin. It hides what is inside.
The canning jar represents our soul. It consists of our mind (the jar), our will (the lid), and our emotions (the contents of the jar—rocks and water).
Let’s take a look at each part of our soul.
Our mind is represented by the glass jar. Our mind receives and collects facts and data from the outside world. After facts are passed through our mind and shaped by both our good and damaged emotions (feelings), our mind makes recommendations to our will (Col. 3:2, Mark 12:30).
The lid to your canning jar represents the will. Our will is where we make decisions and form our attitudes and beliefs (Gen. 4:5-8).
As a child, youth, or adult, some hurts are more than we can cope with. Without thinking about it, we discover ways to be in charge of our own lives. We learn how to tune people out or lock up our emotions to protect ourselves. It’s like you screw the lid on tight to the canning jar and say, “No more pain. No more rocks. That is enough! I will not allow anything more to hurt me,” or “I won’t let this get to me any longer.” Perhaps, nothing is said at all. One day, you just realize you don’t feel anything—pretty much nothing really bothers you anymore.
Perhaps, after you screwed the lid on tight to your heart, you often feel angry due to events in your daily life. You’re not sure where the rage comes from and are surprised how much even the smallest things upset you. You may try hard to overcome and control it, but the anger is always there, just under the surface, waiting to explode.
Perhaps, you feel you are a nervous wreck and your emotions always seem to be out of control. Or you’re in tight control of your emotions, and disappointment and disillusionment with life has left you critical and unfeeling. These are some of the many consequences of locking away unresolved hurts.
The contents in the jar represent our emotions. The rocks are our damaged emotions while the water represents emotions God created for us to use (Ps. 51:10, 139:23).
For his purposes, the enemy uses these hidden hurts (rocks) to defeat us—to distort and twist our thinking, to make bad decisions with our will, and to have poor attitudes.
1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” In my Christian walk, I have read or heard this scripture over a hundred times. Never once did I think the enemy was out to destroy me or to devour me. I just thought Satan was destroying people like drug addicts, gang members, murderers, and rapists. I thought he tried to destroy people who had addictions, food disorders, and drinking and moral failure problems, but not me. I had Jesus on my side, and I was going to church every Sunday. I had never made this scripture personal.
Think about making this scripture personal as I did and really understand and believe that Satan is out to destroy you in any way he can. If you are thinking, I don’t need this. I’m doing fine, would you pray and ask God if your pride could be holding you back from receiving something very special from Him?
Remove the towel from your jar. There is a lot of pain in there even though you may have distanced yourself from it through the years. Because of Satan’s deceit, you may not even believe that this hidden pain affects you today.
Read through the following prayer. If you feel like it is something you could pray to Jesus, simply repeat the prayer from your heart (I would recommend you pray this prayer out loud from your heart and then wait and anticipate an answer from God in the form of a word picture, a thought, a scripture, or a song). Relax and just have a heart-to-heart talk with God.
Jesus, make the enemy go away so I can talk to you, heart to heart. Jesus, is Satan trying to destroy me and my relationships? Pause and wait for His answer.
Is he using the pain in my heart to confuse me and deceive me? Pause and wait.
Jesus, do you care about my pain? Pause and wait.
Jesus, will you help me get free of my pain? Pause and wait.
Jesus, would you show me what my relationships would look like if I let you help me clean up my heart? Pause and wait for His answer.
Romans 3:23 says, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Our sins can be resolved because Jesus, the son of God, paid for all of the sins of the world by dying on the cross. His blood was shed, and He gave His life that we might live. When we come to the place in our life where we believe this, we can choose to ask Jesus to come into our life, be our Lord and Savior, and forgive us of our sins. If you have never sought Jesus out and asked Him to become your Savior and would like to know more about doing that, turn to Appendix C for help and guidance.
If you have already asked Jesus into your life, do this: remove the lid to the canning jar, pour in some red food coloring, and replace the lid.
The resulting red-colored water signifies your new spiritual birth in Christ—Christ in you. The red water represents how the Holy Spirit of God is alive in our hearts (Rom. 5:8-11).
Because Christ lives and works in us and has a deep love for us, we know that our hidden pain represented by these rocks can be resolved completely with His help. This book will show you how to let Jesus heal your heart of past pain and allow Him to have complete access to all your life—your heart, your mind, and your emotions. You will learn how to recognize when Satan is attacking you and what it looks like to defeat him in Christ Jesus. Each step you take will allow Christ to transform your life and bring your heart closer to the place where the Holy Spirit will completely fill it.
Observe the rocks and the red water in your jar. Understand that the Holy Spirit can only help you in those areas of your heart that you have already given to Him (the red water). Our unresolved (hidden) pain gives ground in our heart to Satan. Through our sin of unforgiveness, he can influence us in our daily life. The rocks can also represent sin we are unwilling to acknowledge and address.
Keep your canning jar until we need it again. It’s enough right now for you to acknowledge the hurts you have tried to ignore and have kept hidden for so long.
Courageous Hearts: Chapter 2
I would like to ask a few questions. Can Satan establish strongholds in our hearts? You can find some answers in Ephesians 4:26-27 and Matthew 15:18-19.
What if those rocks in your jar were once innocent pain, but now they have become strongholds of the enemy?
What if the enemy uses these strongholds as a base of operations—influencing you through your pain, fear, pride, or guilt?
What if the facts and information that your mind receives are first filtered through both your damaged and your pure emotions before sending suggestions and recommendations on to your will? Can your mind receive distorted information, causing your will to alter what would be a “normal” reaction? What do you think?
I love the movie, The Spitfire Grill. It’s an awesome movie about relationships. The antagonist apologizes at the end of the movie saying, “I thought I knew . . .” He believed what he thought was true. The facts were filtered through both his undamaged and his damaged emotions. His poor decisions were then made based on distorted information and beliefs—and someone suffered from his mistakes.
How sad that others often suffer because of us—because of damage hidden deep in our hearts!
Consider the following situation:
Sarah and Jeff are newlyweds. Before her marriage, as a teen and young adult, Sarah allowed herself to be used by men sexually. When her boyfriends were tired of her, they would move on to someone else. Oh sure, they were nice to her at first, bringing her flowers and gifts, but after they got what they wanted, they lost interest and dumped her. In the end, she was always left alone, hurting and feeling used, deceived, rejected, and unimportant.
Jeff came from a single-parent home. His father abandoned them when he was five, and his mother began drinking to dull the pain. He has been rejected and unloved his whole life. He married Sarah because she loves him and he loves her.
One day, Jeff comes home early from work to surprise his new bride by taking her to dinner and an early movie.
He rings the doorbell with flowers in hand. Sarah opens the door and sees her husband holding flowers. Her chest tightens. She feels apprehensive and is even a little afraid as she looks at the flowers. She has been here before. She can no longer trust a man bringing flowers. Sarah fears it is the beginning of the end of their relationship—this has happened before to all her relationships. Each one left her feeling worthless and lonely. Why would it be any different this time?
The facts her mind receives are distorted by her past pain. This pain has grown into a stronghold in her heart. Seeing Jeff holding the flowers comes too close to her hidden pain. The enemy uses her pain as a base of operation to trigger a reaction from her. She will feel an incredible desire to protect herself and withdraw. This reaction is called a “flesh pattern” or “walking in the flesh.” It will not lead to intimacy—it leads to isolation.
Her will makes a decision based on distorted facts. Even though the facts are distorted, Sarah believes them to be true. This is how Satan lies to us and influences us—triggering old flesh patterns in us.
Sometimes our flesh patterns actually get us what we want for the moment. They appear to work, so we return to them and repeat them often. Much of the time, however, flesh patterns produce exactly the opposite result of what we want. We want intimacy, but we get isolation.
Distorted facts are presented to Sarah’s will. The will screams, Don’t get too close! You’ll get hurt. He’s going to dump you just like everyone else did who brought flowers, or he’s just using these flowers to get sex. I won’t let him do this!
Her will then makes a decision based on this distorted information and puts actions and attitudes into motion. The definition of fleshly behavior is doing anything in your own power apart from God or getting your needs met independently from God. You will know when it happens because it results in isolation—moving away from others. When we walk in the Spirit, we will move toward oneness and intimacy. The enemy wants to destroy all relationships. Let’s watch as Jeff and Sarah’s story unfolds and see if they walk in the flesh toward isolation or walk in the Spirit toward intimacy.
At the open door, Sarah eyes the flowers somewhat cautiously, saying, “Why are you home so early?”
Jeff extends the flowers, “These are for you. I thought we could go out to dinner and an early movie.”
Sarah responds, “Why didn’t we talk about this last night?”
Jeff fidgets, “I wanted to surprise you. Don’t you like the flowers?”
Sarah moves aside to let him in, taking the flowers. “Yeah, they’re pretty.” But her lack of enthusiasm is saying something else.
During dinner and the movie, Jeff wonders if she is having any fun. She seems tense. When the evening is over, they crawl into bed. Sarah gives him a quick kiss and at the same time pushes him away.
“Good night, Jeff. I love you.” Sarah rolls over, presenting her back to Jeff.
“Good night, Sarah. I love you too.”
Sarah was guarded and cautious all evening. She is sad and withdrawn from Jeff. She believes he just wants to use her like the others, and she feels unimportant. By withholding sex, she even thinks she is protecting herself from Jeff dumping her. Sarah cries herself to sleep, thinking, He is just going to tire of me and leave me like everyone else. I wish he could just care more about me.
Jeff lies in bed, feeling like a failure, wanting intimacy with his wife. He’s thinking, What’s wrong with me? I could never please my mother. I bought her things and cleaned the house and cared for her for years. I cooked dinners for us since I was eight. No matter what I did, she rejected me. Why did I think I could please Sarah? We’ve only been married a month and already she is rejecting me. She didn’t even like the flowers.
Jeff tries several more times to give Sarah gifts and special attention, but each time, she withdraws more. Jeff’s self-esteem drops. He says to himself, I feel like quitting. No one is ever going to love me no matter how hard I try.
In the following weeks, Sarah withdraws more. As Jeff feels more rejection, he struggles with depression and returns to his pornography habit. A circle of destruction has started. Each of them falls back on their dependable flesh patterns to help them cope. To protect herself, Sarah doesn’t allow physical intimacy. This causes Jeff to feel rejected and makes him depressed. To cope, he quits trying and gets involved in the momentary satisfaction of pornography. This causes Sarah to feel emotionally disconnected and makes her feel unimportant and alone. She shuts down and quits trying to please Jeff, becoming even more distant. Feeling rejected, Jeff hardens his heart and starts caring less about Sarah’s needs. The circle of destruction keeps going around and around as each person reacts from the other person’s flesh pattern. Jeff and Sarah become isolated, lonely, and miserable.
The Bible says to walk in the flesh is sin (Rom. 8:5-8, Gal. 5:16-17 NASB). It is the opposite of walking in the Spirit. Walking in the flesh usually results in the opposite kind of relationships that God wants for us and results in isolation and destroyed relationships. Walking in the Spirit results in close, loving relationships where everyone feels loved.
At first, it doesn’t look like anyone sinned, but Sarah did. She protected herself by using her old tried-and-true flesh pattern. When she presented her back to Jeff to protect herself, she was shutting her husband out. Absorbed in her own fear and displaying self-protective behavior, she couldn’t respond to Jeff. She didn’t even know he felt rejected. Her reaction was just a natural response to the enemy’s stronghold in her heart (from earlier pain). She ended up hurting Jeff, and she was blind to his pain. Sarah sinned because she was relying on her own efforts to meet her needs, independent from God. Neither Jeff nor Sarah was consciously being mean to the other person.
Jeff sinned also. He was using old flesh patterns to try to buy or earn Sarah’s love. He had tried to earn his mother’s love, and now he was trying to buy Sarah’s love. Offering flowers is not a sin, but his motive was sinful because it was based on an old flesh pattern. Later, Jeff tried to meet his needs through his own efforts apart from God by turning back to pornography. When he was rejected by Sarah, he said in his heart, I feel like quitting. No one is ever going to love me. The enemy talks to us in first person pronouns. He feeds us lies and negative thoughts through the strongholds in our heart. He lies to us to destroy us.
If Jeff shared his frustration with a friend, both men would probably conclude that the entire problem was caused by Sarah. Their focus would be on what Sarah was doing wrong and recognize that she is the one who needs to change—that she needs counseling.
If Sarah shared her fears with a friend, that friend might give Sarah a list of things to do to restore the relationship. Sarah’s focus would turn to the to-do list. She would eventually feel like a failure when she couldn’t keep up with the list. If she, as part of the to-do list, made love to her husband, she would probably feel like a hypocrite for making love when she didn’t even want to.
Neither Jeff nor Sarah even thought to focus on their own heart or to consider whether they were walking in the Spirit or walking in the flesh. Neither one was walking in the Spirit. They were relying on their flesh patterns to meet their needs—they were both sinning. They will never find out what real love looks like until they ask God to show them how to love each other better. They need to look into their own hearts and ask Jesus for help in getting cleaned up.
Flesh patterns are sin—in those moments we are living independently from God. Let’s see what God says about life lived according to flesh patterns from the following verses:
John 6:63 NASB: The flesh profits nothing.
Romans 4:1-2 NASB: Abraham was justified by faith, not works.
“Those who are according the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God” (Romans 8:5-8 NASB)
“for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live” (Romans 8:13 NASB).
“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another” (Galatians 5:16-17 NASB).
Each of us is unique. This also infers that each of us will have our very own tried-and-true flesh patterns that fit us comfortably—like old shoes that we have worn for many miles. These flesh patterns, however, often don’t get us what we want or need and can prevent us from becoming who God created us to be. We will be unable to do the “. . . good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Eph. 2:10).
“Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang of these two commandments”” (Matt. 22:37-40).
“because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God” (Rom. 8:7-8 NASB).
In other words, acting in the flesh is serious as it goes against the very laws of God. All the laws hang on two commandments written in Matthew 22:37-40. We cannot love God with all our heart nor can we love others if we rely on flesh patterns to help us cope with life and others.
Sarah and Jeff both wanted a close loving relationship, but their flesh patterns caused them to feel alone—unloved and isolated. The consequences of their flesh patterns (rejection, arguments, and withdrawal) will distract them from dealing with core problems in their own hearts.
The enemy wins if we are so consumed with our own pain in our daily life that we blame others instead of looking into our own heart for answers.
My flesh patterns were the following: anger, screaming and hitting, throwing things, hiding from police, withdrawing, packing my bags and running, becoming silent in conversation, etc.
What do you do? What are your patterns? Can you recognize repetitive arguments, feelings, and reactions? Do you think they might be connected in some way to the rocks in your jar—the strongholds in your heart?
God speaks to anyone who has a relationship with Him. When we cry out to God and share our desires with him, He hears and can answer. “I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears” (Ps. 34:4). My experience is that He often will answer you by bringing to your mind a verse, a song, a thought, or a word picture. God even gives us a promise of a way out so we can stand up under anything the enemy throws at us. “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Cor. 10:13).
Will you pray this prayer? Jesus, will you show me how the strongholds in my heart are distorting my thinking, my desires, and my feelings? Is the enemy influencing me through these? Will you help me see my flesh patterns? Thank you.
When strongholds distort or influence our thinking (mind), our desires (will), or our feelings (heart), our lives become out of balance. We often use the area that is the most comfortable to us while shutting down or diminishing the other areas.
I’d like to share a word picture with you. I have written the same story several times. Each time, the driver reacts differently based on the condition of his heart and which area of his soul he depends on. Perhaps, it will clarify the three parts of the soul and how it might look if they are working just a little bit differently than what God intended. How Satan can tweak them just a little through our pain, causing us to have strained relationships or just miss out on having incredibly close relationships.
I’d like for you to see how damage and strongholds affect a person’s mind, will, and emotions. I would like to name this story and refer to it later in this book as “The Accident.”
Put yourself in the driver’s seat of this car. Try to imagine yourself driving on the interstate and what you would feel if you were behind the wheel in each of these stories. Pray this prayer, Jesus, will you help me relax and feel like I am driving the car instead of the drivers in each story so I can better understand?
The Accident
John, who leans heavily on his strong will, approaches “The Accident.”
I have been sitting in this traffic jam at a crawling pace for over an hour. I’ve changed lanes from time to time to work my way out of this mess, but mostly I just watch the same bumper ahead of me and try not to hit it. I check my watch as I steer and I brake when necessary. I need to keep focused and get past this mess. I will not miss Suzie’s award banquet tonight.
No, mister! I will not let you pull in front of me. Sorry, but I’ve got to be somewhere soon.
I pull forward to close the gap between me and the next car. Oh, the right lane is moving faster. I guess I’ll move over to that lane.
No way around it, I’m going to be late for Suzie’s award program tonight. She’s the state champion in the sixteen-hundred-meter race. I know she earned this title, but my blood definitely flows through her veins. She has my will to succeed and achieve. She never gave up, and she made it happen through sheer determination. She never once lost her focus, and I’m so proud of her. She forfeited the typical silly high school fun with friends to make this happen. She doesn’t know it, but our state college will have a representative there tonight to present her with a full-ride scholarship.
I need to be at the school by 7:00 p.m. I hope I don’t miss seeing her receive her scholarship. At least, it won’t devastate her if I’m not there. She is pretty independent. Actually, she is a survivor and always lands on her feet with few tears. Thank goodness. I couldn’t stand having a whiny daughter.
I pick up my cell phone to call home. “Hi, honey. I just passed a wreck, and the traffic is starting to move now. I’m going to be late. I’ll drive right to the school. See you there?”
“What?”
“I don’t know if it was a bad accident or not. I was too busy watching the cars in front of me. See you soon.”
Johnny, who is more intellectual, approaches “The Accident.”
I’ve been sitting in a traffic jam for fifty-seven minutes. Oh, it’s moving again. Man, I hope the accident isn’t serious. I just try to not create a difficult situation by changing lanes or honking at idiots who squeeze in front of me. I keep a close watch on the numbered exits so I can calculate my distance to my exit and try to figure out if I should try a different route. Even with all my calculations and selecting the correct options, I’m going to be late. Even without the traffic jam, it’s still a thirty-five minute drive from here. I don’t think there is any way I can get to Suzie’s banquet on time.
For a brief moment, I catch a glimpse of the crash. Now my eyes are back on the road. That one quick glance showed me a pretty nasty crash. God, please be with those people and their families. It’s a shame, but I need to stay focused, or I’ll soon be in a wreck of my own making.
I pick up my phone. “Hi, honey. It looks like I’m going to be late. I got caught in a traffic jam caused by a pretty bad wreck. I’ve been trying to calculate my time of arrival. I should get there about twenty minutes into the program. I expect they will save the scholarship awards until the end. Even if I am delayed a little more, I still think I will get there in time for the presentation to Suzie.”
“What?”
“I don’t know how bad it was. The cars looked messed up, but I don’t know for sure. I only had time for a quick glance. I needed to focus on getting to the school for the awards banquet. Besides, the police and ambulance were already there along with fire trucks. I’ll meet you at the school as soon as I can. Just tell Suzie the facts. She’ll understand. She always does.”
John Jr., who is often driven by his emotions, approaches “The Accident.”
“Hey, mister! Get out of my way. You’re not the only one on this freeway.”
Man, I’ve got to get to the banquet. My wife will never forgive me if I’m late, and I’ll never hear the end of it. I hate to think of what she’ll do if I miss seeing Suzie getting her award.
I’ve got to keep changing lanes and weave myself through this mess. There’s got to be a way to still get to the banquet on time. If I call home, she’ll never believe me. She’ll tell Suzie that work is more important than her again. Suzie will be in an uproar, and she’ll never forgive me. It’ll ruin her whole evening. She’ll be crying right through the ceremony. What a mess! I’m in trouble if I call, and I’m doomed if I don’t.
I’ve got enough stress right now. I don’t want to talk to them anyway. I’ll just keep trying to hurry through this. Why don’t drivers pay more attention? Don’t they realize how many people’s lives they affect and stress out just because they won’t pay attention? I’m going to be so late. I’ll probably miss the whole banquet. Suzie will never forgive me!
Jonathan, who has a good balance of mind, emotions, and will, approaches “The Accident.”
I’m excited about the banquet this evening, but it is difficult to drive so slowly in this traffic jam. I hope I get to the school in time to see Suzie receive her state championship award for winning the sixteen-hundred-meter race. Our state college is honoring her with a full-ride scholarship. We are so proud of her. She and I will both be crushed if I miss her special moment.
Man, I am really going to be late. I better move to the center lane (traffic nearly comes to a stop as I near the scene). “Looky-loos” sure do cause problems.
Man, that car in the accident is really messed up. Glass is everywhere. It looks like the red mustang rolled a couple of times.
In the space of a heartbeat, my life screams to a halt. My heart starts racing, and my hands are shaking. I find it difficult to breathe as I read my daughter’s “UGOGIRL” license plate dangling from the crushed bumper. Without thinking, my car door flies open and I rush across traffic in front of the car in the next lane, causing it to come to a squealing halt. I run past the rescue workers and fall beside my daughter’s car where she is still trapped inside. “Suzie!” I cry. “I’m here! It’s Daddy. Can you hear me? I’m here. I won’t leave you. I won’t leave you, sweetie.” As firemen pull me away, I fall to the ground on rubber legs. They move me back to a safe distance as I cry out, “Oh God, please don’t let her die!” I wait anxiously while they extricate her from the crushed vehicle. It feels like it’s taking hours.
Each driver faces the same accident, yet their mind, will, and emotions react differently. Did you notice how the wife’s and daughter’s characters are also different?
Which of these drivers remind you most of yourself?
What would you be feeling if this really was your child?
If you actually have lost a child or a loved one in a car accident, I would like to apologize here to you for bringing up a painful memory. If you feel in need of some comfort, please refer to Appendix D at the back of the book.
John, Johnny, John Jr., and Jonathan are the same person, but this example examines “The Accident” from different strengths of each soul.
John’s heart has strongholds that cause him to lean most heavily on his will. He willfully looks straight ahead and functions quite successfully at making it through the traffic jam. He is determined not to look left or right. He has decided his course for the evening and basically for his life. He will stick to his plan as much as possible. Once his mind and course have been set, it is difficult to convince him to change it.
John’s will is set, and he bases his decisions and attitudes on it. He’s formed and strengthened his will over a lifetime. He knows he’s usually right, and his attitudes are based on his experiences and what he believes to be true. This causes him to believe strictly in his own interpretation of scripture, sometimes even rejecting real truth.
In life, he conducts himself “properly” and honestly and is determined to conquer and succeed. Emotional attachments are rare occurrences for him. His main concern is to function, to get to the awards banquet, and to complete his agenda. Plan, drive, and conquer sum up this evening and his whole life. He has made his decisions, and without ever realizing it, he’s definitely in charge of his own will. He makes decisions apart from God from what he perceives to be right or wrong. Only then does he put God’s stamp of approval on them.
The problem is that his will prevents him from receiving truth that conflicts with what he believes to be true. It also keeps him emotionally disconnected from others. Because he and others around him experience success, he never sees the problem nor does he discover how lonely and emotionally detached everyone is.
Intellectual Johnny manages to glance briefly at the crash. Emotionally, he starts to connect when he looks, but disconnects and moves on with what he is more comfortable with—his intellect. Thinking and planning out all his activities are his priority. He calculates and views his options from an intellectual perspective. He collects data, processes it, and makes an intelligent decision. He knows it is important to pray for the people in the accident, so he does.
Johnny relies on factual data rather than emotions. Gathering and processing data is a feel-good flesh pattern for Johnny, but it leaves his family feeling unimportant and unloved. The facts are very important to him. Facts are reliable. The enemy distracts Johnny as he goes about the (worthwhile) task of gathering information. The enemy doesn’t care if your flesh patterns look worthwhile or cause damage as long as he wins and relationships are damaged or destroyed.
John Jr. is controlled and driven by his emotions. He can’t care about anyone in the accident or even think about them, because he is so caught up and distracted by his own anger and fears. His emotions escalate as he is consumed by concerns of future conflict with his wife and daughter. He worries and even conjures up new fears that cause him additional stress. He can’t think straight or make wise decisions when he is emotionally driven. He might even get himself into his own fender bender because he is so distracted by his own fears.
People like John Jr. sometimes cause people to believe that emotions cause problems and shouldn’t be expressed. The enemy would love for emotions to get a bad reputation. The more people the enemy can cause to disengage from their hearts—the seat of emotions—the more people he can influence. God made us with emotions, and it is good to use them. Jesus did (John 11:35). Emotionally driven people often speak without thinking and act without engaging their mind and will. They often act on what they feel to be true, rather than what really is true. They react according to the emotional demands of the moment.
Balanced Jonathan, however, observes the crash, taking in many details. When intellectual facts and emotional pain converge, he quits thinking and planning and begins mostly to feel. He no longer cares about less-important things—his evening plans or the traffic. His mind, emotions, and will work together to draw him quickly to his daughter’s side. With little thought to his own safety, he jumps from his car and runs in front of traffic to reach his daughter and care for her. He feels with his heart. Jonathan’s mind, will, and emotions are in harmony with God. It shows in his actions and in his close relationships. His daughter has always felt loved and secure, and now even in the face of death, she feels loved. That kind of love can bring peace and security even in dire situations. Jonathan’s balanced love toward his daughter reflects the way God loves us. Psalm 23 teaches us how, with God, we can feel peace and love, even when walking in the valley of the shadow of death.
At “The Accident,” Jonathan doesn’t solve any problems or lecture Suzie on her driving or scold her for getting into a wreck. He isn’t there to collect facts by asking, “What happened?” like intellectual Johnny would have done.
John missed the moment altogether because his will dominated, and he said, “I’ve got to get to the banquet because it starts in thirty-five minutes. That’s just the way it is.” Later, after finding out the truth, he might even say, “I’ll get through this. I need to be strong. I won’t let this get to me.” He may even justify his lack of emotions by saying, “I can’t break down. They need me to be strong.”
Emotional John Jr. might have reacted by blaming the other car for the accident or getting upset with the ambulance driver. He may be so emotionally distraught that he tells his wife it’s all her fault, saying, “If Suzie hadn’t been in such a hurry to please you, she wouldn’t have gotten into the accident.” Or he might say, “If I wasn’t so upset worrying over how angry you would be, I would have stopped and been there for our daughter.” Statements like these at the hospital would cause stress and permanent hurt. He wouldn’t be able to lovingly handle the situation because he would be so consumed with his own emotional pain, anger, and fears.
I have somewhat exaggerated these flesh patterns, triggered from strongholds, that create an out-of-balance heart. You might not act exactly in the same way. Perhaps, you exhibit flesh patterns from a different combination of strengths in your soul—it really doesn’t matter. If you are out of balance and the enemy is deceiving you and influencing you in some way, one thing will be evident: Your relationships will be distant or disconnected—someone will not feel close to you or feel loved by you. You’re basically unable to keep the second commandment to love others.
A person who can love without fear is a person in harmony with God in the areas of the will, intellect, and emotions. He can simply love and feel with little concern of the cost to himself—just like Jesus loved us on the cross. He knew the cost and overcame any selfish motives to protect Himself.
When Jonathon leapt from his car at “The Accident,” he was going into his heart. He engaged his emotions and left less-important things behind. He was overwhelmed with love and expressed it to his daughter, not once thinking about himself.
Loving unconditionally is emotionally connecting to someone else with no thought of the personal cost to yourself. You leave thinking and facts behind, step over lines of personal safety, and simply feel and love.
The three out-of-balance dads will wake up the next day and have to deal with the consequences of their personal reactions to “The Accident.” Only Jonathan was able to be with Suzie when she needed him. Only Jonathan made her feel loved, cherished, and not alone in the face of death.
For over forty years, I performed either like John (dominated by my will), Johnny (my mind), or John Jr. (driven by my emotions). I would react off the chart. Most of us deal with life’s problems and relationships by repeating old comfortable flesh patterns. When we rely on our flesh independently from God, we are not allowing God control of that area of our soul. We are in charge as we lean too heavily on one or more of these areas of the soul. We do what feels comfortable and natural, and we think it works. If your relationships are not close, joyful, loving, comfortable, and fun, then something is not working, and you are probably being deceived by the enemy.
People tend to focus primarily on the outward appearance of sin, but outward appearance is not the only place to look for evidence of sin. The outward actions of an emotionally driven person like John Jr. often look sinful when they cuss, shake their fists at other drivers, or run them off the road. But John’s and Johnny’s actions seemed quite normal and even appropriate. This is where the enemy cleverly wins. The truth is that all three walked in the flesh to get their needs met apart from God. Regardless of which parts of your soul you emphasize—where you react according to your flesh patterns—you are in charge, not God. It is sin regardless of whether it looks good or bad.
All three—John, Johnny, and John Jr.—left Suzie seriously injured on the side of the road without a loved one there to care for her. The Bible explains how we were made to need God. Independent living apart from God is contrary to His plan and results in fractured relationships. If we are living and operating independently of God, Satan is winning the battle to damage and destroy our relationships (Gal. 5:16-18 NASB).
Did you notice the effect of each dad’s flesh patterns on Suzie’s own personality in each of “The Accident” stories? Our sinful flesh patterns negatively impact our children and others—often we don’t know it is happening. Is there someone all alone and dying emotionally in your family other than you? I challenge you to ask God to help you discover the truth. Think of each relationship and share with God what you discover in your heart.
Our relationships struggle when our hearts are out of balance. We can continue to walk in the flesh and rely on comfortable patterns of the flesh, or we can choose to give more of our heart to the control of the Holy Spirit.
One of the disciples, Peter, is a great example of someone acting in the flesh during Jesus’s public ministry. Peter was often quick tempered, boastful, outspoken, and impulsive. Later at Pentecost, he received the power of the Holy Spirit, and his life and destiny were greatly changed.
Consider the following stories in the Bible about Peter, a dominant figure in the New Testament. Can you detect the difference in his focus, attitude, personality, loyalty, and his faith before Pentecost and after? Take note of his obedience, his sacrifices, and his services in his life after he received the Holy Spirit.
In Matthew 4:18-22, Jesus called Andrew and Simon Peter to come follow Him. At once, they left their occupations and followed Jesus. In John 1:42, Jesus gave Simon the name Peter “The Rock.” Peter was unstable, impulsive, sometimes boastful, and proud. He was anything but the solid rock his name implied. Commentators believe that Jesus named him “The Rock” not because of what he was, but who he would become through the power of the Holy Spirit after Pentecost.
In John 13:37-38, Peter boasts that he will lay down his life for Jesus. Jesus tells him, “before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times!”
One of my favorite stories is in Matthew 14:22-32. Peter walks to Jesus on the water, yet as he is distracted by the wind and the waves created by the storm, he takes his eyes off Jesus and begins to sink. Here Peter displays the weakness of the flesh. How easy it is for us to take our eyes off Jesus and completely get distracted by our problems, our fears, and our possessions or interests. At least, Peter quickly saw the error of his ways and cried out for help!
We see him confess that Jesus is “The Christ” in Matthew 16:13-20. Then he rebukes Jesus in Matthew 16:21-28. He boasts of his devotion to Jesus by saying he will lay down his life with Him and never deny Him in Matthew 16:31-35. But in Matthew 26:69-75, Peter denies knowing Jesus. Peter wanted to be faithful, obedient, steadfast, and committed to Christ, but his flesh often got in the way.
Praise God for John 21:1-19. After His resurrection, Jesus reinstates Peter and forgives him. In Acts 2, we witness a pivotal moment in Christian history. The Holy Spirit descends on the disciples, and they begin to speak in tongues to the crowd in Jerusalem. Peter preaches and about three thousand people are added to the church that day. In the first twelve chapters of Acts, we see Peter being a leader of the early church. We see God giving Peter power through the presence of the Holy Spirit in him. Peter does great and mighty things to the glory of God right up to the day he dies in Rome where he was crucified upside down.
Like Peter, today we are each still privileged to plug into the power of the Holy Spirit and allow Him to change and transform our lives. A few of us may even be called to die for Him, but all of us are called to live for Him. We truly glorify God in our lives as we live abundant lives in Him.
In the upcoming chapters, I will show how we, too, can plug into the power of the Holy Spirit.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Ps. 139:23-24).